Chad's Utopia . Com - Penguin Regime - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Penguin Regime
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Tuesday, August 13th 2002 11:00 PM
Written: Saturday, November 25th 2000

{Scene fades into Rob Kestler playing tonsel hockey with Cassie in their IWO dressing closet. They are literally playing a game of hockey with the tonsel sacks pulled out of amazon frogs. Kestler with the shot...Miss! Cassie throws down her hockey stick...}

Cassie "I don't get why this is game is called tonsel hockey. We don't use hockey sticks, we are using brooms. And there's no puck and I don't even think tonsel is a word."

Kestler "Sure it is! There are the organs out of the throat of a frog!"

Cassie "ICKY POO!! SILLYKINS! THIS ISN'T SILLY AT ALL! IT'S ALL DISGUSTING!"

Kestler "Sowry."

{The luchador Labrador is in the corner sniffing himself...}

Kestler "What are we going to do with that dog?"

Cassie "I'm thinking of knitting him a little wrestler sweater and he can go to the ring with you during your dangerous fake wrestling show and he can bring you luck! It'll be bright pink and say "GO SILLYKINS!" really big on it with velvet letters! The kind with cow spots! YAY! Cows!"

{Cassie gets completely lost in her own world of knitting and cows...}

Kestler "I wonder what it would be like to be a penguin."

{Fades to Rob Kestler dressed as a penguin...}

Pengler "Brrrrrr...It's cold being a penguin. And I'm hungry."

{Pengler walks around aimlessly for a number of hours. He stumbles upon a gathering of penguins worshipping an idol of Joe Mielo...}

Pengler "Cherp."

Penguin Leader "Halt! Who goes there!"

Pengler "It is I, Rob Pengler, I come in search of the meaning to penguin life."

Penguin Leader "Then you must answer me these questions three. What is your name, what is your mission, and how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?"

Pengler "Cherp."

Penguin Leader "Ok, he's too stupid to be a threat, you may join us."

Pengler "Sweet juice."

Penguin Leader "After his shallow expulsion from the IWO Joe Mielo migrated here and set up a small empire of penguins dedicated to his religion. Joe Mieloism was a huge success because it turns out that going belly up in the cold antartic waters is a good thing unlike going belly up in the IWO."

Pengler "Cherp."

Penguin Leader "We have also heard of a George Franklin colony set up somewhere in the Sahara Desert and a Zoey plantation in the most barren and desolate place on Earth, Alabama, the home of Andrew and the only place so tolerant of ignorance that it can house both of them."

{Fades back to Kestler...}

Kestler "Man, being a penguin is weird. I wonder what would happen if I suddenly grew armor and guns..."

{Fades back to Pengler now with armor and guns...}

Pengler "I come in my heavy armor and guns seeking peace and prosperity."

Penguin Leader "Never! Not in Joe Mielo country! We will fight for our savior!"

Pengler "Then prepare to eat gun!"

{Pengler starts throwing guns at the penguins. They become entranced by how shiny they are and therefore Rob Pengler excapes unharmed. Fade back to Kestler...}

Kestler "Man, sometimes I just really wonder way too much."

{Fades out to Rob Pengler fighting the Joe Mielo penguin army.}