The Plot Thickens by: Garth Thompson Posted on: Monday, June 17th 2002 3:29 PM Written: Sunday, November 11th 2001 (Fade in to a view of Plandeux's evil base. Plandeux is sitting on a giant throne made out of what appears to be the original cast of "Eight is Enough" frozen in wax. On one side stands the zombified Michael Jordan and on the other side stands the evil Gloatation Slovonewton. David Bowie, wearing a business suit made out of tin foil with a space helmet walks in.) Bowie - Greetings my dark master. Plandeux - FOOL! Where is he?!? Bowie - I..I.. Plandeux - You don't have him do you? Bowie - Look, that giant lizard pixie thing was very hard to find...he's not even with Kestler anymore... Plandeux - FOOL! I don't need excuses! What I need is to watch someone die! (Plandeux presses a button on his throne, suddenly music is heard from the inside of Bowie's helmet.) Music - All we need is music, sweet music There'll be music everywhere They'll be swinging, swaying, records playing, Dancing in the street, oh Bowie - AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (Bowie's head explodes inside the helmet and his body slumps to the floor.) Gloatation Slovonewton - Geh, uh, :-(, heh, what did you do that for, geh, unh, now we need to build him a new head. Plandeux - You want a piece of this ?!? (Points menacingly at the button.) Gloatation Slovonewton - Geh, unh, no, unh. Plandeux - I thought so. But for me to wreak true vengeance upon Kestler I must have the most powerful weapon known to man ; VAGROND! (The zombified Michael Jordan appears to begin to say something, then his control collar delivers a shock and he hunches over and rubs his hands together in the typical evil pose.) Zombo Jordan - Good, gooood! (Suddenly a massive television screen lowers and turns on. The SMO (Supreme Moon Overlord for you non-technicals) appears in a shot that is very dark and filmed from about his chest pointing up to make him look very big and menacing.) Plandeux - Greetings generous benefactor. SMO - Bad news, Plandeux. The United States contacted me. Apparently instead of merely accepting my claim that I had you tied up real good, they now say that they will not only declare war on gaseous alien beings, but also on the evil moon-based empires that harbor them. Plandeux - What does this mean? SMO - It means that they will attack my moon-slaves, and make them even more wretched than they are now! Exactly as I like them! Plandeux - Mu hu ha ha ha ha! SMO - Mu hu ha ha ha ha HA!! >:-) ! (Zoom out to reveal that what was just being shown was on a TV screen. The TV screen was suspended over a hospital bed, in which David Faustino, in a full body cast, is lying with the remote. He turns the television set off.) Faustino - Oh what danger this way brings...methinks... (Suddenly another hospital bed is wheeled in with a dude on it with a broken leg.) Dude - Whoa, I can't believe I get to stay in the hospital next to Bud Bundy. Faustino - I have a name you know. Dude - Yeah, I know, it's Bud Bundy. Hey how did you get into these casts? Having wild sex with Christina Applegate. Faustino - She played my sister on the show so that's disgusting! Dude - Not for me, I'm from (his lips say Alabama but a loud male voice says) Afghanistan. Faustino - No, I got in here when I was attacked by the Green Horde. I was able to save myself by pretending to be one of them by stupidly hitting myself with a baseball bat, however I injured myself enough so I ended up here. (David Faustino motions for the dude to come closer and then whispers.) Faustino - I'm really fine by now, but the evil space being Plandeux got the HMO to keep me here after I got better so that they could continue to defraud my insurance company. You see, he doesn't want me to help Kestler and Vagrond... Dude - What's a vagrond? Faustino - WHAT? How can you not know about the greatest giant space lizard ever to produce a major motion picture? (Note to readers:Godzilla doesn't count as major or from space.) I was going to ask you to help me but obviously, I need to help you first. (Faustino, with much difficulty because he's in a full body cast, hits the play button on the remote. The camera zooms in on the TV set.) (Scenes of various downtown projects are shown, and happy music is playing. Text is shown on the screen;) JULiUS iRViNG (The i's in his name are dotted with basketballs) AND TIMOTHY VANGROND (This name is in very hippie-flowery text) IN (Suddenly the music gets dark and ominous) VAGROND & DOOBIE'S PSYCHEDELIC ADVENTURE 3: DAHS BRAHNKS EN RUMBLE ("Heart of Glass" by Blondie now plays as various shots go into a high rise apartment in Coney Island, New York. Inside the apartment, which is filthy, Vagrond, who is wearing bell-bottomed jeans and a psychedelic vest, and Dr. J c.1974, complete with Afro, are playing PONG.) Vagrond - Well, it's no hyper-galactic space war, man. Dr. J - Hey big V don't get down on the game, I think it's great if that's all the same. (The door opens and an overweight Irish police officer comes in.) Vagrond - Doobie, it's the fuzz! Dr. J - No way it's Old Green Peats, a cop you can dig, I guarantee it brother, he ain't no pig. Vagrond - Still looks a little porky around the belly. Luckily I'm on a diet. Old Green Peats - It's nice to see ye boys again. I just came by to see what blarney you were a-getting yeselves into. Dr. J - It's Pong, uh ding dong. Vagrond - Yes, but's a little primitive for my tastes. Maybe we can supercharge it somehow... Dr. J - My '74 Caprice Classic is built for speed. Get some cables, it's got what you need. (Scene change to the inside of a large parking garage that looks a lot more like somewhere in Hollywood than anywhere in the New York projects. The PONG game is open and the inside looks like a panel from Star Trek. It's hooked up with jumper cables to the battery of Doobie's 1974 Caprice Classic. Vagrond and Dr. J are there, Old Green Peats is gone. Vagrond is holding a manual outside the car, Doobie is in the driver's seat.) Vagrond - The game's creator, Jamie Kosoy, don't say nothing about this in the manual. But crank it up, Doobie! (Doobie hits the gas. Suddenly the whole car is surrounded by animated sparkles and disappears. And not a good disappears like in a modern TV show, a "Bewitched" type disappears. Scene change to Doobie and Vagrond, along with the car, travelling through time. Incidentally time looks like a bluescreen of a bunch of paints going down a sink.) Dr. J - I think that man should never see, A time traveler the likes of me! Vagrond - Bin der, dun dat. (Suddenly Vagrond and Dr. J appear in a city, which looks pretty much like the one they just left, except everything is in black and white.) Vagrond - I wonder what time period we landed in? (Suddenly a paperboy rides by on a bicycle and throws a paper down right in front of Vagrond. The headline reads, "WORLD WAR II BREAKS OUT". Suddenly a bunch of people walk into the area. They are holding signs that read "STOP THE WAR", "PEACE NOW" and "ATTRITION NOW/PEACE LATER".) Anti-war protesters - Stop the attack, stop the attack! Dr. J - Hitler's evil, yes that's right So why do you guys not go fight? Anti-war protester - The bombs in Germany are killing innocent people! Vagrond - What, and the Nazi's aren't? Another anti-war protester - We should mind our own business. Vagrond - What, and Hawaii is no longer in the US? Are you guys white-supremacists or something? Dr. J - Maybe I shouldn't say this aloud, But I don't see no brothers in this crowd. Yet another anti-war protester (YAAWP) - We want to create a lasting peace. Vagrond - Oh, you want a piece alright... (Vagrond punches the YAAWP in the stomach, sending him flying back knocking over five other YAAWP's. Dr. J jumps into the air, remains suspended for a moment, then kicks one YAAWP in the face, does a handstand on another's head, and hits another one in the face with both of his feet. The YAAWP's encircle Vagrond, but he knocks them all down with his tail. Dr. J does a somersault off Vagrond's right hand and head butts the last YAAWP standing. The YAAWP's are all laying on the ground moaning as Dr. J and Vagrond survey the scene.) Vagrond - They got what they deserved. W-W-2 wasn't like Vietnam, in it we were on the side of the ones trying to STOP the genocide. (Vagrond walks up to a YAAWP and rips off his sleeve. Underneath it is a gray sleeve with the swastika armband.) Dr. J - Now that the sleeve is gone, We see who's side you is on. (Vagrond slaps the Nazi awake very lightly.) Vagrond - What are the Nazi's doing in New York? Tell me! Nazi - Heh, heh, you is going down yanqui! (The Nazi then falls unconscious. Vagrond rummages through his pockets and produces a piece of paper.) Vagrond - It's a claim ticket. Let's go down to the docks and see what these Nazi's were picking up, but first we need to do something about these protesters. (Suddenly a young Irish police officer walks in) Dr. J - Well ain't that neat, It's old, I mean young Green Peats. Young Green Peats - I'll take care of these guys. If you two are the time-travelling superheroes you appear to be, you'd better get moving. (Cut to a scene of a 1974 Caprice Classic driving through the countryside since obviously there is a lot of countryside between the buildings in New York and the ocean. This shot was in color but the next shot back to black and white, and shows the car, inside a warehouse, driving forward and stopping. Vagrond and Dr. J get out.) Vagrond - Where is everybody? Dr. J - This may be a miss, But I've got a bad feeling about this. (Suddenly a large crate in the back explodes, and a ten-foot tall, nine-foot wide Nazi Superman emerges wearing a green hat, leiderhosen, and a Nazi vest. He bashes his fists together.) Nazi Superman - Lassen Sie, daß uns es auf erhalten! (Subtitle reads:Let's get it on!) Vagrond - Oh no, it's a Satan-powered Nazi experiment! (The Nazi Superman attacks Vagrond, first punching him and sending the giant lizard flying backwards into a wall, then by picking him up and throwing him into another wall which creates a large dent. Dr. J uses his power of flight to jump atop the Nazi Superman's shoulders and starts punching him repeatedly, but the brute shrugs it off and simply lifts up his left hand and knocks Dr. J off. Vagrond gets up but the Nazi lands a powerful kick on the five-foot-600-pound lizard, knocking him down again.) Vagrond - Damn! This skinhead is helluva tough, BUT HE AIN'T AS TOUGH AS MR. V! (Vagrond springs into action and punches the Nazi Superman in the stomach very quickly twice, sending him reeling back. The Nazi Superman tries to fight back, but Vagrond very quickly attacks, slashing him with the claws on his hands and feet alike. Vagrond then picks up the now bloodied Nazi and lifts him into the air, impressive given that the Nazi is roughly four times Vagrond's size.) Vagrond - It's the end of the road, Suckah! (Vagrond throws the Nazi Superman, who smahes into a wall sending bricks flying. The Nazi Superman gets up and begins cowardly running away.) Vagrond - I thought you "religous" warriors were fearless! Hey Doobie, give him a taste of what all them Nordics are gonna get in the next Olympics! (The Nazi runs, very, very fast, but Dr. J runs after him and catches up easily, somersaults over his head and lands a nasty kick right between the eyes. The Nazi Superman grips his eyes and turns around.) Nazi Superman - Besiegt durch einen Neger, un-unmöglich! (No subtitles this time.) (The Nazi Superman takes his hands off his eyes, right in time for Vagrond to land a punch in the face. The punch knocks the Nazi Superman's head clean off, and Dr. J grabs it, and does a jump shot. The head is then shown flying through a window in the statue of liberty.) Dr. J - Man, am I phat! Let's see O'Neil make a shot like that! Vagrond - Hey, he was only five when this movie was made! (Vagrond and Dr. J both laugh heartily and give each other a high five. The text then appears on-screen) THE END ©1974 A HAMMER FILM PRODUCTiON (The i is dotted with a basketball) (The camera then zooms out to show the hospital again. David Faustino, with a considerable amount of moaning, hits the stop button. The dude has a perplexed look on his face.) Dude - OK, granted that this movie was probably the best thing to come out of the 1970's, but it still wasn't good enough to make me want to help you. Faustino - Very well. You leave me no choice. (David Faustino his a button on his remote and a stereo sitting atop the television set plays music.) David Bowie (music on stereo) - Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim Though nothing, nothing will keep us together We can beat them, for ever and ever Oh we can be Heroes, just for one day (The dude clutches his ears.) Dude - No, noooo! I'll do whatever you say! David Faustino - I pity the fool that messes with David Faustino. (Suddenly, it becomes clear what we were watching was on the giant television screen in Plandeux's lair shown earlier. Zoom out from this to show Plandeux.) Plandeux - And I just pity David Faustino! (Maniacal laughter.) (Suddenly, it becomes apparant that what we were watching was on a television set on a bail of hay in Cassie's parents' farm. Zoom out to show Rob and Cassie sitting on another bail of hay.) Kestler - Say, Cassie-wassie, do you think that my RP's are getting too long, pointless and convoluted? Cassie - You're not supposed to say RP you sillie willie! (Cut to a black screen that says "To Be Continued?")