Kestler's Clues 2 by: Chad Wagner Posted on: Thursday, June 6th 2002 11:17 PM Written: Thursday, March 22nd 2001 Author: Florence Nightengale Title: Kestler's Clues 2 Target: A place at which you aim Event/Matchup: RP {Whenever it mentions people who don't matter like THE RICK, just insert Webster. Because this is Webster talking. He's cool.} (The camera opens to a yellow cartoon house with a red roof, brick chimney, and perfect green fluffs of grass that surround it. A sparrow in a paper tree sits next to the house, as does a flower garden on the opposite side. The camera stays put, as the front door quickly swings open. Out of the cartoon house steps the REAL Rick Blade. He is as serious as he normally is, his hands in his pockets, his white hair hanging over his long leather trench coat. He had shaven, as his goatee is gone, and he isn't exactly staring directly into the camera, more toward the ground, but hinting at the act of doing so. He casually closes the door behind him, and begins to walk toward the camera) Rick: Hey kids... Kids: HI RICK! Rick: Boy am I glad you guys came by. Do you know why? Kids: OF COURSE WE DO YOU STUPID FUCK! Rick: Okay then you smartass bastards, tell me then... (The sound of a cricket chirping in the background plays, as Rick puts his ear closer to the camera) Rick: That's what I thought. Nothing. Well, I'll tell you I guess. (Rick reaches in his pocket, and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. Pulling one out, he places it in his mouth, lights it, and waves the flame out. He puts both the box and the lighter back into his pocket, and takes a drag off of it) Rick: You see, I'm trying to figure out something here. I'm wondering why Kestler has decided to finally shut his yap. It's just not normal for a guy like him, y'know? Kids: YES! Rick: Hey, shut up. You don't have to scream everything alright! Kids: SORRY! (Rick just shakes his head back and forth, holding it, while holding the cigarette in the same hand) Rick: Well, I can't figure out why the hell he hasn't been around... (All of a sudden, a black cartoon-looking dog jumps out from one of the windows of the house. Crashing on his head, the dog gets up, shakes it off, and trots on toward Rick, and the camera. The dog is completely black with yellow spots on it. He is cross-eyed, and has a droopy tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, covered in drool, and leaving it behind everywhere) Rick: Hey, Kestler's here kids! Kids: YAY! Rick: C'mon, let's go inside! (Rick and Kestler trot off into the inside of the cartoon house. The camera switches to the inside of it, where purple wallpaper and a big wooden electric chair fill the room. Rick kneels down, looking at Kestler) Rick: Okay Kestler, I didn't fly all the way here from Arizona to look at your crooked-eyed ass droop around. Where the hell have you been? Why haven't you been talking? (Kestler, the retarded dog, looks into the camera. He then proceeds to jump toward the camera, and stick his face right on it, leaving a big imprint of the side of his face. Accomidated by some drool, Rick walks over to the print, and looks excitedly into the camera) Rick: Do you know what this means? We get to play Kestler's Clues 2 to find out why Rob hasn't been around lately! Kids: HURRAY! (A funny looking stagehand suddenly jumps on stage. He is wearing a green-striped shirt, and has short brown hair. His pants are khaki, and he is wearing brown dress shoes. By God, it's Steve from Blues Clues!) Steve: Hey Rick! Rick: ... Steve: I just dropped by to tell you that you didn't by the rights for any of this. This has to stop right now. You see, these children need a good place to... (As Steve blabs on and on about his beliefs on the manifestations of fantasy and safety in the world, Rick reaches inside of his trench coat. He pulls out a very large shot gun. Cocking it back, and places it at his side, aiming it right at Steve's head) Rick: Are the rights mine yet? Steve: Of course not silly...you haven't... (BANG) (Rick lowers the gun, and we see Steve fall to the ground after basically losing his head due to that recent violent attack. Rick lifts the barrel to his mouth, and the blows the remaining smoke away) Rick: And that, kids, is how you do real business. (Cocking the barrel again, Rick proceeds to shoot Steve twice more, each time saying a rhyme) Rick: (BANG) One, they're done. Rick: (BANG) Two, they're through. Rick: (BANG) Three in the head, you know they're dead. Rick: I think that's enough....(BANG) Once in the crotch hurts like a BIOTCH! (Rick puts away the shotgun, and goes back to the camera) Rick: Hey, did you see where Kestler went? Kids: THAT WAY! Rick: Oh, great. (Rick trots off to the right to some crappy jazz music. Finally, we arrive in the bathroom of the seemingly endless house. A bar of soap is slipping in and out of a sink) Soap: HEEEEeeeellllp. RRrrriiiiiicckk! Rick: (Catches the soap in mid air) Hey their stinky, how's it going? Stinky: Not bad, how about you? Rick: Well, we're playing Kestler's Clues 2 to find out why he hasn't been talking much. Stinky: Well, thanks for stopping me, I was getting a little carried away there. Having too much fun around here. Rick: Nothing wrong with that. So, did you get my money? Stinky: Well, not exactly Rick, I... (Without warning, rick picks up a widdling knife, and begins to shave away pieces of Stinky) Rick: Don't have it huh? That's a shame. Well, good luck in the afterlife you son of a bitch! (Rick dunks Stinky under the water, and holds him there for a few moments. After a few seconds, stinky floats to the top of the water, face down. Rick looks into the camera) Rick: Don't worry kids, I hear Dial is much better anyway. Let's go... (Rick begins to walk to some more crappy jazz music. But suddenly, the camera stops in mid scene. We see a black face mark on a cone shaped Dunce cap sitting on a wooden coffee table. Wondering why the hell they have a Dunce cap, Rick goes over to investigate) Rick: What the... Kids: A CLUE! A CLUE! Rick: No I don't have the flu... Kids: No...A CLUE! Rick: Oh, a clue! On this cap! Okay, let's write it down in our...damn...well, let's record it in our handy dandy, nifty wifty, super duper...TAPE RECORDER! Rick: Note to self, first clue is a Dunce Cap. Okay, so why wont Kestler talk...and what does it have to do with a dunce cap? I think we need to find more clues. C'mon. (Rick begins to walk toward the left now. After a while, we arrive in the kitchen. We hear whistling coming from the countertop) Rick: Let's check it out. (Rick walks over, and we find Mr.Assault and Mrs.Peepers laying in a small bed, each smoking a cigarette) Rick: Weell, it looks like Mr.Assault got some. (Rick and Mr.Assault slap each other five) Rick: So, what's going on guys? Assault: Not much Steve. Just knocked the old lady up, that's all. Peepers: Yeah, nothing out of the ordinary. Rick: Well, is there something we could help you with or anything? Assault: Well...um...no. Rick: Not one thing? Peepers: Nope, I don't think so. Rick: Well, that was a waste of my time. Assault: Wait, there is one thing. Rick: COOL! What? Assault: You can help us alphabetize our dildo collection! Rick: We'll be leaving now. Just get the hell away from me. Assault and Peepers: BYE RICK! Rick: Goodbye guys. Well, that was a waste of time. Let's... (Suddenly, turning, we see a picture of a mime on the refrigerator) Kids: A CLUE! Rick: A clue!? Where? Kids: THERE! (Rick turns around, and sees the picture of a mime. He pulls out his tape recorder) Rick: Note to self, second clue is a mime for cryin' out loud. Rick: Okay, now why hasn't Kestler spoken, and what does it have to do with a Dunce Cap, and a Mime? Kids: WE HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE! Rick: Good, let's go! (Rick walks outside, where we see Shoveit, the Shover, and Impale, the bucket. Both of them are arguing over something. Investigating, Rick walks over, and decides to try and solve the matter) Rick: SHUT THE FUCK UP! (Rick kicks Impale and Shoveit as hard as he can. Both of them fly over their current sand sculptures that they had made, and land in a pile of dog shit that Kestler had left behind) Rick: Sorry kids, but we have to get this thing on the road, do you get my drift? Alright, clue, clue. Where's a god damn clue... (Suddenly, we see a black face mark on a blue ribbon) Kids: A CLUE! Rick: Thank god. Where? Kids: THERE! Rick: Sweet, our third clue. Let's get our asses back to the thinking chair so that I can get my money and go home. I mean, so we can find out what's causing Kestler all of his problems! (Rick pulls out his tape recorder) Rick: Note to self, third clue a blue ribbon....Oh, another note to self....never appear on cable....again. (Rick places it back into his side pocket, and suggests that we walk back to the living room. We do, and we now see Kestler strapped into the electric chair we saw in the beginning. Rick stands at the side, holding the switch in hand, and Kestler is sweating profusely) Rick: Well Kestler, if we figure you out, we get to electricute you. How does that sound kiddies!? Kids: YEAH! Rick: Okay, why hasn't Kestler been talking, and what does it have to do with a Dunce cap, a mime, and a blue ribbon....hrm....well, could he want to put the dunce cap on the mime, then put the ribbon over his face? Kids: NO! Rick: Okay, okay. Well, only dumbasses wear Dunce caps right? Kids: RIGHT! Rick: Well, what if Kestler REALIZED that he's a stupid fuck, and the mime....okay, he realizes he's stupid, so he wont talk...oh, the blue ribbon. Um...I GOT IT! HE REALIZED THAT HE'S STUPID, SO HE WONT TALK UNTIL HE ACTUALLY WINS SOMETHING! WE JUST FIGURED OUT KESTLER'S CLUES 2! (Rick throws the switch, and electric bolts shoot through the retarded dog. The dog bleeds profusely, and eventually dies, leaving smoke behind) Rick: Well kids, it's been fun. We'll see you again...well, probably not...but we'll see you later...nope, not in this lifetime. FUCK OFF! UNTIL NEXT TIME, THIS WAS KESTLER'S CLUES 2! HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE!