Chad's Utopia . Com - Nothing part 3 - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Nothing part 3
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Tuesday, August 13th 2002 10:54 PM
Written: Monday, January 15th 2001

{Scene fades into a gay strip club where Kestler is endlessly searching for the Scott Stone species...}

Kestler "Hey homosexual number 1."

Homosexual number 1 "Hello."

Kestler "I'm looking for the Scott Stone species."

Homosexual number 1 "What the rainbow is that?"

Kestler "I'm not really sure but I was told that this was probably the best place to look."

Homosexual number 1 "I don't know, you'll have to ask Maurice."

{Maurice the gay bartender walks over all limp wristed. Did I mention that he's actually a Michael Dudley midget turned gay?...}

Maurice "How can I help you you studoliscious man?"

Kestler "I'm looking for the Scott Stone species. Apparently he's been known to frequent gay bars, strip joints, and bistros with his love slave Evan Levine in tow."

Maurice "Does he give head to random strangers for nickels and then use the nickels to buy quarters which he then uses to buy condoms from the bathroom which he then uses to pick up guys by making them into balloon shapes."

Kestler "Kind of sounds like him."

Maurice "And he's an IWO jobber that won't ammount to anything."

Kestler "There you go."

Maurice "Never seen him."

Kestler "You haven't?"

Maurice "No, like I said, he was always on his knees orally gratifying men and I'm a bartender so he was always below the bar, so I never really 'saw' him but I heard him and apparently he swallows."

Kestler "Derp?"

Maurice "Now, are you going to pay me for sex or what?"

Kestler "Cassie wouldn't think that is silly at all!"

Maurice "Cassie? That der sounds like a girls name!"

Kestler "Yep :-)"

Maurice "We don't take well to your type here! Get him boys!"

{5 ninjas in leotards jump out from behind the counter...}

Kestler "Oh, it's on!"

{First ninja attacks Kestler and completely beats the tar out of him and leaves him on the ground for dead....}

Maurice "Damn, I didn't expect that to happen. I thought Kestler was the hero in this whole thing."

{Director walks on camera...}

Director "No no no no no! This is a whole new philosophy of film making! The hero just gets squished. I mean, it's 5 ninjas! These are men trained for life to kill people! Let's be realistic here! How is this one man going to be them all. Gosh, what a crock. Alright, let's now set up the scene where they drag him into an inescapeable chamber where he dies."

Kestler (from the ground) "I don't like this any more."

Director "Tough, you're just a wrestler! Just walking meat! You're nothing! NOTHING! I control you! I OWN YOU!"

{Director rips off his mask to reveal it's Jamie Kosoy midget!...}

Kestler "Kosoy!"

Kosoy midget "No!"

{Kosoy midget rips off his mask to reveal that he's really gaseous cloud alien and Rob Kestler's arch nemesis PLANDEUX! Kestler pulls a paper cup out of his pocket and crushes it....}

Kestler "PLANDEUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

{Fades to shawn carter midget picking dollar bills out of gay stripper's g-strings...}

Carter midget "Kestler is like going to win a match that he didn't know he had and shit yo."

{fade}