Eskimore by: Garth Thompson Posted on: Saturday, October 25th 2003 2:51 PM Written: Saturday, October 25th 2003 {Open to Abd Abdul Abl-allah talking to his assistant in Palestine AHEM colonial Israel) AAA "What? How can there be no new recruits for suicide bombing missions?" Assistant "You know that part in the Koran where it says you can't kill innocent people, and that other part where it says you can't commit suicide, well one day..." AAA "Enough! Damn, are they still reading that? According to that book you can't even use condoms and shit." Assistant "I think so, anyway, how about instead of strapping our large supply of explosives to our own soldiers and occationally killing a few Israeli civilians but no soldiers, we just buy some of those rockets that they sell on the HSN and..." AAA "Fool! Those Home Shopping Network rockets cost literally tens of dollars! And we have soldiers here for free that we can strap explosives to, also free. And yes I know that HSN is offering a 100% rebate but damn, you know how long those things take, and all that paperwork." Assistant "But what about all these guns that we have, why not give them to our soldiers so that they have something to use in battle instead of throwing rocks..." AAA "NO! We need those guns to ship to our comrades in Iraq and Afghanistan fighting the American menace. We'll show those bastards for referring to the "State" of Palestine, we're a "Province" Allah damn it. And as for our own soldiers, the only reason they haven't been able to use those rocks to defeat the massive tanks and nuclear warheads of the Israelis is because they don't have the love of Mecca in their hearts, there I said it. No, no, no, what we need to do is recruit somebody who is litterally SO stupid that they don't think that detonating 100 pounds of dynamite in a crowded Perkins will kill anyone. Someone SO dumb that they don't see the harm in that at all..." {Just then they look out the window. The Last Eskimo is there, poking a Palestinian with a penguin.} TLE "Give me back my land strangely well armed white man." Palestinian "Khalid mu-haned hhhhzat?" (Translation: Aren't you awfully hot in that parka?) TLE "Fool cracker, speak the ancient language invented by the Eskimo, English." {AAA rubs his hands together.} AAA "Good, good!" Assistant "Say why are we, when talking to each other, both Palestinians, speaking English." AAA >:-X Assistant "Okay, okay, I'll bring him in." {The assistant walks outside and grabs TLE's arm and drags him into the room, all the while TLE is vigorously hitting him with the comatose penguin.} AAA "Why hello Mister..." TLE "Ikyanook, it's a native Inuit word that means 'Brotha whose glock puts a cap in tha ass of the white man' translated into Ebonics which is what I assume you speak because you are one of those dark skinned white men." AAA "Whatever, anyway, how'd you like to take this, uh, present, into a crowded day-care center in downtown Israel and then press this button?" {AAA hands TLE a metal box labelled "la bamba" with a large red button on the top. Assistant "You're crazy!" AAA (Whispering to Assitant) "No, this is just the ticket we need! Killing dozens of innocent children is sure to make the UN feel sorry for us and send us lots of aid, I'm certain of it!" TLE "What's in it for me land stealer? You already stole my land..." AAA "Uh, sure, whatever, but now Israel stole it back from us and we've agreed that if you take care of Israel for us then you can have it back!" TLE "What about the land that you are standing on RIGHT NOW?!?" Assistant "Well given Israel's policy of 'Takes A Holocaust To Know A Holocaust' I'm sure we'll be off this land too soon... {AAA jabs him in the stomach.} Assistant "OOF!" TLE "Very well, but only if you get off my land RIGHT NOW!" {AAA and the Assistant look confused, but then both jump atop AAA's desk.} TLE "That's better." {TLE leaves and heads towards the Israel-Palestine "I Can't Belive it's Not a Country"'s Border where two Israeli armed guards are...guarding.} Guard #1 "Did you hear? The Palestinians just discovered a new supply of rocks! They're armed to the teeth! To counter this menace our government is adding a squad of nuclear-powered giant fighting robots to our 475th tank batallion." Guard #2 "Say Piter, why aren't we speaking Hebrew or Israel or Yiddish or whatever our native language is?" Guard #1 "Oy vey! Holy chutzpah! Mitzvah and such." {TLE walks up to them.} Guard #1 "Halt! Why do you want to enter Israel?" {TLE is holding a penguin in one hand, a spear in the other, and is wearing his full parka, which has a large square bulge coming out where he "hid" the box.} TLE "Give me my land back." Guard #1 "Yeah, like YOU'RE getting in here." {TLE turns around angrily.} TLE "I have been a fool! I should have known that white lips speak only lies...or red lips, whatever color lips are displayed on the conniving white man's face!" {TLE throws the box into the air. Meanwhile AAA and his assistant are standing completely motionless from when we saw them before. Suddenly the box smashes through their roof and lands, button down! They both gasp in fear, until the box opens and there was nothing inside besides a "Big Mac."} Assistant "What?!?" AAA "Oh yeah, our plan was to make the Israelis overweight to kill them with heart attacks and cholesterol." Assistant "With only one big Mac?" AAA "No, you don't understand, I read about a lawsuit in the USA that said they were addictive..." {Suddenly the ground rumbles.} AAA "What the fuck?" {The floor inside the building splits open and thousands of Tom Green clones burst out.} Tom Green Clones (Chanting in terrifying unison) "Drew, how could you dump us!" {The Green Horde begins devouring the building and the sand outside and all the...well there's not much else in Palestine to devour. AAA is cornered.} AAA "Why did this have to happen to such a good person as myself!" {The Green Horde devours him and the rest of western Asia while The Last Eskimo blindly heads east. Cut to deep outer space.} Kestler "I wish RPs in my section on this website starred me more often ;-(" TO BE KONKLUDED!