Chad's Utopia . Com - SILLY GAME TIME! - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

SILLY GAME TIME!
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Thursday, June 27th 2002 12:01 AM
Written: Monday, April 22nd 2002

(Open to France where French presidential candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen is standing next to his henchman Bolvox. They are both wearing full Nazi regalia and of course talking in English with a bad French accent like all real Frenchmen.)

Le Pen "Zose fulz! I have already almost vun ze furst round of elections, and in ze second I can not fail for I am copying ze techniques uzed in America! Bolvox, ze ballote!"

(Bolvox hands Le Pen the French voting ballot which looks like an old McDonalds Children's Placemat/Maze and you have to trace your line to whom you want to vote for. Incumbent president Chirac's name is atop an image of a little alligator who looks like he would eat your pencil.)

Le Pen "Oui! My careful planag vill pay off zoon! Bolvox, get me fuhrer Buchanan on ze telephone machzine!"

(Bolvox dials the phone and hands it to Le Pen.)

Le Pen "Mein Buchanan, you von't be able to guess ze..."

(Le Pen is stopped short as suddenly something comes gushing out of the top of the Eiffel tower like it's a big oil rig. (As the Eiffel Tower is obviously visible from everywhere in France.) The stuff that comes out seems to eat everything in its path!)

Bolvox "Mon dieu!"

(The scene then changes to Buchanan in his hospital bed, hooked up to wires and holding a phone. Le Pen's terrible scream comes from the phone. Buchanan is surprised, so surprised in fact that he grabs his chest and dies right there of a heart attack. A nurse enters.)

Nurse "Make a note. Cause of death was the terrible knowledge of being beat by George W. Bush not once, but twice."

(Cut to Buchanan's funeral where the only attendants are Rob Kestler, Cassie and David Faustino. Kestler is crying heavily.)

Kestler "NOOOOOOO! Why do the GOOD always die so YOUNG!"

(The mortician looks at Kestler as if to say, 'God what an idiot!')

Cassie "Rob, I don't like this. this guy is a very very VERY non-silly. He wanted to get rid of the mexicans and my dad always says that nobody, NOBODY, works like mexicans!"

Kestler "Moocrydoodle!"

Faustino "Come on Kestler, this guy would've outlawed me!"

Cassie "Buchanon was a bad, bad, bad, bad, non-silly, bad!"

(The mortician looks at Kestler as if to say 'Man, idiot, why ARE you here? Even your woman is getting on your case!')

Kestler "Why GOD why did you have to take Pat Bullard from us? First my paper was late this morning then the bus ride here was boring and now THIS!"

Faustino "This is the funeral for Pat Buchanan, not Pat Bullard."

Kestler "On, you mean that the host of the final season of "Love Connection" and "Card Sharks" is still alive?"

Cassie "Of course. If he was dead that also would be a very non-silly."

Kestler :-)

Faustino "Does that mean we can leave now?"

Kestler "Yes but I don't want to take the bus. How about we all just close our eyes and concentrate on where we want to go, and hope that we'll end up there somehow."

(They all close their eyes. The mortician looks at Kestler as if to say 'Man Kestler, not only are you an unfunny really gay jobber, but now you think that you can teleport. Man is there any way that you can possibly get more pathetic?'. Now that, my friend is a look. The mortician, also being the son of Uri Geller and another of Rob's half brothers, reads their minds and puts them each on trains headed to where they were thinking about. He then grinds up Buchanan and feeds him to a mexican family just so that the irony factor is high.)

(Rob and Cassie open their eyes to find themselves on a haystack in Cassie's parents' farm.)

Kestler "It worked!"

Cassie "SILLY!"

Kestler "SILLY :-)"

Cassie ":-)"

Kestler "Hey, where's Bud Bundy? He's supposed to say ;-) at this point."

(Cut to Bud Bundy sitting in the Olympic Mens' shower room in Athens, just waiting for 2004. Cut back to Rob and Cassie.)

Kestler "Hey Cassie, how do you make that sound?"

Cassie "What sound?"

Kestler "That knocking sound?"

Cassie "I'm not making any sound. Have you and Psycho Jay been stuffing things into each others ears again?"

Kestler "Nooooooooooo."

(Zoom in to Rob's ear where about 3,000 cocktail napkins are stuffed.)

Cassie "He's a baddie bad bad non-silly. That's why you can't see him or that Vagrond person."

Kestler Moosighdoodle.

(Suddenly a loud knocking at the door is heard.)

Kestler "Let's go see who's there!"

Cassie "I hope it's a COW!"

Kestler "Cows are fun!"

Cassie "Cows are silly!"

Kestler "SILLY!"

(The knocking intensifies. After ten minutes of scintillating Rob/Cassie dialog that could have been made by a random word generator - except that most of those don't have the word derp - Rob and Cassie finally go up to the door and open it. The Last Eskimo enters, spear in hand, parka on back.)

TLE "Fool white man and white woman. First you have the audacity to take my land and now you rape it by cutting the soil with plows and raising animals other than the native Caribou."

Cassie "Caribou are silly!"

Kestler "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"

TLE "I normally live on my abandoned oil rig platform that your goverment has named the 'Soverign Nation' of Eskimo Alaska. But yesterday it was eaten by what looked like a giant bad haircut. Just what I expected from the white man, so I came here."

Kestler "Derp"

(The Last Eskimo raises his spear.)

TLE "If you tell me where I can hunt caribou near here, white man, I may spare your life."

Kestler "Yeah, you'll kill me. VAGROND!"

(Nothing happens.)

Kestler "Oh, right. Cassie made me get rid of him."

TLE "My patience grows short, white man."

Cassie "My cousin Jim-bob has a Caribou farm in southern Plowville."

Kestler "Really?!"

Cassie "Yup. Any living thing on earth is probably farmed somewhere in Iowa."

(Cut temporarily to Farmer Thimbleblossom's farm where he grows child television stars.)

(Cassie, Rob and The Last Eskimo leave the farmhouse and head South. Cassie sees something.)

Cassie "Hey, what's that in the field?"

Kestler "Grass?"

Cassie "No, between that."

(Cassie moves away the grass to reveal washed up Hollywoodite Tom Green laying on the ground.)

TLE "What, we stop for this? Another meaningless white man?"

Kestler "It's not just any man, it's Tom Green! He played Sunshine Flower Rainbow Jobs in my miniseries!"

(TRUE!)

TLE "I care not for your white man television and the ethnic cleansing performed by the WB and now UPN."

Kestler "That miniseries was just Tom Green and Andy Dick running in circles yelling 'woop, woop, woop' for five non-consecutive hours. All I can say about it is thank god for Andy Dick."

Cassie "Well we can't just leave him here! If we do he'll get caught in the fieldgrass thresher and that won't make for good eatin'."

(Cut temporarily to the mexican family on welfare eating Buchanan and giving thumbs up indicating that it probably would have made for good eatin')

(Cassie and Rob pick up Tom Green and start carrying him.)

Kestler "Man is he light. I wonder if he's dead?"

Cassie "Only one way to find out."

(Cassie then sticks one of her fingers up Tom Green's nose. She looks at her watch while doing this.)

Cassie "No pulse so he must be. We can put him on the kitchen table so when daddy gets back from a-plowin then he can tell us what to do."

Kestler ":-)"

TLE "You pathetic white peoples are wasting my time. You need to show me where the caribou are before you deal with your dead fellow white man in whatever wasteful manner you choose to do so."

Kestler "Cassie's parents might have some caribou in the fridge."

TLE "While that would not be as acceptable as hunting if it allows me to take something from the white man then I am all for it."

(Rob, Cassie and The Last Eskimo head back to the farmhouse where they sprawl Tom Green spread eagle over the dining room table and head into the kitchen to find some frozen caribou. As soon as they leave Tom Green's eyes spring open. He flips himself up very quickly and, making a chattering noise, jumps towards the ceiling and disappears. The other characters return.)

TLE (Eating a frozen fish) "Fool white man. I will eat your fish but I won't enjoy it."

Kestler "Hey, where's Mr. Green?"

Cassie "Uh oh. Maybe one of our 784 farm dogs got ahold of him. If they did daddy'll be awful mad, he wants those dogs nice & hungry & mean."

(Rob and Cassie begin searching. The Last Eskimo follows them as he lacks any real purpose in life. They notice that one of the supports holding the roof up is loose.)

Kestler "What's this?"

(Kestler reaches up at the support but it falls away, revealing TWO Tom Greens! They are busy biting at the building's supports, eating them at a terrifyingly fast rate. One of them hisses and jumps at Kestler, but meets the business end of a harpoon before he can get to Kestler.)

TLE "There I saved your life white man, after you have destroyed mine, thus proving my superiority."

(Kestler just looks at the dead Tom Green as it disappears in a poof of smoke. The other one jumps at TLE who sidesteps it and neatly harpoons its chest off.)

Kestler "That's RIGHT! NOW I remember! Tom Green was eaten by Vagrond! We wanted to clone him but we lacked key elements of his DNA sequence, so we filled them in with DNA from those self-reproducing african frogs. The result was the GREEN HORDE, a mass so idiotic that it could only be defeated through the combined efforts of H.O.M.O.S. and a really mean biker gang."

Cassie "You've told me that story many times Robbypoo, but you always said that only one survived, and that one drowned in a vat of his own pee pee."

Kestler "Yeah, his audience really got so hard to shock that he was forced to do it. But even when it existed, the Green Horde wasn't hostile, just really, really annoying."

Cassie "Something very un-silly is going on here."

Kestler "Our Eskie buddy here killed both of them, so whatever it was it's over now. Come on, eskie, I think that I might have some land for you in one of the barns that's attached to this house."

(TLE, shocked that someone might actually give in to one of his demands, follows Cassie and Rob through the farmerin' walkway over to one of the many barns directly attached to the farmhouse. Upon arriving in the barn they notice that it is now full of dozens of Tom Greens! They are on all three levels eating the respective hay, straw and dirt that is stored on each, as if they were insects. When one Tom Green eats enough he belches loudly and expels a new duplicate from his stomach. Two Tom Greens jump at Rob and Cassie but TLE eliminates them with some handy harpoonwork. Finally one Tom Green stops eating and stumbles forward, towards everybody.)

Cassie "See Rob, when I say non-silly I mean it."

TLE "Too many fool white men!"

Kestler "Dear proper noun..."

(Rob is stopped talking by the Tom Green who walked forward. He talks, but his mouth moves as if somebody had put peanut butter on his lips and he sounds an awful lot like Mr. Ed)

Mr. Green "H-hello, R-rob-bert!"

Kestler "Derp?"

Mr. Green "I am h-here to p-play a g-game. You'd like to play a g-game Rob-bert, w-wouldn't you?"

Kestler "Games are fun!"

TLE "Moronic white man, can't you tell that any game he is interested in would involve your own destruction?"

Kestler "Derp?"

Mr. Green "Y-you p-put many words into one, Rob-bert, b-but you h-have no choice. The g-game is as follows. See if you can stop us from eating the entirety of Cassie's house - and Y-YOU in the p-process!"

Kestler "Damn. What's with people and the death threats today? VAGROND!"

(Nothing happens.)

Cassie "Rob..."

Kestler "Right."

(The Tom Green that was talking falls on all fours and starts eating the dirt. The other Tom Greens growl and rush at everybody.)

TLE "Die self-reproducing white comedian! I kill you like I killed Carrot Top!"

(TLE grips his harpoon tightly and starts slashing down the attacking Green Horde as Kestler and Cassie run. They quickly run back into the kitchen where TLE joins them, his spear covered in Green blood (which happens to be red in color))

TLE "Damn the white man. It wasn't enough that he could reproduce with the fornication, now he's able to reproduce without it and actually eat the land! Damn him!"

Kestler "I think we'd better come up with a plan. But first, I'm thristy."

Cassie "No Rob! Don't smash your head into a hard object! That is a no no!"

Kestler "Yes Cassiekins, I've learned that when I'm thirsty the SAFE way to drink is to go to the fridge."

(Kestler walks up to the fridge and opens it. He is tackled by a Tom Green. The Tom Green pushes down on Kestler and tries to bite him as Kestler desparately moves out of the way.)

Kestler "So, refrigerators are safe, HUH? I didn't think so! It's back to the cider block for me!"

TLE "I can't spear that particular white man until you get him off you, Kestler!"

Kestler "In Geller's name HOW?!?"

Cassie "You weigh over 300 pounds, remember?"

Kestler "Oh yeah."

(Kestler, upon remembering that he is 313 lbs and 6'6", easily tosses the 97 pound Tom Green off him as The Last Eskimo spears it in midair, where it explodes for no real reason.)

TLE "We must get out of this house, however as I know nothing of non-snow construction, you must lead the way."

Kestler "Uh, yeah Cassie, lead the way out of the house."

Cassie "Why don't you do it Rob?"

Kestler "Why not you?"

Cassie "Why not you?"

TLE "The white man's stupidity continues to amaze me. How can you not know how to leave your own domicile?"

Cassie "It's a REALLY big farmhouse."

Kestler "And we've never had to do it under duress before."

Cassie ":-("

Kestler ";-("

TLE "Why are you winking."

Kestler "That was a tear."

TLE "OK. Once again it is up to the proud Eskimo race to lead all people of the world to salvation. Follow me!"

(TLE jams his harpoon into a wall and rips back, tearing the plaster panelling off. Of course inside the wall are several Tom Greens. TLE stabs two of them and Rob and Cassie use the Tom Green corpses as human shields while he breaks the outer wall with his harpoon. Rob, Cassie and TLE rush outside onto the green 4-leaf clover crop.)

Kestler "Wouja lookit that."

(Kestler points at Cassie's parents' REALLY big farmhouse, with walkway connections to mutliple barns. It is literally swarming with Tom Greens crawling over the roof, in and out of windows and various cracks in the walls, as well as basically covering the barns.)

TLE "In the name of this land which is rightfully mine, something must be done."

Kestler "But what? There are so many!"

Cassie "Very very very VERY very not not not NOT not silly!"

TLE "White man who is called Kestler, you must somehow think of a way to defeat all of the Tom Greens at once. You know the most about him and the wicked white man technology that made him."

Kestler "Oh no, I'm not thinking again. The last time that happened Plandeux beat me on a three-count."

Cassie "But that was in a stupid fake wrestling thing. This is REAL!"

(Zoom out to Hastur the Unspeakable watching these events on a TV set.)

Hastur "Good, good!"

(Zoom back in to Rob & Cassie.)

Kestler "OK Cassie, I'll do it!"

(Rob Kestler sits down on the ground and, as the awful chewing sound of the Green Horde gets louder, thinks as hard as he can. Meanwhile, the scene changes to what was happening at the same time on a plane at 10,000 feet with the captain and the copilot.)

Captain "Allright then, I'll just push the button releasing the sewage now..."

Copilot "No! You can't do it now...we're over a major rural area in Iowa."

Captain "You're right! They'll immediately notice raw sewage in Iowa!"

(The captain and the copilot look at each other for a moment then break out laughing hysterically. The captain pushes the button and the scene changes back to Rob thinking. 100 lbs. of greenish-brown raw sewage plummets from the sky and splashes over him.)

Kestler "I'VE GOT IT!!! Tom Green can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

Webster "Whatcha talking about Kestler?"

(Everybody jumps as they realize that Webster has been here the whole time filming everything.)

Kestler "Tom Green got soooooooooooo mad when that one guy hit him in the face with a pie. So if we can just play some awful prank on him...one worse than anything he's tried yet in his career, he'll be destroyed by envy!"

TLE "What in the name of the great spirit would that be? I have had the misfortune to watch that particular white comedian on the television machine and his actions just got worse and worse as his anemic white audience became placid and desensitized."

Kestler "Derp?"

TLE "I mean, what can you do that's worse than what he's already done?"

Kestler "I have an idea. It's kind of green, wet and smelly, but it'll do. Last Eskimo, you're a psychotic loner with no money and no need to contact any other human being. Therefore I assume you have a cell phone."

(TLE hands Kestler his cell phone. Kestler dials a phone number and talks inaudibly into the phone while Cassie and TLE watch. Suddenly a rusty pickup truck full of latinos drives up. Kestler turns to them.)

Kestler "You ready?"

Latino #1 "Yes, we just finished eating."

Kestler "Let's do this!"

(The latinos turn around and drops their pants so they are mooning the farmhouse. Kestler yells at the Green Horde...)

Kestler "Hey, Green Horde! Prepare to be farted at!"

(A Tom Green shambles out of the house and towards Kestler. It talks in the Mr. Ed voice again.)

Mr. Green "A f-fart? Is that the b-best you can do? P-pathetic!"

Kestler "Perhaps by itself. But do you know who these people are next to me? They're the very same homosexual mexican family on welfare that just got done eating Pat Buchanon! So you're about to be the first human being ever hit with a CANNIBALISM FART!"

(Kestler waves his hand and the homosexual mexican family on welfare lets it rip! The cannibalism fart wafts over the farmhouse, causing every Tom Green clone to explode with Green envy (Which, incidentally, is gray in color)! As the cannibalism fart dissipates the entire house and barn complex is rid of the Green Horde. The only Tom Green that remains alive is the one that was just talking to Kestler. It's wobbly lips move again...)

Mr. Green "V-very g-good Robert. You have managed to win the game. But I must tell you, this was but a fraction of my strength. Had I brought all of my p-power cr-rashing down on you your p-pathetic little trick would have b-been worthless. I will c-consume the w-world, but don't fear, I will take out the o-others before I take out you. Rob-bert, I will kill you second to last because you are, in some sense, MY CREATOR. And you, Last of the Esquimeaux, I will kill you last of all, so you feel not only the loneliness of being the last of your sub-species, but also of being the last member of the entire, pathetic human race. As for C-cassie..."

Cassie "Yeah, right, whatever. LAST ESKIMO!"

(The Last Eskimo, upon this cue, throws his harpoon valiantly through the chest of the remaining Tom Green, causing it to blip out of existance with the satisfying point value for it (450) floating towards the heavens.)

Kestler "Hey, you actually picked something up from me for a change!"

Cassie :-)

Kestler :-)

(As the last of the sewage blows off Kestler he has his last complex thought of the year.)

Kestler "Those Tom Greens seemed way too smart and organized to just be on their own. Something was controlling them...but WHAT? And it called me its creator, so what's that?"

Cassie "Who cares! They said we won, therefore we won!"

Kestler "Derp!"

Cassie "This is super silly! We should celebrate! Rob do you want to...hold my hand?"

(Rob gets a very bashful smile on his face and incredibly tenatively reaches out to take Cassie's hand. He holds it as someone who's afraid of heights would grip the bar on a roller coaster. As he does this he gets a mindlessly blissful smile on his face.)

TLE "Those Tom Greens must have eaten a large percentage of the superstructure of your white man domicile. I wonder how it is able to stand up?"

(TLE's question is answered as the entire house/barn complex crashes into a pile of rubble in front of them. Just at that moment Cassie's father drives up in his plow.)

Father "Oh dear Jehobah!" (Looks at rubble) "Mah house!" (Looks at homosexual mexican family on welfare) "Mah mexicans!" (Looks at Cassie and Rob holding hands) "Mah dahter is being vah-ah-lated!"

(Cassie's father searches the rubble of his house for his 'wedding shotgun' while at the same time Kestler faints from too much hand-holding bliss. TLE retreives his spear and begans surveying the land since it's his anyway.)

(The scene then spontaneously changes back to David Faustino sitting in the Athens mens' Olympic swimming team shower room. He is just sitting there, smiling, until suddenly a noise is heard.)

Faustino "Wait a minute, I've heard that noise before. Oh no...OH NO!!!"

(The ground begins to rumble as David Faustino rushes into the locker room and frantically tears open locker after locker in a search attempt.)

Faustino "Come on! There has to be one somewhere in here!"

(Suddenly in one locker he finds what he was looking for.)

Faustino "YES!!!"

(Faustino leaps on the magical unicorn he found in the locker and flies away just in time, as beneath him Greece is eaten by four billion Tom Greens. Fade to TO BE CONTINUED!)