The Last Eskimo by: Chad Wagner Posted on: Tuesday, August 13th 2002 11:30 PM Written: Thursday, January 25th 2001 {Scene fades into The Last Eskimo wearing a parka, huge pink fuzzy mittens, polyester green snow pants and huge boots. He is standing in the middle of a freeway in California. A car buzzes by The Last Eskimo...} TLE "Damn you white man! First you take away my land and then when I try to take it back you try to hit me with your iron horse! I would spit on you but my saliva would freeze instantly in this arctic weather!" {The Last Eskimo sees white people enjoying themselves on "his land." A single tear rolls down his cheek...} TLE "Something must be done!" {The Last Eskimo goes to a newspaper...} TLE "Hello white man." man "Yes, how can I help you." TLE "I would like to put out a personal ad. It shall read, 'Due to the racial genocide put forth by the white man in my homeland I need to seek partner ship. SLEM, non-smoker, likes long walks on the frozen tundra, fish, and doesn't like the white man. Seeks female for fun and procreation.'" man "That seems long for a personal ad." TLE "Just do it white man! You owe me and my species!" Man "Whatever. I'll give it to our spell checker." {Man hands the personal ad to a penguin dressed like Evan Levine who can talk...} Evan Penguin "Watt em eye subpost 2 due wit dis?" Man "Check it for spelling errors." Evan Penguin "Phuc U!" TLE "Now I must go and carry on my good mission!" {The Last Eskimo leaves. Rob Kestler walks by...} Kestler "Derp." {Fade.}