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Rejected IWO Character: Teve Tobs
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Wednesday, June 26th 2002 10:50 PM
Written: Thursday, May 23rd 2002

Wrestler Name:Teve Tobs

Height:6'0"

Weight:212 lbs.

Background/Personality:Teve Tobs appears as a thin but well-built man in his late 30’s . He wears a ski mask with the image of a granny-smith apple on it at all times, and a business suit or dress casual. Delusional would, perhaps, be too good a word to describe his personality. He seems to think that he's Michael Dudley circa 1999 and as such is obsessed with destroying ‘stupid lizard things’, and is very repetitive. Did I mention that he’s very repetitive? His history is unknown and murky, but is evidently somehow tied to Rob Kestler who, incidentally, got the $20 million he’s now worth in a bizarre series of events that resulted in Steve Jobs’ death. Coincidence? Hmmm… He seems to think that he constantly gets sexual favors from a variety of women, and is very wealthy (a la Dudley) but no one has any real evidence to support these claims. His only real friend is Fetus Boy who is a cripple or something, again Fetus Boy’s history is very murky but he was evidently the IWO fire chief one time because of his personal ‘effort.’ Teve Tobs is also very repetitive.

Your Name:MacDaddy Slim

E-mail Address:tevetobs@smileyface.com

Sample Roleplay

And now...
Teve Tobs is...
Teve Tobs in...
ROCKS THE PARTY
A Teve Tobs production

{The scene opens to a the inside of a mid-level office in a large building of Downtown Seattle. Teve Tobs is standing on a desk, wearing a white dress shirt, tie, and, of course, a ski mask with an image of a granny-smith apple.}

Tobs "Yeah it's great being me. Not only do I have a mid-level job in this large conglomeration, but I'm also the greatest wrestling sensation ever! No one can defeat me."

{One of Teve Tobs co-workers walks up to him.}

Coworker "Please get off the desk sir."

Tobs "Didn't you hear me! No one!"

{Teve Tobs pushes the coworker. The coworker grabs Tobs and pushes him to the ground them beats him senseless. Teve Tobs only fights back by very weakly slapping the coworker. Fade to a brutally beaten Teve Tobs walking outside of a mansion.}

Tobs "Well, I can't waste my strength outside of the ring. Yeah, that's it. Now I'm about to go to my very expensive mansion where I have all of my very expensive things."

{He walks inside the mansion and picks up an african tribal mask.}

Tobs "You see this! This is a mask-a-ma-jig. I got it on one of my excapades to the 'Dark Continent', i.e. my home of southern Alabamer."

{Suddenly a British couple walks in.}

British Man "I do say, what are you doing in my house!"

Tobs "This is TEVE TOBS' house now, mutha!"

British Man "Are you one of those minoritinites that they keep mentioning on the news?"

Tobs "Yes. I am the last member of the great Tobs lineage therefore making me a minority OF GREATNESS!"

British Man "Why are you talking like some sort of stupid wrestler? I don't like wrestling because it's phony and fake and the only people who watch it are the dirty trailor-ilk who I would only let prepare food for me if they put it under a little hole in the wall so I didn't have to see them."

Tobs "Wow, it's THOMAS JEFFERSON!"

Jefferson "Yes. Now get out of my house so I can go write some more letters about why slavery is bad while at the same time forcing my slaves to dance for my amusement."

Tobs "No way beeatch!! Monticello is mine!"

Jefferson "No one talks to a founding father that way!"

{Jefferson takes out a remote and hits the only button on it. Suddenly a large robot emerges from the wall.}

Tobs "No robot can stop me. I'm not going to go easy on you like I did on that office guy..."

{The robot picks up Tobs and throws him through Monticello's ceiling. Fade to Teve Tobs outside the crappy downtown slum where he lives.}

Tobs "Well I wanted to show you how living in a big mansion got me all sorts of boobies and thingies, but since that job-o-matic, YEAH TAKE THAT STUPID ROBOT THING, asked me to leave now I'm here. I'm going to show you my protegee. FETUS BOY!!! GET YOUR SEXY ASS OUT HERE!!!"

{A boy in a wheelchair wheels his way out from the slum. He is so underdeveloped that his bones appear waxy and if he wasn't supported by the wheelchair, he'd probably be a puddle.}

Fetus Boy "Gasp...mnark."

Tobs "I recognized Fetus Boy here immediately for his amazing talent. I've taken him under my wing and I'm training him to be the NEXT IWO WORLD CHAMPTION! Isn't that right, Fetus Boy?"

Fetus Boy "Gurgle"

Tobs "Yeah, it must be great being associated with me, it must get you a lot of HEAD!"

Fetus Boy "The only female I've seen in ten months was the civil rights worker they sent to check up on me."

Tobs "Yeah, I showed her who's her daddy!"

Fetus Boy "If I remember correctly you just talked very repetitively until she got so bored she left before checking to see if you were feeding me."

Tobs "Being repetitive rocks."

Fetus Boy "Yeah."

Tobs "Anyway, I was saying. it must be great being associated with me, it must get you a lot of HEAD!"

Fetus Boy "The only female I've seen in ten months was the civil rights worker they sent to check up on me."

Tobs "Yeah, I showed her who's her daddy!"

Fetus Boy "If I remember correctly you just talked very repetitively until she got so bored she left before checking to see if you were feeding me."
Tobs "Being repetitive rocks."

Fetus Boy "Yeah."

Tobs "Anyway, I was saying. it must be great being associated with me, it must get you a lot of HEAD!"

Fetus Boy "The only female I've seen in ten months was the civil rights worker they sent to check up on me."

Tobs "Yeah, I showed her who's her daddy!"

Fetus Boy "If I remember correctly you just talked very repetitively until she got so bored she left before checking to see if you were feeding me."

Tobs "Being repetitive rocks."

Fetus Boy "Yeah. It would have been nice to get a decent meal for once though."

Tobs "Now I think that the viewers of this inteRPview want to see our training in action, huh?"

Fetus Boy ""

Tobs "To develop hand/eye coordination we could play catch. But since we're wrestlers we have to play it in an EXTREME fashion!"

{Tobs removes a football from his suit and lights it on fire. He throws it into Fetus Boy, and when I say 'into' I mean that the ball literally embeds itself into the poor cripple. His wheelchair starts on fire. Fetus Boy starts moaning helplessly but Teve Tobs just walks away whistling. Fade to Teve Tobs in the middle of the commercial district with a bunch of maps and plans.}

Tobs "Now, when I'm not working at my lucrative job, admiring art in my mansion, training Fetus Boy, or getting HEAD from the 3,000 or so of my fans who line up every day to do so, I'm pursuing my other passion. Ridding the world of GIANT STUPID LIZARD THINGS!!!!! I think that anything that's giant and a lizard is STUPID and GAY and is even more so if it gets drunk a lot, eats midgets and has a name starting with a V. In my current giant lizard hunt I've tracked one of them to this downtown area of Seattle. My meticulous search shows that it should be right over there. LOOK!"

{The camera pans over to show a man in a 'Barney' suit entertaining some children. Tobs yells a mighty war cry and runs up to it, while all the children run away crying.}

Barney "H'yuk, what's your name fella?"

Tobs "My name is I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOUR ASS!"

Barney "Now, now, language, language."

{Tobs punches Barney in the midsection, toppling the dinosaur over forward. As Barney stumbles to get up Tobs clotheslines him, knocking the head off the costume.}

Tobs "YEAH! I KILLED THE STUPID LIZARD THING!!!"

Barney "What did you do that for?"

Tobs "Gasp! It must be one of those stupid lizard things that can survive without, and eventually regenerate, their HEADS!"

Barney "What's your problem?"

Tobs "YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!"

Barney "No seriously, why are you doing this?"

Tobs "Because you're one of those stupid lizard things that can survive without, and eventually regenerate, their HEADS!"

Barney "Why are you being so repetitive?!?"

Tobs "YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!"

{Tobs jumps at Barney, toppling him over again. He digs into the suit, completely tearing it apart, revealing the man underneath.}

Man "Now look what you've done? Do you know how much these things cost."

Tobs "Yes noble citizen, I have freed you from the beast's belly. Now just burn these pieces so that he can't regenerate."

{Tobs walks away with a big grin on his face. Fade to the inside of Teve Tob's slum where he and Fetus Boy are sitting on their torn up Goodwill couches. By this I mean that Fetus Boy's wheelchair has been propped up on the couch.}

Tobs "Now, when I'm not working at my lucrative job, admiring art in my mansion, training Fetus Boy, or getting HEAD from the 3,000 or so of my fans who line up every day to do so or pursuing my other passion which is ridding the world of GIANT STUPID LIZARD THINGS, or being incredibly repetitive, I come home here. And now let me show you something special."

{Teve Tobs walks up to a closet and opens it revealing a little shrine. Two rows of candles sit atop a bunch of 'Macintosh Lover' magazine clippings which lead to a photo of Rob Kestler in a string bikini. This is IN FACT the exact same photo of Kestler as appeared on the news after Kestler became CEO of Apple and gained over $20 million in stock options so long ago. The photo has a large black X drawn over it, crossing Kestler out. Did I mention that this is IN FACT the exact same photo of Kestler as appeared on the news after Kestler became CEO of Apple and gained over $20 million in stock options so long ago? God, being repetitive rocks. Tobs looks at the x-ed out photo and then talks to the camera.}

Tobs "You think you're all so high and mighty, Kestler, doing pointless things and saying things that make no sense, but soon you'll be mine and then you'll know what pain is all about. You'll know all about what it's about, pain that is. YOU'LL KNOW ALL ABOUT PAIN IS ALL YOU'LL KNOW ALL ABOUT PAIN IS ALL YOU'LL KNOW ALL ABOUT PAIN IS ALL YOU'LL KNOW ALL ABOUT PAIN IS ALL YOU'LL KNOW ALL ABOUT PAIN IS ALL YOU'LL KNOW ALL ABOUT!"

{Pause, Tobs looks at Fetus Boy then back at the camera.}

Tobs "I know how you got your money, Kestler!"

{Fade as Tobs is arrested by police for wanton destruction of a lovable character suit.}