Chad's Utopia . Com - The REAL Napoleon Kestler - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

The REAL Napoleon Kestler
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Wednesday, June 26th 2002 4:49 PM
Written: Monday, June 24th 2002

{Scene opens to late 1700s Europe. A voice-over is heard.}

VO "In the year seventeen-hunnert and blittery fix, the old power structures were in shambles. While England struggled to retain control of their colonies in America, France was easily conquered by a man named Napoleon...Kestler. Yes, Bonaparte was actually just a name he made up that he wanted the ladies to call him. Sadly, they didn't (They called him Flopépart) but somehow a gay historian got ahold of this nickname and it got into history books. As you've probably already guessed he was the great, great, etc., great grandfather of the most electrifying wrestler not currently wrestling, Rob Kestler. Don't get too excited though, they really weren't very similar."

{Napoleon Kestler and his second in command, Raymille III, aka Psycho Ray, are sitting in the middle of a field surrounded by their army. A man is painting a picture of Kestler as he poses heroically.}

Kestler "Make sure to paint me four feet tall because midgets are fun and silly!"

Psycho Ray "Why do you keep putting your hand in your coat while he's painting you?"

Kestler "Because I have jello in there!"

{Kestler pulls out some jello from his coat. Jello is a 1982 trademark of Bill Cosby and wasn't invented much earlier so who knows where he got it.}

Psycho Ray "Doesn't that make the inside of your coat soggy?"

Kestler :-O

Painter "Zere, I zem feneshed!"

{The painter turns the painting around and it is a remarkably good facimile of Kestler. In other words it looks exactly like the modern 6'6" Kestler wearing the full french army regalia and Napoleon hat.}

Kestler "Damn it, I said FOUR feet tall! Off with his head!"

Psycho Ray "Should we use the guillotine, or just show him Evan Levine RP's until his head gets bored and leaves of its own free will?"

Kestler "Hey! Don't make fun of people who haven't been born yet. Besides, what be this arpee of which you speak?"

Psycho Ray "I'm not sure but it must be important as that guy named Ooc says it all the time. Maybe it's a fast food restaurant."

Kestler "Meaudoodle."

{Just then William "Bill" Adams from the Americas runs in. Due to his involvement with the American Revolution in the States he is more commonly known as ARS man.}

ARS Man (also known as Bill) "Kestler! Frankly, the frankin Russian army is massing, and we are in frankin retreat!"

Psycho Ray "Your plan to attack the Russians in Coldberia in the middle of the 11-month long winter is probably your stupidest one yet. I mean, I know God protects Jews and Idiots which explains why you've won so many battles so far, but even you've gotta be pushing it."

Kestler "Meesa Sowry."

Psycho Ray "So we can retreat then?"

Kestler "Nopers! You see, my girlfriend, Cassie-andra Josephine Farmerer-Beauharnais told me that Russians are no-no non-silly poopers and I have to take them over, so that's what we do."

ARS Man (also known as Bill) "What the frank is this? We have to stay here and let the French army be frankin exterminated because your frankin girlfriend says so?!?"

Kestler "I've got a secret plan! Besides, you have to do what I say because the pope made me emperor of france!"

{Kestler removes a cheesy paper crown from his damp jacket and puts it on.}

Psycho Ray "I think that was just a 'Mutton King' employee whose last name happened to be Pope."

ARS Man (also known as Bill) "So what's the freakin plan?"

{Kestler smiles and motions as ten men wheel in a giant wooden crate. Kestler grabs a crowbar and pries the crate open. Inside is Vagrond sitting passed out holding a '40' of Gorn liquor.}

Kestler "Ta daa!"

ARS Man (also known as Bill) "What the frank is that?"

Kestler "I'm not sure but it fell from the sky so I'm assuming God gave it to me to defeat the Russians since I'm in good with his homie in the vatican."

{Vagrond burps and begins to get up.}

Kestler "Awwww, isn't that cute? I think I'll call him Napoleon Jr."

{Just then Vagrond flips himself to his feet. He turns over the bottle of liquor and, finding it empty, roars loudly. He hurls the lead bottle at ARS Man (also known as Bill), knocking him cleanly unconscious, then does a forward somersault through the air into the ranks of the French army, claws ready, and begins slashing the soldiers to pieces. The soldiers attempt to fight back but actually end up killing more of their comrades as the bullets just ricochet off Vagrond's tough hide.}

Kestler "Derp."

Psycho Ray "Holy shit Kestler! Your secret weapon is fucking killing our army!"

Kestler "Um, um, it's OK. Once he gets tired of killing Frenchmen he'll go kill the Russian army and we'll have victory."

Psycho Ray "Kestler, no one ever gets tired of killing Frenchmen."

Kestler :-(

{Vagrond continues to slaughter the french army until only Kestler and Ray, the only two who got the idea and didn't fight back, remain. Vagrond looks around and then shambles off to try to find a Russian bar that serves Gorn liqour.}

Kestler "Well I hope that doesn't get into the history books. Maybe I'll just tell them I have syphillus."

{Just then The Last Eskimo walks in.}

TLE "I see dead white men and I likes what I sees."

{fade.}