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Porn n' Go Intro
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Thursday, June 6th 2002 11:22 PM
Written: Sunday, December 17th 2000
{The screen fades from black to the interior of a poorly kept up shop.
Rolls of condoms and a misplaces fishing pole are hanging from a ceiling fan
with two fan blades. To the left hand side, you can see the wall of jars
containing Kestler's world famous collection of rare animal testicles. As
for the rest of the shop? Wall to wall porn, except for the picture of
Kestlers hero Uri Geller hanging on the wall behind the counter. Currently
there are only three people in the store, Kestler, a man in a giant lizard
outfit with a bionic arm, and an unknown customer...}
Kestler "Are you sure I can't get you to invest in this book? It's heading
towards being a best seller as we speak!"
Customer "Is it porn?"
Kestler "No, this is better than porn! This is the first edition
un-authorized auto-biography of myself."
Customer "First off, if it's unauthorized then why are you selling it? And
secondly, GET ME MY PORN!"
Kestler "Quite frankly, I don't like your tone or lack of respect."
Customer "What are you going to do? Hit me? I'll sue you so fast
that....ummm...you won't...know it's coming. I know what kind of business
you fun here. I've heard the stories of people you abuse at a whim because
of your unrealistic view of yourself and your universal importance."
Kestler "Whatever. Vagrond."
{Hearing his name, the lizard man walks over to the man and kicks him in the
back. The blow sends the man face first into the counter, possibly breaking
his nose. Vagrond then picks the man up and throws him through the front
window of the shop and into the street. The man convieniently lands in
front of the passing by Christmas charolers causing them to run away in
fear. It doesn't seem to matter to Kestler though as he has bigger concerns
on his mind...}
Kestler "Damn it Vagrond! You got blood on the counter again! How many
times do I have to tell you?"
{Vagrond ignores Kestler as he sits down with a bottle of "Hobo's Choice
Malt Liquor" and chug away.}
Kestler "He may be an escaped mental patient who thinks he's a Gorn from
Star Trek. He may have a small drinking problem. He may even be lacking
any hygiene what-so-ever, but dammit he's the best there is! Since he
thinks he's a Gorn he has no interest in human pornography thus I can trust
him not to steal. I to boot I only have to pay him in shore leave time..."
{Suddenly Kestler is cut off by a voice from the back...}
Voice "Stop talking to yourself you idiot! Don't you have something better
to do?"
Kestler "Yeah, but your Mom was busy this afternoon. Besides, today is the
day that little pervert comes in and this time I'm going to caught him! I
show him to masturbate in my porn shop!"
Voice "Yeah, whatever. Just stop talking to yourself or else I'll have to
call that damned mental institution again."
Kestler "You don't have the balls. And besides, they would probably take
you too."
Voice "Stop talking to me, I've got shit I have to do!"
Kestler "Like what? Stand there and hope to grow a penis?"
Voice "Like your sister cockmaster."
{The conversation finally ends when a midget dressed like Jax Stone walks
into the shop and begins looking through the extensive libraries of man on
man orgy flicks...}
Kestler "Hey guy, could I interest you in the best book ever written? It's
the UNAUTHORIZED autobiography of Rob Kestler. Each copy was hand typed by
me and it's tearing up the charts in Bangkok! I've personally sold one or
two billion of these books myself and still each individual book is so good
that I would take a bullet for it! You can have it for the low, low price
of $76.89."
{The Jax midget looks at Kestler blankly before pulling his pants to his
ankles and proceeds to do the five knuckle shuffle. Kestler looks away in
disgust but Vagrond doesn't seem to care...}
Kestler "Vagrond, get rid of him."
{Vagrond shrugs his shoulders, puts down his forty and begins to chase the
midget. The midget remains elusive as he can maintain his speed, both
running and whacking speed. Suddenly the midget stops and turns with an
evil look in his eye as he speeds up his lotion motion. Vagrond, while
different, still realizes what's happening and uses his cat-like skills to
grab the midget and throw him out the window, past the first customer, and
into the charity donations box across the street. The charity Santa takes
pity on the poor guy and picks him up. All the while, Jax midget has
continued boxing his little clown so by the time Santa has the midget in the
air, he gets a little surprise in his eye for his trouble...}
Kestler "Good job Vagrond, no blood on my counter this time. Now maybe we
won't get as many mystery stains on the floor..."
{As Kestler is finishing his sentence, another midget dressed as Shawn
Carter enters the building...}
TO BE CONTINUED
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