Eskithrax by: Chad Wagner & Garth Thompson Posted on: Sunday, December 31st 2006 11:50 AM Written: Friday, July 4th 2003 {The last eskimo is standing on a clover-leaf turnpike in the middle of New Jersey. A car speeds by and throws a can of RC cola out. TLE walks up and picks up the can. A single tear falls from his eye.} TLE "Damn the white man. First he pollutes the natural asphalt environment with his stolen aluminum and then he brags about his riches on the can by stating that he wears a royal crown. Something must be done." {Cut back to TLE in the soverign nation of Eskimo, Alaska aka the abandoned floating oil rig that the government gave him out of pity.} TLE "I wonder what the stupidest of white men is doing right at this moment." {Cut to Rob Kestler sitting on a mound of corn flakes while Vagrond is drinking heavily while manuevering around a playground on a Segway Personal Transporter.} Rob Kestler "I wonder what my super friend Ben Archer is doing right at this very moment!" {Cut to a tattered picture of Ben Archer laying in a public dumping ground. Cut back to Rob Kestler.} Rob Kestler "I think that I should do something interesting right about now. Just a matter of thinking of something interesting to do." {Rob Kestler thinks for a little while. He picks up the phone...} Rob Kestler "Hello, Thomas Ford? I have bombed your entire family. Have a good day." {Cut to Thomas Ford, a gay rights leader and not the leader of the IWO...} Thomas Ford "EVERY FREAKIN' DAY!!! Oh well, at least I'm a respected gay rights leader and not the leader of the IWO." {Back to Rob Kestler, being trascendental. Vagrond runs into a child at full speed, killing it splendidly. CUT BACK TO THE LAST ESKIMO!} TLE "So that's what he's doing. Though I feel no better for this knowledge. Now to let the white man feel my wrath. I will begin with a letter writing campaign." {TLE pulls an octopus out of the water and then uses its ink to write messily.} TLE "I must be strong and firm in my stance against the white devils." {TLE writes "DEATH TO AMERICA"} TLE "Hmmm, however there are fool white men in many other countries also. I will demonstrate this by picking a country at random." {TLE spins a globe around and picks a country. "DEATH TO ISRAEL" he writes.} TLE "Perhaps I have been a bit too harsh. I will show them my favor by writing praise for one of their false white deities." {TLE goes to his bookshelf and picks out a book titled "False White Deity Handbook". He picks the first name and writes "PRAISE ALLAH."} TLE "Now, rather than sign it I will include a signature feature of the Antarctic. However regular snow would melt so I will include some of this un-meltable substitute snow that the US government has kindly provided me with." {TLE walks up to a giant barrel labelled "biohazard" and "certain death". He then takes some of the "snow" out of it, holding it in his gloves that he uses to handle all fool white objects, and shoves it into the letter.} TLE "Now, I will send it to senators of the US as they know how to deal with mouthy interns and such." {TLE mails his letter to the US senate. Cut to 2 years later in 2003. TLE is still sitting in the same place as 2 years ago.} TLE "How long does it take the white man to respond to a simple letter? They ignore me even when I praise their false white diety? This I think will call for drastic measures." {TLE sqeezes the last ink out of the octopus from 2 years ago onto a quill made out of poached seal bone.} TLE "Who to write this letter to...I know, their appointed dictator." {TLE writes "Dear Bush Jr. DEATH TO AMERICA! PRAISE PALESTINE! ALLAH 4 EVA! Sincerely, TLE"} TLE "There, I even used some of their white jargin. If I don't get a response now then I will have to use more blunt terminology." {TLE grabs his spear and waits. Cut to Rob Kestler.} Rob Kestler "DERP!" {FIN}