Chad's Utopia . Com - Rob Kestler Vs The Light Demon - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Rob Kestler Vs The Light Demon
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Tuesday, August 13th 2002 11:21 PM
Written: Saturday, November 25th 2000

{Scene fades into Rob Kestler sitting in the lotus position in his dressing closet in an undisclosed IWO arena. He is watching some of the latest High Flyer promos...}

Kestler "Flyer in bed with a woman.....he's talking....blah blah blah....fast forward."

{Rob Kestler somehow fast forwards Channel X and you hear High Flyer say "Mooo..."}

Kestler "Oh, so you want to play it like that huh? I thought I knew you but then you had to go and cohort with the evil light demon."

{Cassie walks into the room...}

Cassie "What's all the fuss about."

Kestler "Sorry Cassie, but I cannot involve you in the matter for it is much too dangerous!"

Cassie "What matter?"

Kestler "High Flyer, an IWO wrestler has made mention of the evil light demon!"

Cassie "Really? When?"

Kestler "Just now! Watch!"

{Kestler somehow replays channel X and High Flyer saying "Moo..."}

Cassie "So poopykins! All he said was moo! He was just being all silly willy nilly."

Kestler "Cassie, there is no silly about the light demon. I must go."

Cassie "Well, if you're going to go then you need to wear your golashes and take a lunch."

Kestler "Buuuuuuuuut Cassssssie!"

Cassie "No buts! You can't be going hungry and getting foot worms or whatever else inhabits the outside world."

Kestler "Fine!"

{Cassie puts Golashes on Rob and hands him his lunch in a Smurfs lunch pail. Rob gets up and goes off to fight the light monster...}

Cassie "Be careful sillykins!"

Kestler "Don't worry, I've fought many epics battles before."

{Fades to when Kestler fought the green horde along with Chris Davidson as members of the elite super hero squad known as H.O.M.O.S. (Heroes Organized to Maintain Order in Society). Fades back to Kestler leaving and playing in the mud outside of the arena...}

Kestler "No! I can't be distracted by such enticing matters! I must make my way to the light demon and destroy him!"

{Fades to black and the words "14 hours later..." Kestler is now climbing the highest peak in the world....that he knows of, which is Psycho Jay's house in Philly...}

Kestler "No matter where you might be hiding, I'll find you light demon! No one escapes!"

{cuts to Psycho Jay in his house reading the combined works of Shakespeare followed up by "A Tale of Two Cities." Ah, who am I kidding, he's getting head from porn star Stacy Valentine and walking to famed porn star Peter North...}

Psycho Jay "So how is work coming along on the Epic porn now that they're adding in additional scenes despite the early rumor that it was going to be heavily sensored."

Famed Porn Star Peter North "They're going pretty well. You know, making an epic anything is really a strain on a person. And this porno really is no exception. My loins are really being put to the test."

Psycho Jay "Oh, but I know that your loins will make it through and on to great success."

Famed Porn Star Peter North "You mean that in a completely heterosexual way of course."

Psycho Jay "Of course! It's not like my name rhymes with homosexual, we'll leave that up to Unilateral Kain."

{Scene cuts to a midget Evan Levine making fun of a midget Unilateral Kain because Unilateral kind of in a very un rhyming way rhymes with homosexual therefore making him homosexual...}

Evan LEvine "C! U R aye homeohsect-U-ale! Haw haw! Oonoleterel rimes width homeohsect-U-ale sew U R aye homeohsect-U-ale!"

Unilateral Kain "But what about my first cousin twice removed Homosexual Kain?"

{Homosexual Kain walks in wearing a thong and a WHAM! concert shirt...}

Homosexual Kain "When George Michael left WHAM! I cried for like a million bajillion minutes. It was like the saddest thing to happen to music since heterosexuality."

Evan Levine "Wat es UR paoint? U R gae sew deel withe et!"

{Unilateral Kain runs away in tears...}

Evan Levine "Daym Poossies."

Homosexual Kain "Hey! You're cute!"

Evan Levine "Y, Thanek U. U=Cuut 2."

Homosexual Kain :-)

Evan Levine -:)

Homosexual Kain "What was that?"

Evan Levine "Et waz aye smyl!"

Homosexual Kain 8=======D 0-:

Evan Levine "Yaye!"

{Scene cuts back to Psycho Jay and Famed Porn Star Peter North...}

Famed Porn Star Peter North "Hey, what's all of that noise?"

Psycho Jay "I swear to Javhova, if it's girl scouts one more time I'll just go crazy."

{Psycho Jay walks outside and sees Kestler jumping around on his roof trying to grab the sun...}

Psycho JAy "What the hell are you doing?"

Kestler "I'm fighting the light demon! He shall not prevail!"

Psycho Jay "No, you're jumping on my house trying to grab the sun and it makes you look like an idiot."

Kestler "So?"

Psycho Jay "So, I'm thristy and we're all out of my favorite thirst quenching beverage."

Kestler "Straight ether?"

Psycho Jay "Dude, you're thinking of Caren Dudley."

Kestler "My bad."

Psycho JAy "Just go to the local 7-11 that I used to work at while I was champion the first time and lived in a drunken stupor."

Kestler "Ok."

Psycho Jay "Just ask for my favorite beverage and they'll give it to ya. I know the clerk there well."

Kestler "Derp."

{Rob Kestler falls off of the roof and makes his way to the 7-11. Rob Kestler walks up to the Hindu who is working the register...}

Kestler "Hello, I'm looking for Psycho Jay's favorite beverage."

Clerk "Oh golly, I do not know if we have any left. Please check and see."

{Rob Kestler looks around aimlessly...}

Kestler "Nope, nothing around here is labeled 'Jay's favorite beverage.'"

Clerk "Holy Shit. If I don't have his favorite beverage then he will kill me!"

KEstler "Jay wouldn't do something like that."

{Scene cuts to Psycho Jay killing random people...}

Clerk "Oh Mr. Psycho Jay...When he's happy he's happy... but when he's mad....he will kill ya!"

Kestler "It's alright, I'm sure Jay will understand. I'll just bring him some milk. Cassie says it's made from cows."

Clerk "Oh golly, Psycho Jay is going to urinate on me like there is no tomorrow."

{Kestler buys the milk and power skips back to Psycho Jay's house...}

Kestler "Here you go Jay..."

{Psycho Jay takes a big gulp of the milk...}

Psycho Jay "What the shit is this?"

Kestler "Milk. It's made from cows."

Psycho Jay "Why didn't you get my favorite beverage?"

Kestler "They were all out."

Psycho Jay "Ok, I have a rational way of solving this."

{Psycho JAy gets up and leaves to go kill the clerk...}

Kestler "That silly guy, probably going to go and do yard work."

{Fades to Psycho Jay humping the clerks head before he kills him.}