Chad's Utopia . Com - Pee pee - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Pee pee
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Tuesday, August 13th 2002 10:59 PM
Written: Tuesday, October 17th 2000

{SfiotootPPnGiM, M. AotCotPasoiaotaiIT, RJ, aWacm.
Asritatfdaagsr"SPiGGO"atfots. AmCEwbwa"BD, DD"T, hlats, gabsohfagtsaetu...}

T"Tia! TPnGifgto!"

AWSM(AkaB)"Fy! TFshboswgitFIWO!"

T"Obiwwtw."

{STchlajupadtche...}

PJ"Hg, yhtwab, tsmrthtbd."

ST :-(

RK"Dwt, alwwatgVtcootsftftihay."

{CfoV, tG, agslwa3pbawhat. Dha, oglisetaah. GlisstiattdiotVttwm. Ne.
Vistwapaarlb...}

T"HR, VwaRL. Hmltet."

K"N, hjaamwaRLb. IwbsiVasotms."

{CnVftftaivd...}

C"WiTt?"

K"O, tmbbV. IkhsIwz."

C"O."

{ClafV. Klaatsitmotr...}

IT"H."

{AmdlDDwb...}

DD"ItIMLC...."

{Veh...}

PJ"WftCPoM."

K"AIafPoFahtr. Sor, Ihamtgt!"

{RsroaertloPIQ(IQ)...}

IQ "A, hR."

K"HnwsawzmPIQ."

IQ "WcIdyf?"

K"IfmaPahwSoF. Intbr."

IQ "Fo, wdynrf?"

K "Idr. BimbbsPih."

IQ "DyekPbtfthaoIWOTV?"

K "N."

IQ "Thchbya?"

K "Id. Hji."

IQ "W, waPwpp?"

K "Wl, hrdha."

IQ "CoR, awabmhaw."

K "Hdhab."

IQ "Wayta?"

K "Hmoaggtarb."

IQ "IttthcTkhits?"

K "AydTska?"

IQ "N...."

K "H?!"

IQ "SdR."

K "O."

IQ "Stmhnb."

K "C."

IQ "We?"

K "Hhtpatmpgu."

IQ "Wl, totIchyw!"

{PIQhRabccitf...}

K "Wt?"

IQ "Iaagc."

K "SJ!"

IQ "SJi."

K "Igtwn."

IQ "Yya. BR, ymryzta. Dyrlwt?"

{Fbtlw. RaZMIQasitlpitmot...}

IQ "FR, tialonathsymrctcys."

Kestler "YMIQ."

IQ "NR, wiBagDD?"

K "InsMIQ."

IQ "ABDDgDD."

{R"a"iie....}

IQ "NR, bp. Fwfwtyisl."

K "Ipm."

IQ "NR, wiRagDD?"

{Ktf4m...}

K"arDDgdd?"

IQ "A, bR....tanRDD."

{Kca"O"a"A"atZe. Fbttp...}

K "YP, Irw."

IQ "G, tyar. Ttsaywbrfa."

{RKgtsapio. TshapoPIQoiaicis"PIQs...'Tkyw!'"}

The preceding was presented in Short hand internet jargin for ease of reading among our internet savvy friends. For you "non-technicals" the straight english version follows...

{Scene fades in on the outside of the Psychic Porn 'n Go in Minneapolis,
Minnesota. All of the Children of the Porn are standing outside including a
ll of the associates including Ike Turner, Rick James, and Webster as camera
man. A small ribbon is tied across the front door and a giant sign reading
"Sighkic Pourn in Goe Graind Ohpening" adorns the front of the shop. A
midget COMMISH Evan walks by wearing a "Bin Der, Dun Dat" T-shirt, he looks
at the sign, gets a big smile on his face and gives the sign an enthusiastic
thumbs up...}

Tod "This is awesome! The Porn 'n Go is finally going to open!"

AWS Man (Also known as Bill) "Freakin' yeah! The Freakin' store hasn't be
open since we've gotten in the Freakin' IWO!"

Tod "Oh, but it was worth the wait."

{Schitzo Tod crosses his legs and jumps up and down to contain his
excitement...}

Psycho Jay "Hey guys, you have to wait a bit, there's still more remodeling
that has to be done."

Schitzo Tod :-(

Rob Kestler "Don't worry though, at least we were able to get Vagrond to
come out of the shop for the first time in half a year."

{Camera focuses on Vagrond, the Gorn, a giant space lizard with a 300 pound
bionic arm with heavy alcoholic tendancies. Despite his alcoholism, only
gorn liquor is strong enough to actually affect him. Gorn liquor is so
strong that if anyone tries to drink it other than Vagrond then they will
melt. No exceptions. Vagrond is sitting there wearing a pancho and a red
lobster bib...}

Tod "Hey Rob, Vagrond was at Red Lobster. He must like to eat there."

Kestler "No, he just ate a midget wearing a Red Lobster bib. It would be
silly if Vagrond ate something other than midgets."

{Cassie notices Vagrond for the first time and is visably disgusted...}

Cassie "What is THAT thing?"

Kestler "Oh, that's my bestest buddy Vagrond. I've known him since I was
zero."

Cassie "Oh."

{Cassie looks away from Vagrond. Kestler looks at a top spinning in the
middle of the road...}

Ike Turner "Honky."

{A midget dressed like Donnie Daze walks by...}

Donnie Daze "I'm the IML Champi...."

{Vagrond eats him....}

Psycho Jay "We face the Central Powers on Monday."

Kestler "And I also face Plandeux on Friday and have to referee. Speaking
of refereeing, I have a meeting to go to!"

{Rob suddenly runs off and eventually reaches the laboratory of Professor
Irvin Quiver (IQ)...}

IQ "Ah, hello Rob."

Kestler "Hello new wrestling strategist and weekend zen master Professor
IQ."

IQ "What can I do ya for?"

Kestler "I'm facing my arch-nemesis Plandeux and his wife-servant Soltres
on Friday. I need to be redeemed."

IQ "First off, what do you need redemption for?"

Kestler "I don't remember. But it must be bad since Plandeux is here."

IQ "Did you even know Plandeux before the first time he appeared on IWO
TV?"

Kestler "No."

IQ "Then how can he be your arch-nemesis?"

Kestler "I dunno. He just is."

IQ "Well, what are Plandeux's weak points physically?"

Kestler "Well, he really doesn't have any."

IQ "Come on Rob, anyone with a body must have a weakness."

Kestler "He doesn't have a body."

IQ "What are you talking about?"

Kestler "He's more of a gaseous gathering than a real being."

IQ "If that's true then how could Tod kick him in the shin?"

Kestler "Are you doubting Tod's shin kicking ability?"

IQ "Noo...."

Kestler "Huh?!"

IQ "Settle down Rob."

Kestler "Ok."

IQ "So this man has no body."

Kestler "Correcto."

IQ "What else?"

Kestler "He has the psychic ability to make people giggle uncontrollably."

IQ "Well, that's one thing I can help you with!"

{Professor IQ hands Rob a baseball cap covered in tin foil...}

Kestler "What's this?"

IQ "It's an anti-psychic giggle cap."

Kestler "SWEET JUICE!"

IQ "Sweet Juice indeed."

Kestler "I'm going to win now."

IQ "Yes you are. But Rob, you must remember your zen training also. Do
you remember last weekend's training?"

{Flashed back to last weekend. Rob and Zen Master IQ are sitting in the
lotus position in the middle of traffic...}

IQ "First Rob, there is a lot of noise and traffic here so you must really
concentrate to center your spirit."

Kestler "Yes Master IQ."

IQ "Now Rob, what is BLUE and goes DING DONG?"

Kestler "I'm not sure Master IQ."

IQ "A Blue Ding Dong goes Ding Dong."

{Rob "ahhhhhs" in intellectual enlightenment....}

IQ "Now Rob, be prepared. For what follows will test your inner self's
limits."

Kestler "I'm prepared master."

IQ "Now Rob, what is RED and goes Ding Dong?"

{Kestler thinks for 45 minutes...}

Kestler "a red Ding Dong goes ding dong?"

IQ "Ahhhh, but Rob....there are no Red Ding Dongs."

{Kestler claps and "Oooooos" and "Ahhhhhhs" at the Zen enlightenment.
Flashes back to the present...}

Kestler "Yes Professor, I remember well."

IQ "Good, then you are ready. Take this shirt and you will be ready for
anything."

{Rob Kestler grabs that shirt and puts it on. The shirt has a picture of
Professor IQ on it and in captions it says "Professor IQ says...'T-shirts
keep you warm!'"}