When Will The Questions Stop?! by: Chad Wagner Posted on: Wednesday, June 26th 2002 2:47 PM Written: Saturday, January 1st 2000 I walked through the park one spring day, followed by a slightly senile 67 year old man. Who knows why he always follows me on my walks, he’s always just there. Usually I don’t mind the old man, it’s kinda like having an abnormally dumb dog that isn’t house trained. But today he was unusually talkative. "When are you going to feed me?" he would constantly complain. "Perhaps when you stop sleeping outside my bedroom window." I retort. "Nobody understands me." the old man mumbles as I continue on my daily walk. My walk goes quietly for the next fifteen minutes and I figure the old man has finally gone away. I would look back and check but then, if he’s still there, he’ll think that I care and it’ll only encourage him. It is then that I hear that familiar, shrill tone. "Are trees alive?" asks the old coot. "What kind of stupid question is that?" I cleverly retort. It is then, like a bat out of hell, that a three year-old boy jumps out of a sandbox as I walk by and enthusiastically asks me the same question. "Well little boy" I begin, "trees are alive because without the necessities for their functioning they would no longer be able to do what they’re doing." "By that definition then a car is alive" states the little snob and he persists to continue. "Because without gas and oil it would no longer be able to function." "If you know so much then why are you asking me the questions?!" I again cleverly retort. "Why don’t you go back in the sandbox sport and pee or whatever obnoxious kids like you do." I continue on my way but the little boy continues to look at me, near tears for some reason. Being the humanitarian that I am, I throw sand at him and give him a real reason to cry. Even after running away from the three year old brats amazingly athletic mother for ten minutes, the old man is still at my heels. How this man is able to keep up with me is unfathomable, the old tart isn’t even winded! As I sit on the ground and catch my breath the old man starts talking again. "Are trees alive?" the old man asks again, relentless in his questioning. "Tress are alive because I say they are. You will find no better answer on Earth so don’t bother even thinking about it any more." I calmly explain as I dry cock my trusty hand gun at the suddenly more docile geezer. "Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now you get going to whatever drug store you usually haunt." I direct as I begin to hide my "peace maker" again. "But Walgreen’s is closed today." the old coot tries to explain. By this time I can no longer speak due to the agitation. I just draw out my trusty equalizer one last time and cock it and wave the old man down the trail. He finally goes on his way but I can’t help but to miss the old man. I’m going to miss him cleaning my toilet and acting like a garbage disposal when I shoved him into a box under the sink. Oh well, at least I’ve got my sanity.