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Teve Tobs Slays a Mighty Foe
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Wednesday, April 27th 2005 10:57 PM
Written: Wednesday, April 27th 2005



{Scene opens to Teve Tobs at a Florida Gators LaCrosse game. Fetus Boy's wheelchair sits awkwardly on the 2 seats next to Tobs. Like most LaCrosse games a massive fight has broken out.}

Tobs "Yeah, I know Fetus Boy, I wish I wasn't on call so I could join in down there. But I am a guardian of human hope and decency so I need to be ever vigilant."

Fetus Boy "...gasp...I smell ketchup...are you sure that they don't sell food at sporting events Mr. Tobs?"

Tobs "Ever vigilant!"

Fetus Boy "...lacking basic essential nutrients..."

Tobs "Ever vigilant?"

{The man whose seat is in front of Tobs turns around angrily.}

Man "For god's sake will you stop saying that! Every 30 seconds or so for the last hour I've had to listen to you..."

{Tobs notices something.}

Tobs "Why thank you, kind sir, for pointing out that my target has entered the building."

Man "What the hell are you talking about?"

Fetus Boy "...er...something to do with bone marrow I hope..."

{Fetus Boy enters his happiest state, unconsciousness, as Tobs jumps down onto the field. Across the field his target becomes apparent...the Florida Gators Gator.}

Tobs "EX HUMANIS VICORIOUS OVER STUPIDOUS LIZARDOUS THINGUS GAYUS!"

{Tobs pulls back his fist and runs full speed towards the Gator. Of course he's on the opposite side of the field so the gator becomes fully aware of Tobs' running and screaming. Already on guard as this is a LaCrosse game and not some wussy Hockey match or public execution, the Gator runs away long before Tobs reaches where he was. By now Tobs is on his knees and panting.}

Tobs "Damn stupid lizard won't stay still and let me kill it like a man. But it's not a man, it's a damn stupid lizard that won't stay still and let me kill it like a man. But it's not a man..."

{One of the cheerleaders turns to Tobs.}

Cheerleader "Hey, aren't you that one insane CEO guy? It's hard to tell under that hockey mask. But if you are and you make over 10 million a year can I date you? That's why I became a cheerleader."

{Tobs is nervous but then pulls himself together.}

Tobs "Heh heh...why would you think a great wrestler like the great wrestler Teve Tobs is a CEO? I, the great wrestler Teve Tobs, am a wrestler. And great wrestlers such as myself don't date women, they get head from them, so get down on your knees..."

{The cheerleader pulls out her mace and sprays Tobs in the face with it. He falls backwards screaming.}

Tobs "YOU'RE NO WOMAN! YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE STUPID LIZARD THINGS THAT CAN SPIT ACIDIC POISIONOUS POISON ACID LIKE IN THAT PORNO MOVIE JUR-ASS-IC PORK!!!! AND EVEN THOUGH I GAVE YOU MY BUSINESS AT YOUR PORN SHOP DON'T THINK THAT IT MEANS THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT YOUR MONEY KESTLER!!!"

Cheerleader "Wow, you screamed so long the mace wore off."

{The cheerleader sprays Tobs in the face with mace again.}

Tobs "YOU'RE NO WOMAN! YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE STUPID LIZARD THINGS THAT CAN SPIT ACIDIC POISIONOUS POISON ACID LIKE IN THAT PORNO MOVIE JUR-ASS-IC PORK!!!! AND EVEN THOUGH I GAVE YOU MY BUSINESS AT YOUR PORN SHOP DON'T THINK THAT IT MEANS THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT YOUR MONEY KESTLER!!!"

Cheerleader "Holy fuck you got that like word-for-word the second time."

{The cheerleader sprays Tobs in the face for a third time.}

Tobs "YOU'RE NO WOMAN! YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE STUPID..."

{The cheerleader knees him in the stomach. As he gets up slowly blinking through 3 coats of mace, he notices that the Gator mascot has crept back into the building and he out his war cry.}

Tobs "EX HUMANIS VICTORYLOUS OF something, wait, what did I say before? Man, sometimes being repetitive is hard."

{The Gator starts running away again.}

Tobs "Fool, you think a cold blooded reptul such as yourself can outrun a hot blooded mammool like me?"

{Tobs takes off his left shoe and throws it at The Gator. The Gator barely notices since it misses but Tobs seems very satisfied.}

Tobs "Another day, another murderous, midget-eating magical pixie murdered off the face of the earth. That fool actually thought that a cold blooded reptul could outrun a hot blooded mammool."

{Suddenly the PA system is heard.}

PA System "Would the parents or guardians of 'Fleetus Bay' please report to the stadium hospital immediately."

Tobs "INSTANT TRANSMISSION!"

{Tobs brings two fingers from his right hand to his head...then slowly walks to the stadium hospital. Nurses and doctors scramble frantically around Fetus Boy who is splayed over a hospital bed in a position impossible for people with 'real' bones to imitate.}

Nurse "Sir, what took you so long to get here..."

Tobs "Thanks for the complement on my getting here fast. I used the magical powers that are the hallmark of my great Tobs lineage which are so much cooler than the mere psychic powers displayed by Rob Kestler. And I totally know where that guy got his money."

Doctor "I have bad news Mr. Bay, your son is dead."

Tobs "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. And please don't insult the DNA of the great Tobs lineage by calling him my son."

Doctor "What?"

Tobs "Despite his inferior DNA and 'bone' structure..."

{Tobs makes 'air quotes' when saying 'bone'.}

Tobs "...he's still going to be teh nexxt0r IWO CHAMPION!!!"

Doctor "I don't think you understand, he's dead."

Tobs "If I had a nickel..."

{Tobs walks over to the defibrillator and pulls the pads off it so it's just the bare wires. He then sticks them into Fetus Boy's ears and cranks up the juice. The medical staff watches in horror for 5 minutes but eventually Fetus Boy does come back to life looks at the doctors.}

Fetus Boy "For shame you people, thinking I'm dead. Haven't you ever seen 'Excel Saga'?"

Tobs "You're right Fetus Boy, you will excel and the story of me training you is a saga..."

Fetus Boy "Do you ever listen to anything anyone says ever?"

Tobs "I was listening to you, they thought you were dead. Heard it all before. Can you believe that one time some idiots were going to bury you?"

Fetus Boy "I remember that because you repeat that story to me every hour on the hour."

Tobs "It was a cold June evening. Snow lightly dusted the ground as I got head from 1,000,000 supermodels and the cast of 'Desperate Housewives' in rapid succession. Suddenly a shot rang out..."

{Fade as the camera man falls asleep, bumping the "fade" button.}