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HOMOS in...The Bachelor Must Die
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Thursday, August 22nd 2002 2:25 PM
Written: Wednesday, May 15th 2002



"The time would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstacy and freedom."
- H.P. Lovecraft, The Call Of Cthulhu

{Scene opens to heroic text and voice over.}

Booming Voice "Yes it's time once again for your favorite super-hero league! The Heroes Organized to Maintain Order in Society, HOMOS!"

{Image of Rob Kestler Standing on top of the Empire State Building, wearing a bright orange jumpsuit with HOMOS written on front, sighting the horizon.}

Voice "Half-man, half-Geller, ROB KESTLER!"

{Image of The Last Eskimo standing in a kiddie pool holding his spear, while the kid who owns the pool cries. TLE is wearing his normal parka but a bright orange T-shirt with HOMOS written on the front has been tightly pulled over.}

Voice "Last member of a noble native race, PAUL IKYANOOK!"

{Image of Cassie in a pasture petting a cow.}

Voice "Rob Kestler's sweetheart CASSIE! Remember kids, Cassie is not a HOMOS because she's a girl. If you become a HOMOS you shouldn't be concerned with girls."

{Open to a pro basketball game where the Washington Wizards are playing the Iowa Doldrums. No one in the audience, which includes Cassie, Rob Kestler and The Last Eskimo (not in HOMOS uniform), seems to care that the basketball season is long over and that Iowa actually has no professional sports teams. None. Not even soccer or something like that.}

Cassie "Yay Rob! Isn't our new friend Paul Ikyanook much better than Psycho Jay and Vagrond and the other non-sillies because he isn't mean or violent?"

TLE "Death to the white man. I will burn his cities and watch him scream in pain while I gouge his sensory organs out."

Kestler "Derp!"

{Suddenly Michael Jordan's arm is yanked by one of the Doldrums, José Fiesto. Jordan motions to the referree for the foul but is ignored. He seems to be fine with this until the mind-control device attached to his brain delivers an electrical shock. He then goes over to the referree and starts violently arguing.}

TLE "This is a prime example of the foolishness of the white man. You complain about not having enough money but then you give so much money to faster, stronger, and blacker white men who have no skills besides besides being very tall. In the artic anyone who was over five feet tall was freeze-dried and used as a lightning rod for an igloo."

Cassie "Igloos are silly!"

Kestler "I wish I had an Igloo!"

Cassie :-)

Kestler :-D

TLE >:-(

{Suddenly the camera points back to the court where it appears that the Wizards have been replaced by SPACE ODDITIES wearing their jerseys. The Iowa Doldrums begin to flee the court but it is in vain as the space oddities eat, cover with goo, and blast with lasers the Iowa team. Jordan clenches his fists and laughs maniacally at this grim spectacle. Suddenly, a ringing emerges from TLE's parka. He removes a cell phone and hands it to Kestler, who answers it.}

Kestler "Uh huh...yep...uh huh...wait a minute..."

{Kestler takes off his shoe and inspects the bottom.}

Kestler "13 1/2...yup...derp...uh huh...okie doodles."

{Kestler hangs up the phone.}

Kestler "Quick Last Eskie, we need to assume our secret identities!"

Cassie "Gaspdoodle!"

Kestler "What?"

Cassie "You have a secret life you didn't tell me about!"

TLE "It's not very secret. It was all over the newspaper, see."

{TLE holds up a newspaper clipping with the headline "VILLAGE IDIOT, HORNY MAN AND GIANT REPTILE DEFEAT IVY LEAGUE PORNOGRAPHER".}

Cassie "You mean...that's you!"

Kestler "Yes Cassie. By day I may be Rob Kestler, wrestler and porn shop owner, but by night I become...ROB KESTLER of HOMOS!"

Cassie "Wow! I knew that the leader of HOMOS looked exactly like you and had the same name as you did, but I never imagined it could be you!"

Kestler "Yeppers! And now it's time for me and the newest HOMOS to go save the world again."

Cassie "Rob-bert! You can't do that!"

Kestler "But Cas-sie!"

Cassie "Nope. When you're a super hero all sorts of women will be wanting to do the no-good mommy-daddy rumba of VD with you. I won't allow it."

Kestler :-(

TLE "Come Kestler, you told me that if I helped save the world with HOMOS then your evil white government might give me some of my land back. Let's get going before all the good land is gone and all that's left is Alaska."

{TLE shudders.}

Kestler "But Cassie says..."

TLE "Perhaps a compromise can be worked out. Like the compromise of 1859 where 10,000 of my people were slaughtered by your government, and in exchange your goverment took the Bering Straight from us."

Kestler "How was that a compromise?"

TLE "I...don't...know."

Kestler "Cassie, how about I promise to really try REALLY hard to be very good and not do any no-nos."

Cassie "Maybe. But take this picture with you."

{Cassie hands Rob a picture of her petting a cow. In fact it is a still from the opening of this "inteRPview".}

Cassie "And if any wicked evil baddie bad women come on to you then show them this picture. Also tell them that you're not the only one who can make baddies hurty-poo. I was in the Lady Eagle Scouts, voted Best Of. So just tell them that I was the Lady Eagle Scout, Best Of. Wait, that might take too long and they might have already stolen you from me! Better just use the first letter thingy."

TLE "The word is acronym, fool ignorant white woman."

Cassie "Is that OK Rob?"

Kestler "O...K"

Cassie :-)

Cassie "You're a good boyfriend!"

Kestler "I learned from the master."

{The scene change to Psycho Jay in a car with a woman. He drives about 50 feet then slams on the breaks.}

Jay "Uh-oh. It looks like we're out of gas. In order to survive we're going to have to conserve saliva..."

{The scene changes to a mansion in Los Angelas. A luxury plane with HOMOS written on it is seen landing, but then the cameraman realizes that it is actually the plane of the Gay-Lesbian-Alliance, and quickly moves down to our heros who have drove to LA from Iowa in a 1974 Caprice rust machine with the top torn off. TLE and Kestler are now wearing their full HOMOS suits. They enter the mansion where they are greeted by a hollywood producer who has a ponytail.}

Kestler "Greetings noble citizen!"

Producer "Why hello! How splendid it is to meet you! I've got to say that I think you people are great! I mean, due to affirmitive action we actually had to hire some people with darker skin until we discovered that you people count as minorities. Wonderful!"

Kestler "Derp?"

TLE (whispers to Kestler) "I think that whitie is referring to the fact that as the last member of the Eskimo race I am the ultimate minority.

Kestler "Oh, OK. How did you find out about HOMOS, Mr. Whitie?"

Producer "I had some diversity courses in college, and then I saw you marching on national coming out week."

{Kestler pulls a styrofoam cup out of his tight jumpsuit and crushes it in his hand.}

Kestler "Plandeux!"

Producer "And then I saw this headline in the newspaper."

{The Producer holds up a newspaper which reads "LOCAL IDIOTS AND FAMOUS CIVIL RIGHTS LEADER FOIL POOP, SIMIAN TERRORISTS".}

Producer "When I saw how much you were advancing the cause for your special group, I knew just who to call with our terrorist problem."

Kestler "Well, we do try to advance the cause of Minnesotans, just like Jesse Ventura! But what about this terrorist problem?"

Producer "Well, as you may know, we started filming a new TV show called 'The Bachelor'. We found this guy who's good-looking and rich, but somehow has never been in a serious relationship. I mean it makes no sense...he's not like YOU."

TLE "It's understandable that all the females of his species weren't murdered by the greed and selfishness of the white man, so he is not like me."

Producer "Anyway, we put him in this mansion, with 100 eligible supermodels...I mean professional women, and planned to tape the hilarity that ensued. But then we got this."

{The Producer removes a tape from his bright red vest and puts it into a nearby VCR-TV combo. On the TV an image of a man with a beard appears. No need to describe him as all men with beards look the same, just imagine he looks like your uncle Marty or Ulysses S. Grant or whoever. The man talks in a stilted, sing-song 'terrorist' accent.}

Beardo "This television network which has put the single man with the all of the women, not even ONE of whom he is married to, is making a great disgrace before Allah in the face of all that is moral. I hereby pledge that I will use the full force of the great and powerful nation of ICNOG to bring down the infidels who have perpetrated this!"

{The TV goes to static.}

Producer "Now you see what we're up against. HOMOS, I need you to protect the Bachelor and the 100 street whore...I mean eligible bachelorettes from these terrorists!"

Kestler "No problem!"

TLE "I promise to skewer any white man, terrorist or otherwise, who prevents me from saving the world and thus reclaiming some of my land. KILL WHITEY!"

Kestler "Yay! KILL WHITEY!"

Producer "Uh...OK. Now, I'm not a superhero, but maybe you should start with a perimeter search?"

Kestler "What a super cool idea!"

{Kestler looks under his armpit until TLE explains to him what a 'perimeter' is, and after much giggling, they begin to look around the outside of the mansion. They come to the stage and private concert area for 'the bachelor' where System of a Down is setting up. Kestler points a finger at them in shock.}

Kestler "Terrorists!"

Producer "They're not terrorists, they're just the band that was going to perform for the bachelor and his women. They're going to play their new love song FLEW BALD which is an acronym for False Lying Evil Witches Bitches All Lay Dying."

Kestler "THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN! But where are they from?"

Producer "I think that they're from Armenia originally."

Kestler "Where is that?"

TLE "Well, according to my atlas-like memory of the land my people once owned, I know that it's in the middle east."

Kestler "SEE! SEE!"

Producer "Just because they're from the middle east doesn't mean..."

Kestler "Well they're an unacceptable risk. I mean how many terrorists AREN'T from the middle east?"

Producer "Well, there was that smiley-face bomber..."

Kestler "Blah, blah, blah. Are you a superhero? I didn't think so. Get rid of them immediately."

Producer "But then whose music could 'the bachelor' go see with his 100 women?"

Kestler "You're in luck there! In addition to a superhero I also happen to own a band. Perhaps you've heard of...Leak Bizkwik?"

Producer "Wow YOU own them? That must mean that they're also...wow. I'd never have guessed. They're so famous that 'Linkin Park' even changed their name to 'Leakin Park' to be closer to them in the CD aisles. I'll get rid of these Armenians at once."


{The producer walks over to System of a Down and tells them to leave. The Armenian band then gets sad puppy-dog looks on their faces and walks out with their heads held low. The Producer returns to Kestler and TLE.}

Producer "Good job, HOMOS, I guess. How would you like to meet 'the bachelor' himself, Ron Richwell?"

Kestler "WOULD I?!?!?"

TLE "You two can go inside. I have seen enough land-stealing white men for one day. I will now go hunt for fish in the local water source I saw on the way over."

Producer "You mean the swimming pool?"

TLE "Enough white-man gibberish. See you later."

{The scene changes to the inside of the mansion where Ron Richwell and the 100 women from the escort ser...I mean from all walks of American life are. Kestler and the producer walk in.}

Kestler "Star Burst and friends said that they'd be over here soon. You'll like them. Cassie would call them extra-silly."

Producer "Silly. I see. Anyway, Mr. Kestler, this is Ron Richwell."

{Ron and Kestler shake hands.}

Ron "Nice to meet you."

Kestler "Derp."

Producer "Now look at him. He's rich AND good-looking, and yet still single somehow. I don't know how this happened."

Ron "Yeah, I know what you mean. I like can't get any poon at all. No boobies either."

Kestler "Wow. That is a pickle."

Ron "Yeah, what's with women today? They just won't give out the poon."

Kestler "You know, I own...I mean somebody I know named Rob Kestler owns a pornography shop where you might be able to find those things."

Producer "Aren't you named Rob Kestler?"

Kestler "Yes...two people can have the same name!"

{Kestler looks around nervously as his secret identity is in jeapordy. He points behind the producer.}

Kestler "Look behind you!"

{The producer looks, and Kestler tiptoes away. The camera now focuses on Mr. Richwell who has sat down next to a call girl...er businesswoman with a cup of coffee.}

Ron "Hey baby, how are you?"

Businesswoman "Uh..."

Ron "Hey, I want to know about your rack."

Businesswoman "What?!?"

Ron "Oops, I meant your racket. Your job. Who you do...I mean what you do."

Businesswoman "I'm sure you do. How rich are you again?"

Ron "Pre-nup..."

{The businesswoman splashes most of her coffee in Ron Richwell's face and then drinks the rest. Ron grips his face and runs away.}

Ron "Stupid cunts! Why does that keep happening?"

{The camera then focuses on Rob who was sneaking away from the producer so slow that he is now only ten inches further. The producer turns back to him.}

Producer "There you are. Now what were we talking about?"

Kestler "Uh...something other than me?"

Producer "OK."

Kestler :-)

Producer "How do you do that?"

Kestler "It's all in the enunciapation."

Producer "COLON! DASH! RIGHT PARENTHESIS!"

Kestler "No, that's not right."

Producer "How would you like to meet one of the bachelorettes?"

Kestler "I don't know..."

Producer "Come on."

{The producer motions and one of the svelte bachelorettes walks up to Kestler. She looks at the HOMOS text he is wearing and gets a disgusted look on her face.}

Kestler "I'm, um..."

Bachelorette (sarcastically) "Wow. I'll bet you're the real lady killer in that outfit of yours."

{Kestler gasps and reels back as he realizes that the woman must be coming on to him! He quickly pulls the picture of Cassie and hands it to the woman.}

Kestler "This is Cassie. She's a L.E.S.B.O."

Bachelorette "I guess that makes sense."

{The bachelorette sits down again and Kestler gasps with relief. Just then Leak Bizkwik walks into the mansion, lead by lead singer Star Burst who is wearing a starburst on his head backwards. He is followed by the also recently renamed Pez Moreland, Squeege Diesel, VonOttoman and Riv Samers.}

Star Burst "Yo dawgz. What up in da hood? We'z a hiz-ere."

Kestler "Greetings Leak Bizqwik. I sent for...I mean Rob Kestler who owns a porn shop sent for you. I am his good friend, Rob Kestler who is a member of HOMOS."

{Star Burst looks at Kestler's bright orange jumpsuit blankly. The ghetto twang has gone out of his voice.}

Star Burst "What the hell are you wearing?"

Squeege Diesel "Now, dawg, we don't want to insult his lifestyle choice. Remember what happened to Eminem?"

Kestler "You mean M&M?"

Star Burst "My god...you've gotten to him too?!?"

Kestler "That's another story about a long time ago and a Salvation Army far, far away. But anyway, this nice man wants you to perform for his television show."

Star Burst "What do you mean by nice?"

Producer "Hey, hey, now, don't let the ponytail fool you..."

Kestler "You're needed to provide music for 'The Bachelor' and his 100 women..."

Star Burst (looking right at the producer) "Well I do LIKE WOMEN!"

Kestler "Anyway, Star Burst, I also have some changes I need you to make in your band. The big thing today is patriotism and with your whole 'I-wanna-be-black-but-I'm-not' thing you've got going, it just isn't doing it. What you need are new outfits. Here..."

{He hands Star Burst a cowboy outfit.}

Kestler "You will wear this to represent the great American western tradition."

{He hands Pez Moreland a police outfit.}

Kestler "For some reason the NYPD is very patriotic right now, so you'll dress like them."

{He hands VanOttoman a sailor outfit.}

Kestler "You will represent America's proud naval tradition. Hee hee, navel."

{He hands Riv Samers a construction worker outfit.}

Kestler "And finally, you will represent the hard-working, blue-collar, average Joe."

Riv Samers "Uh, blue-collar Joes still get groupies, right?"

Kestler "I'm sorry Squeege, I don't have an outfit for you."

Squeege Diesel "Yes!"

{Just then TLE walks in, carring an Indian cheif outfit.}

TLE "Not so fast. I know about all your white-man symbols, but what about a symbol of the native peoples whose lands you bloodily took? Well, here is the outfit of one of the cheifs of one of the groups of people who stole land directly from my people, unlike indirectly like your evil, white, governing force."

{TLE hands a sad-looking Squeege Diesel the outfit.}

Kestler "Oooh! Go put them on!"

Star Burst "There's nowhere to change."

Producer "You could go change in the 'orgy room'. It's not like it's being used anyway."

{Star Burst and the rest of Leak Bizkwik gives the producer a dirty look while they walk into the orgy room. They kick Ron Richwell, who was lightly sobbing in that room, out. He wypes the tears off and wastes no time in sitting down next to another bachelorette.}

Ron "So...do you like giving head and if so, how much?"

{The bachelorette stands up, kicks Ron Richwell in the groin and walks away. Ron limps up to the producer, Kestler and TLE.}

Producer "Man, I just don't see why he's not taken."

Ron "Women are all such whores. And even if I tell them this they still are."

{Ron looks right at Kestler.}

Ron "It almost makes me want to convert to your side just to get some."

Kestler "Well, heh heh, a superhero's life is not an easy one."

{Just then Leak Bizkwik, wearing their new duds, emerges from the orgy room. They look at each other and Star Burst is enraged.}

Star Burst "KESTLER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKING HAVE US DRESSED LIKE THE FUCKING VILLAGE PEOPLE!"

Kestler "Now, now, language, language. How are you going to perform at that childrens' concert if you keep..."

Star Burst "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!"

Kestler "Look, if you need it to keep going I have another sackfull of cash for you."

Star Burst "Fuck you, Kestler. What good is a money dressed like this? The only reason any straight man wants to get rich is so that he can get laid by a higher quality of woman than his personal appearance would normally dictate (TRUE!!!). I'd rather be poor and straight than rich and one of YOU!!!"

{Leak Bizkwik tears their new outfits off, quite easily as they were wearing their normal clothes underneath and the outfits were made out of tissue paper. They throw them at Kestler, give him the double bird, and leave.}

Kestler "What's their problem with people who don't swear a lot? Why would they rather be poor and able to swear than rich with good langauge?"

{The producer starts giggling.}

Kestler "This situation is getting dangerous. You know what that means?"

TLE "Call in more of your pathetic white friends?"

Keslter "Call in more superheroes! YAY! I'm going to call a superhero I know called C-Man!"

{The producer is now laughing out loud. TLE hands Kestler his cell phone and Kestler dials. The scene then changes to Chad Cassia's house where he is sitting inside, wearing a bright blue outfit and cape, with a large yellow 'C' emblazoned on the front. Chad Cassia answers his phone.}

Cassia "Super-hero residence. Super-hero speaking."

Kestler (Over Phone) "Hello C-Man!"

Cassia "Don't call me that! My super-hero name is High-C, like Hi-C, the fruit-flavored beverage."

{The scene changes back to Kestler who covers up the phone and talks to the producer.}

Kestler "He says that that his name isn't C-Man, but he is fruity."

{The producer is now on the floor with girly giggles. The scene changes back to Cassia.}

Kestler (Over Phone) "Anyway, we need your super-powers to help us."

Cassia "You mean my super power to beat up old women?"

Kestler "That's the one. You never know who these terrorists might use as human shields."

Cassia "I'll be right over!"

{Cassia hangs up the phone and heads out to his garage. However his car has been replaced with 27 Tom Greens, contorted to be in the shape of a car. Cassia takes no notice and opens the "door" and then sits down in the "seat" and places his key in the ear of a Tom Green who's where the steering wheel should be, and turns it.}

Tom Green "Whirrr! Whirrr!"

Cassia "Damn. The battery must have gone dead. I'd better try my boat."

{Cassia then walks out to the lake behind his house, and instead of where his boat should be there are 15 Tom Greens in an amazing acrobatic position that really looks like a boat. Cassia notices nothing wrong and jumps onto it, causing a few of the Tom Greens on the bottom to bubble underwater. He steps on the hand of one Tom Green that's where the pedal should be.}

Tom Green "Putter, splat, putter."

Cassia "Boat's dead too. I guess I have no choice but to use the helicopter."

{Cassia walks up to his helicopter and, you guessed it, it has been replaced by Tom Greens in a similar shape. The most amazing thing about it are the four Tom Greens who are standing straight sideways to represent the propellers. Cassia is about to get in when the clouds split in the sky above and David Faustino flies down, riding a magical (is there any other sort?) unicorn.}

Faustino "Cassia! Can't you see what is happening here?!?"

Cassia "I'm not saying 'Derp' just to be more popular, if that's what you mean."

Faustino "No, I'll tell you on the way. Hop on."

{Cassia hops onto the back of the Unicorn which has no trouble carrying both of them as Faustino really only weighs like 37 lbs. or something, and they both fly away. The Tom Greens who were making up the helicopter fall out of their pose and all land on their feet, then fall to their knees and start eating the ground beneath them.}

{The scene then changes to Leak Bizkit riding in their private bus.}

Star Burst "Man, this sucks! The flow of money has totally stopped and we'll be dirt poor in a week."

Squeege Diesel "You know why? It's all Kestler's fault. He made us make these changes that made no sense, so we completely lost our angry 12-year old fan base who can't appreciate the humor. It was fine when he was paying us to do all those concerts nobody showed up for, but now that he's gone gay..."

Pez Moreland "Yeah, and look at this picture he put on the internet!"

{Pez turns around his laptop revealing an image of the Village People with Leak Bizkwik's faces pasted on, except for the biker whose face is left as-is. The caption of the image reads "HOMOS likes Leak Bizkwik!"}

Pez Moreland "My girlfriend won't even return my calls now. NONE OF THEM!"

Squeege Diesel "None of the girlfriends, or none of the calls?"

Star Burst "It doesn't matter. ROB KESTLER RUINED OUR LIVES!!! I say we end his! Here's what we do..."

{Leak Bizkwik goes into a football huddle and whispers as the scene changes back to the mansion where Rob Kestler, TLE, the producer and Ron Richwell are awaiting High-C.}

Kestler "Where is he? It's not like him to be late. He has a car, a boat, a helicopter..."

TLE "So you're saying that he violates my land by ground, sea and air?"

Kestler "Basically yes. What's that noise?"

{Everybody besides Kestler runs to the window and gets horrified looks on their faces. Kestler just sits there.}

Kestler "Noises are silly!"

TLE "You had better come see this, white man!"

Kestler "Noises are fun!"

Producer "Kestler, get your ass over to the window and look out!"

{Kestler gets his ass over to the window and looks out. The outside is shown and it becomes apparent that a tour bus is speeding towards 'the bachelor''s mansion on a Kamakazee mission! The scene changes to the inside of the bus, where the chauffeurs are lying unconscious and Star Burst and the rest of Leak Bizkwik are driving and laughing with that terrorist gleam in their eyes! The scene changes back to the mansion.}

Ron "Run!!!"

Producer "It won't do any good, they're coming too fast!"

{The outside of the mansion is shown. The bus approaches and gets very close to it when suddenly a rumbling noise is heard. From the ground emerges what appears to be a solid sheet of Tom Greens. The Tom Greens are in amazing acrobatic positions so that they form a sort of lattice, a Green wall, which happens to be flesh-colored. The bus hits the wall like a solid object hitting a trampoline, it harmlessly bounces off and is sent flying in the opposite direction, leaving the mansion unharmed. The several thousand Tom Greens collapse to the ground and the scene changes to the inside of the mansion where Kestler and Krew stand motionless as dozens of Tom Greens enter the building and stand there. One Tom Green steps forward and talks with the "Mr. Ed" voice.}

Mr. Green "W-w-well Kestler, I couldn't l-let somebody kill you b-before I had the chance!"

Ron "Hey! Tom Green! You got some from Drew Barrymore! Maybe you can help me..."

{At that instant three Tom Greens jump at Ron Richwell like tigers, eating him entirely in a matter of seconds.}

Mr. Green "Anyone e-else want to b-be a h-hero?"

{Everyone is too afraid to point out the flaw in what Mr. Green is saying here, so the scene changes to a small shack out in the middle of nowhere. Inside a liberal with long hair, a long beard, and a T-shirt that reads "Greenpeace 4-EVA" is sitting, typing on an ancient device known as a typewriter. He talks as he types, showing that he needs to get out more.}

Liberal "Dear Time Magazine. I think that the terrorist attacks of last September were totally deserved because America is controlled by large, global corporations who exploit the people of underpriviledged countries by giving them jobs, when we shouldn't, and treat the people who sneak into this country illegally like they aren't citizens, when we should, and put mass murders in bad jails for life, when we shouldn't, and not take the attacks gracefully without response, like we should..."

{He stops suddenly and then talks to himself for the same reason.}

Liberal "Ever had the feeling that poetic justice was eminent?"

{The outside of the liberal's one-room shack in the middle of the desert is shown, and suddenly from the sky the upside-down Leak Bizkwik tour bus crashes very neatly atop the shack. The bus is curiously unharmed but the shack and its inhabitant have been reduced to the thickness of paper.}

{The scene then changes to the inside of the white house, where President George W. Bush has just been told about what we just saw.}

W. "These terrorists have gone too far this time! I demand an immediate nuclear strike!"

White House Aide "Mr. President, it wasn't middle-eastern or even domestic terrorists this time, but a washed up rappy-rock band. They even admitted doing it and turned themselves in. All evidence shows that they acted alone, and the only casualty was a damn dirty hippie. Given all this..."

W. "NO! If a bus or a plane crashes in the middle of America and nobody's around to hear it, it WILL make a sound! A NUCLEAR SOUND!"

{W. pushes a button underneath his desk and it turns into a nuclear command console! Pretty amazing considering he didn't even have to enter a password or anything.}

W. "You, new intern, give me the coordinates of Iraq!"

{W. then points at the new recently appointed intern, who just happens to be Jason Newsted. Newsted gets a big smile on his face, then reads off a list of coordinates as W. enters them. W. then pushes the BIG RED BUTTON!}

{The scene then changes to the solid gold Metallica house where every member of Metallica lives. Lars Ulrich is reading the morning paper and James Hetfield sits down next to him with a solid gold bowl full of cereal. Suddenly, a whirring noise is heard as if something very fast was approaching from 10,000 feet. Hetfield and Ulrich get surprised looks on their faces.}

Hetfield "Ever get the idea that something very bad was about to happen?"

Ulrich "Mother fucking yeah."

{The scene now changes to the inside of the 'bachelor' mansion, which would now be the 'Bachelor Memorial Mansion'.}

Mr. Green "Y-your w-world is b-being eaten, Kestler! And t-there is n-nothing you can d-do!"

Producer "You..you killed Ron Richwell! He had so much to live for! I still don't understand why the women didn't want him! You bastards!"

{The producer anrily runs at the Tom Green mass as if to attack them, but they simply bend over and open their mouths, so that he is eaten entirely at the moment of impact with one bite from each Tom Green. Kestler, TLE and the 100 Las Vegas prostitu...er Los Angelas female citizens are now totally encircled, crouching in fear.}

TLE "Like most white men, these Tom Greens are pussies. I believe I can spear my way out."

{Kestler is strangely serious...and don't say it's never happened before because it has.}

Kestler "Wait...I want to speak with whoever's controlling the Green Horde."

Mr. Green "Y-you c-can talk t-to m-me through t-this comedian's v-voice."

Kestler "No! You didn't hear me! I don't walk to talk to Tom Green, I want to talk to the controller!"

Mr. Green "This body a-acts as a r-receptacle for his v-voice."

Kestler "No mumbo jumbo! I'm not a technical, consarn it! I want to see who's in control. What about you, last Eskie?"

TLE "I have my doubts about talking with any white man, especially this one."

Mr. Green "V-very w-well p-p-perhaps a more direct m-meeting can be e-established. L-leave t-this house and d-drive e-east into the nearby d-desert."

{Kestler and gang just sit there looking dumb.}

Mr. Green "NOW!"

{Kestler, TLE and the bachelorettes rush outside of the mansions. As soon as they are all out the mansion is consumed from the inside by the Tom Greens and collapses in on itself.}

Kestler "Maybe we should do what the thingy says."

TLE "Don't you remember what I told you?"

Kestler "Yeah, yeah. Don't trust whitey."

TLE "Exactly. And the Green Horde is entirely whitey. Very pale in fact. Still, it could have killed us if it wanted to."

Kestler "Derp?"

TLE "I'm saying that if we do go check it out, we probably will survive at least."

Kestler "Then what are we waiting for?"

{Kestler and TLE hop into the 1984 Caprice while the 100 bachelorettes line up along the side of the road.}

Kestler "We've gotta go now. Sorry ladies but a superhero's gotta do what a superhero's gotta do."

Bachelorette "Don't worry about us. We'll hitchike back to Vegas. We've got a lot of experience, uh, getting men to pick us up in cars."

{Kestler looks shocked and whispers to TLE.}

Kestler "Gaspdoodle! They're still coming on to me! The picture of Cassie did nothing! The superhero attraction must be too strong! Do something!"

TLE (To bachelorettes) "Sorry ladies, he's taken."

Bachelorette (very sarcastically) "Yeah, we kinda figured that from the matching outfits."

Kestler "What's that supposed to mean?"

TLE "Who knows? Females of any species present problems and these white ones are particularily difficult."

{TLE and Kestler drive away as the scene on the roadside would make your aveage "John" giddy with joy. The scene changes to Kestler and TLE driving through the desert as specified. Suddenly the clouds break as David Faustino and Chad Cassia ride the unicorn down, easily sliding into the back seat of the topless Caprice.}

Cassia "Long time no see Kestler."

Kestler "Derp!"

Cassia "I WILL NOT SAY THAT BACK!"

Faustino "You don't have to unless you're a manipulative woman like Cassie."

Kestler "What!?!"

Faustino "I meant a manipulawonderful woman."

Kestler "Much better, Bud."

Cassia "What's going on?"

TLE "Kestler and I encountered the Green Horde when we were trying to defend some stupid white men from some even stupider ones. It saved our lives from a group of fool white men who thought that they were some other color, and then told us if we wanted to talk to its controller to head east."

Faustino "That's a mouthful. I know they ate Greece."

Kestler "Did they eat Athens?"

Faustino "Yes. I told you, they ate Greece."

Cassia "Areopoli?"

TLE "Corinth?"

Faustino "I TOLD YOU..."

Kestler "Lookie-poo!"

{Kestler points forward where literally millions of Tom Greens must be standing on the ground. They stand no more than a few inches apart and there are so many of them that it stretches into the horizon.}

Cassia "Dear lord. And I thought that the movie 'Road Trip' had too much of him."

{The car drives up and stops before the massive gathering. All four people get out and walk up to it. Suddenly a massive disturbance ripples through the Green Horde, coming up to the front where it is revealed that they were passing along an old TV set, complete with rabbit ears. The electrical plug extends back into the horde with a seemingly infinite extension cord. One Tom Green kneels in front of the TV set and turns it on. At first only staic is seen, but it gradually fades to an image of psychedelic colors floating around like in a 60's music video. Suddenly an image fades in, Vagrond's head! Vagrond's head appears monochrome and is floating against the psychedelic backdrop. In the background Michael McManus complains about his TV show being ripped off two times in as many inteRPviews, but is promptly eaten by the Green Horde. Cassia, Kestler and Faustino are shocked.}

Kestler "Vagrond! H-how?!?"

{Vagrond speaks, surprisingly coherent. His voice is deep and echoes.}

Vagrond "Yes, Robert Kestler the first, it is I. I have not directly seen your image in less than several months."

Kestler "Derp?"

Cassia "You...you're controlling them?"

Vagrond "That is also correct, human. When I realized what I had to do, it was no small matter to adjust the Tom Green being for my uses. Observe the image."

{The image on the TV screen then switches to something that was pre-recorded, and the camera zooms in to show the full shot. It is a 7-11 late at night where Tom Green is sitting drinking a slurpee. The automatic doors swing open and ding, as lightning crashes, and the outline of a giant space lizard is seen. Vagrond enters, and sits down next to Tom Green.}

Vagrond "You!"

Tom Green "Huh?"

Vagrond "Are you the human being that is known as Lom Grease?"

Tom Green "Good one buddy, that's almost my name. I'm Tom Green, maybe you've heard of me. Yuk yuk yuk."

Vagrond "No."

Tom Green "Come on, buddy. You need to get out more. Look at your skin, it's an unhealthy green. Yuk yuk yuk."

Vagrond "You should not be concerned with that. What I need to know is, are you the one whom the being known as Ross Keebler cloned and made self-reproducing?"

Tom Green "Yeah. Getting killed there was really worse than the cancer. Yuk yuk yuk. Most of my brothers, referred to by the very hurtful, politically incorrect title of 'Green Horde', were brutally slaughtered by a biker gang. A STRAIGHT biker gang I should add."

{Tom Green looks around nervously.}

Tom Green "Well, now that I'm self-reproducing MTV only gives me enough money to purchase one 7-11 slurpee per week. If I ate or drank any more I might spawn off more of myself, and they don't want that for some reason. Yuk yuk yuk."

Vagrond "I see. Is it also true that you can consume almost any matter and gain sustenance from it?"

Tom Green "Yep - you got me there! It's because my show is basically a modern version of an old circus geek act, or a televised version of that kid from gradeschool who you'd pay a dollar to drink the carton of milk that you'd stuffed all the crap into."

Vagrond "That is all I need to know. You will serve my purposes fine."

Tom Green "Whoa, slow down buddy, we just met! Yuk yuk yuk."

{Vagrond ignores that comment, and pulls a small electrical device out of his pocket. He then puts on a headset, or as close to a headset as can fit on a lizard. He violently grabs Tom Green by the back and lifts him up into the air, Tom Green screaming and flailing his arms and legs wildly. Vagrond then jams the electrical device into the base of Tom Green's skull. Tom Green screams in pain at first, then gets an oddly blank look on his face and stops fighting. Vagrond sets him down. Vagrond lifts his left arm, and Tom Green does likewise. After checking each limb like this Vagrond marches out of the 7-11, the Tom Green marching behind him in perfect unison.}

{The scene then fades back into Vagrond's head as the camera zooms out from the television set.}

Cassia "Wow...that's amazing."

Kestler "I'll say. I never would have guessed that 'Green Horde' was hate-speech. How about we now say 'Reproducing-Enhanced Mr. Green Group of Duplicates' instead."

TLE "Shut up, white man!"

Faustino "Why Vagrond? Why? I know it can't be about a woman because there are no females of your species on this planet, and even if there were you won't reach sexual maturity for another 100 years or so, and I also know it can't be about money, because you had access to more than you could ever want after the whole Steve Jobs fiasco. It also can't be about power as you're DESTROYING THE EARTH! So what, Vagrond, WHAT?"

Vagrond "You are a pathetic Earthling, and you only think in pathetic Earthling terms. This is about betrayal! Like Lucifer I was cast out of paradise, yet unlike him it could not have been because of my rebellion, for I acted as a lacky to Rob Kestler and did whatever he asked."

Kestler "Well...sometimes I had to say that the guy called you a really gay jobber poo poo head to get you to..."

Vagrond "SILENCE! If you interrupt me again I may have to go back on my promise to kill you second-to-last. I was your humble servant and you cast me out!"

Kestler "No I didn't!"

Vagrond "Yes you did! Allow me to show you what happened."

{The camera zooms in on the TV set again, and it switches to another video, this time of the inside of the Psychic Porn n' Go. Vagrond is slumped in the corner, asleep, holding a bottle of Gorn liquor. Rob Kestler enters, leading Cassie. They stop and look at Vagrond. Rob has a big smile but Cassie has kind of a disgusted look.}

Kestler "You see him? That's Vagrond. He's my bestest buddy in the whole wide world! I've known him since I was zero! I could never get rid of him."

Cassie "I don't like him. Get rid of him."

{Kestler gets a sad, puppy-dog look on his face.}

Kestler "Ohhhhhhhhhhh...OK."

{Cassie then leaves.}

Kestler "Hmmm. Getting rid of a giant space lizard is no simple matter. I'd better consult an expert."

{Kestler walks up to a closet and pushes a button inside it. Large amounts of smoke billow from the closet, and the door swings open, and the midget dressed as Michael Dudley emerges from cryogenic suspension.}

Dudley "YES!! Michael Dudley has returned to the IWO and I LIVE AGAIN! Look out boobies and thingies, here I come!"

Kestler "Actually Dudley hasn't returned. I've resurrected you because I need your help."

Dudley "Yup...I figured the day would come when you'd need somebody awsomely awesome such as myself to train you so you're not such a jobber anymore."

Kestler "Um, no that's not it either. I actually held the IWO title when you were gone."

Dudley "LIAR!"

Kestler "Sure. What I need you to help with is, my girlfriend doesn't like Vagrond, and I need to get rid of him."

Dudley "You've made an excellent choice. I have done much research into the subject as befits a Dudley mind, a mind that has been carefully bred by 'staying in the family' for tens of generations. You see, Vagrond is, for all intents and purposes, indestructible, and any attack made against him will likely result in the destruction of said attacker. He also is very heavy and doesn't like to be moved around, so the said mover also risks death. You see, Vagrond is your classical immovable object."

Kestler "An immovable object. That means we need...an unstoppable force, right?"

Dudley "Wrong. An unstoppable force doesn't work against an immovable object."

Kestler "So God really CAN make a boulder so big even he can't lift it!"

Dudley "Exactly. So we need something much more subtle to deal with the magical pixie. Something so ingenious it'll blow...your mind. Do you have a paper bag?"

{Kestler hands the midget Dudley a paper bag from his desk.}

Kestler "This had better not be what I think it is."

Dudley "I promise not to defile your bag. I am very serious when the removal of giant stupid lizard things is involved. Now observe."

{The midget Dudley very carefully sneaks up behind the sleeping Vagrond, and puts the paper bag over Vagrond's head. Vagrond wakes up and, yelling and waving his arms (front legs?) wildly, runs around in circles, demolishing a good amount of the pornographic material. Vagrond then runs out of the shop, through the window, away down the street.}

Kestler "Wow. I never would have guessed that what works on all drunks would work on Vagrond. Makes sense though."

Dudley "Yep, another day, another magical pixie stupid lizard thing eliminated. Now it's time for me to go do the other thing I do best...have sex with my sister."

{The Dudley begins to leave to do just that, but is grabbed on the back of his collar by Kestler.}

Kestler "Oh no you don't. Back to cryo-stasis for you."

{Kestler puts the midget Dudley back where he came from as the screen fades back to Vagrond's head, and zooms out to show everybody again.}

Kestler "Well, you got me. I guess I have to eat my words then."

Vagrond "Do you know what happened after that? I found my way back to the Porn n' Go, but you weren't there. I had a backup supply of Gorn liquor that lasted for a little while, but then it ran out. And you know what happened after that Kestler? I started to get sober. And I'll tell you this - I didn't like it. Not one bit."

Faustino "That makes sense, Vagrond, but why..."

Cassia "ARE YOU DESTROYING THE WORLD?!?!?"

Vagrond "It is quite simple. I am sober right now, and I have but one goal, to end this state of being. However, human alcohol is not enough to give me the buzz I need, only Gorn liquor will suffice. Unfortunately there are only two known places in the universe where a person can buy Gorn liquor, at a small Rigellian outpost-slash-bar about 14 light years from here, and from Rob Kestler directly. As one of these ways has now been removed, I have no choice but to seek the other. You see, pathetic humans, according to my precise calculations, if I have the Green Horde consume the entire mass of the earth, and most of the mass of the moon, then there will be enough of them to form a very, very long human chain. Each Tom Green will grip the next's feet, and I will straighten this human chain out so that it is nearly a parsec long, and sit at the end of it. Then, each Tom Green, using the last energy available to it in the vacuum of space, will push the next one towards my destination, and then the next one, and so on, so that the last one in the chain pushes me, accelerating me faster than the speed of light in precisely the correct direction so that I will come crashing very fast into the Rigellian outpost-slash-bar, in about 100 years in the future. I will then get up, brush myself off, and order a pint."

Faustino "But...you're killing billions of innocent, okay maybe only a million are innocent, but in any case very many innocent people to do this! How is that moral?"

Vagrond "Moral? You speak of moral? How is it 'moral' to deprive me of the one thing in the entire universe that makes me happy? Your pathetic human morals are only about quantity-over-quality, and mean nothing to me. The only thing that could make me stop is the goal of my quest - Gorn liquor."

{David Faustino, Chad Cassia and TLE look right at Kestler, all very angry.}

Kestler "OK guys, now I know what you're thinking, but Cassie says..."

Cassia "Dammit Rob, the lives of everyone and everything are at stake!"

Faustino "Rob, Rob, poor stupid, stupid, STUPID..."

TLE "Was it not enough for the white man to eliminate my race and rape my land, but now you must actually let the earth be eliminated?!?"

Cassia "JUST GIVE HIM THE GOD DAMNED FUCKING LIQUOR!"

Kestler "It's not that easy. Cassie says that Vagrond is a violent meanie and that he is a very bad non-silly and that I must never hang around with him again. She also said that Gorn liquor is very, very non-silly and I must never make any more."

Cassia "EVERYBODY IS GOING TO DIE! FUCK CASSIE!"

{Kestler punches Cassia in the face and then kicks him squarely in the chest, knocking him down.}

Kestler "How DARE you talk about her that way?"

Cassia "OK Rob, I'm not going to fight with you. I apologize. You're the only chance we have. How about, instead of making the liquor yourself, you have somebody else make it."

Kestler "No. I was sworn to secrecy when I learned how to make Gorn liquor. Most of the ingrediants are well known, but there is one secret ingrediant that no one here besides me knows, and they told me that if I ever told anyone it, they would blow up the Earth."

Faustino "Excellent. So we have a choice of getting eaten, or getting blown up."

{Vagrond's laughing interrupts our heroes.}

Vagrond "Fools! I have observed the Homo Sapiens mating pattern and I can tell you this - there is no way that Kestler will ever make another drop of the liquor again. Why do you think I have gone to such effort?"

Kestler "He's right guys. We're just going to have to defeat him."

{Vagrond laughs at this suggestion as everybody else glares at Kestler.}

Faustino "Come on Vagrond, there must be some other way. Maybe we can take a spaceship to this other bar somehow..."

Vagrond "Enough. Less Talky, more destroyie the worldie."

{Vagrond fades out and the TV returns to static. A Tom Green in the front tosses the TV up into the air and swallows it as it falls back down. He then burps and releases a new Tom Green from his stomach.}

Cassia "To the car, quick!"

{Everybody jumps into the car and they start driving away as quickly as possible. The Green Horde follows behind, collectively moving faster than a single Tom Green by rolling along Tom Greens laying on the ground. About 75 of them form a massive, cartoonish mallet which comes crashing down at the car, narrowly missing a few times before they're finally going fast enough to get away.}

Cassia "Damn it, Rob, why couldn't you have met a nice passive woman you could've kept barefoot and pregnant?"

Kestler "Derp?"

{The scene fades out slowly as Vagrond's voice is heard over the car driving away.}

Vagrond "Yes Kestler. Derp. Derp indeed."

{The scene then fades to black. It remains black for a few moments but then fades back in to the inside of the solid gold Metallica house where Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield are sitting on the floor covering their heads in the 'duck and cover' position they were taught in school. They slowly get up.}

Hetfield "Wait a minute, that nuclear missile should've impacted by now."

Ulrich "Yeah. How are we mother fucking still alive?"

{They slowly walk outside and notice that their house is covered by a lattice-like Tom Green structure, similar to the wall that saved Rob Kestler but in the form of a giant dome covering the Metallica house. A Tom Green drops from the top and lands neatly on his feet in front of Metallica.}

Mr. Green "H-hello b-boys. I t-think t-that perhaps you have s-something to o-offer m-me."

{Ulrich and Hetfield look at each other as the screen fade to black.}