Chad's Utopia . Com - Eskinsult - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Eskinsult
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Saturday, January 21st 2006 1:34 PM
Written: Friday, April 29th 2005

{The Last Eskimo sits watching TV in the captial of the independant state of Eskimo, Alaska, a.k.a. his couch on a floating oil rig. The head of the World Trade Organization is talking on the TV.}

WTO Head "...and certainly no one country can lay claim to the entire world..."

TLE "Fool white woman, has her white race has already forgotten the once great nation of the Eskimo. First they steal our land and now they deny it ever was ours? Something must be done."

{TLE duct tapes 2 penguins into a makeshift boat, then gets on them and uses a third penguin as an oar to paddle away. The scene changes to the outside of a WTO building in Seattle. TLE is repeatedly throwing his spear without much success at the stone building.}

TLE "Die, stone gargoyle of the white man!"

{Behind TLE Steve and Stevette the generic college students are walking by, holding protest signs.}

Steve "Well, now that we put that Terry Terri Schiavo bitch on ice, where do you want to go protest next?"

Stevette "There's that anti-death penalty rally..."

Steve "Nah, to tell the truth I prefer liberal causes that kill things rather than save them. How about we go anti-protest that Pro-Life protest? Or, on a different note, how about we make people aware that McDonald's food isn't healthy. I'm sure that only highly educated people like us know that so the rest of the public needs to be informed."

Stevette "Hey what's that?"

{She points to TLE.}

Steve "It's a dienfranchised member of the native populations! Hey, native son of this land, were you harmed by the WTO?"

TLE "What would you know of hurt, white man? Come back to me when your people are slaughtered by the greed and selfishness of the white man. And then I will laugh as that time the white man will have done it to himself."

Stevette "Whoa, that's deep."

Steve "We must help you get revenge on that evil corporation! The WTO brings money and jobs to third-world countries, sure it halves the starvation rates and brings quality of life there closer to that in America, but at what cost? Their pride, and if you ask me, that's TOO HIGH A PRICE!"

TLE "What would the white man know of pride? I won't talk to you while you continue to stand on my land."

Steve "I don't see how I can NOT stand on your land..."

TLE "Ugh, the white man is as foolish as he is cruel. Follow me."

{Scene change to later where Steve and Stevette are now standing on a park bench so that are no longer technically on TLE's "land".}

Steve "Now tell me noble warrior, how the WTO hurt your people?"

TLE "Enough with your insults whitey!!!"

{TLE raises his spear to frightened Steve's neck.}

Steve "What did I say?!?!"

TLE "You suggested that the pain of the Eskimo people could be expressed by mere words! You can only even get a tiny taste of it with the psychodrama machine!"

{TLE pulls a wooden box out of his parka, decreasing the size of his parka only slightly. The box is painted with symbols of caribou and bears.}

Steve "Oh, I see it's a ritual of his native religeon."

Stevette "But I thought you were an atheist Steve."

Steve "Yes I am but after 4 years at a liberal arts school I now respect all religeous beliefs except of course those of 80% of this country's population."

TLE "Your fool white god becomes lazy and drunk with power while the Eskimo god bides his time to strike. Now put the damn box on your head, whitey!"

{TLE jams the wooden box over Steve's head. Suddenly electric drills come out of the box and drill wires into Steve's temples. Steve slumps to the ground, unconscious.}

Stevette "Well, he's obviously never coming out of it. Let's just smother him and get it over wi..."

TLE "Fool doubter of the Eskimo technology! Watch!"

{The electrodes pull out of Steve's brain and he sits up, shivering.}

Steve "That made no sense, I saw spaceships and giant palaces of ice, armies of giant salamanders, I don't see what that has to do with the WTO."

{TLE raises his spear to Steve's neck again.}

TLE "Are you saying that you don't respect my culture?"

Steve "No, no, I'm sure the WTO hurt you in some way, I'll get some of my protest friends together. As long as I provide a keg I'm sure they'll be a big turnout."

TLE "Good, meet me here tomorrow when the sun crosses the great turtle's back. And STAY OFF MY LAND UNTIL THEN, white man."

{TLE runs off before Steve can ask exactly just how to do that. He eventually manages to leave the bench by setting little pieces of paper down in front of himself and stepping on them.}

Steve "I guess I'll have to lose my dissertation comparing Isarel to Second Reich Germany but it's worth it to stay off his rightful land."

{Scene change to the next morning at dawn, now Steve, Stevette and lots of other protesters are gathered outside the WTO building.}

Protester "So there's a 6 in THE MORNING?"

Steve "I know, I'm as surprised as you are, but, following that logic there's a 4:20 in the morning too so if my theory holds true..."

{TLE walks in, dragging a long series of kayaks connected by rope.}

TLE "Fool white men, you are late! What part of 'crosses the turtle's back' didn't you understand?!?"

Steve "But the sun is just rising..."

TLE "You think we would assign something as pathetic as the sun to something as majestic as a turtle? You sicken me white man, and some of your white army are standing on my land!"

Stevette "I only had enough hemp to knit doilies for half of the protesters."

{Zoom back to reveal that several of the protesters are standing on what look like cupholders.}

TLE "Aah, white man coasters, perhaps the only way I can stomach looking at the white man on my land. No matter, I need the white man to kill the white man. I must "Fight fire with fire" and in doing so burn the white man. Both in a metaphor and in reality. But now white men, I have brought the traditional war weapons of my people, kayaks and the combination spear/oars we used to fight valiantly against your cruel ancestors."

Protester "You want us to get in...?"

TLE "Yes, get into them, white men, and you shall taste victory" {Whispering to himself} "And then defeat once more as soon as your usefulness has expired."

{The protesters awkwardly get into the kayaks and pick up the spears. Since they are on dry land this is a difficult process and once they are all in the kayaks they tip over a lot. TLE watches silently }

TLE "There, now you are ready to attack. I will return in 10 years which is the usual amount of time a kayak attack campaign takes."

Steve "Wait..."

{TLE ignores him and walks back to the harbor, gets on his penguin-raft and paddles away.}

Steve "OK folks, we can still do this, just, try to hop with your kayak in the general direction of the building."

Protester "Can't we just get out of the kayaks?"

Steve "No, that would be a great insult to his people...I assume."

Stevette "It probably is since everything else is."

{The 30 or so protesters hop slowly towards the tower. Meanwhile inside the tower a business-suit guy (BSG) watches.}

BSG "People are attacking the WTO? I assume that they're blue-collar factory workers or unskilled laborers since those are the main people we hurt when we moves jobs overseas. Nomatter who they are, they're way outta line in their goofy little canoes."

{BSG picks up a phone.}

BSG "Hello police..."

{The scene changes back outside, where the protesters have moved about 7 inches. Suddenly about 200 police officers surround them, holding shields, batons, guns and tear-gas grenades ready. One yells with a megaphone.}

Policeman "ATTENTION PROTESTERS. PLEASE GET OUT OF YOUR GOOFY LITTLE CANOE THINGS AND SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY. I PROMISE THAT THERE WILL ALWAYS BE UNSKILLED LABOR JOBS IN AMERICA AS LONG AS MCDONALD'S FLAG FLIES."

Stevette "Unskilled labor? But I have a BA in neurophilosophy."

Protester "I think my legs are stuck."

Other Policeman "Well that's resisting arrest if I ever heard it. Open fire!"

{The 200 cops all open fire onto the protesters.}

First Policeman "These rubber bullets will get them in line."

Other Policeman "RUBBER bullets?"

{All the cops cease fire and look to realize that the protesters are now basically a bloody smear on the street.}

Other Policeman "Oops! He he he hee."

First Policeman "Well, that was easier than Waco anyway. More unskilled laborers where they came from I suppose."

{All 200 policemen simultaneously do the 'innocent whistle' and tiptoe away. TLE walks back in.}

TLE "The lease just expired on those kayaks so you owe me $40 each unless you want them reposessed...hey, what's this."

{TLE surveys the carnage.}

TLE "I see dead white men so obviously the attack is a success. As I count about 30 corpses that means only about 5999999970 to go."

{Fade to "The Daily Show with John Stewart".}

Stewart "So I hear you have a new project in the works, would you mind telling me all about it, Mr...Green?"

{The camera scrolls over to reveal that his guest is Tom Green. Tom Green talks like Mr. Ed as if he's being controlled by an unseen force.}

Tom Green "W-w-w-well Jo-o-ohn I guess y-you cou-ould say that. I-if you c-call the destruc-uction of the e-earth a project!"

{Suddenly hundreds of Tom Greens burst forth from the floor like a volcano. They descend on Stewart.}

Stewart "Well at least I did something meaningful with my life - making George W. Bush look so stupid he couldn't possibly get reelected. Oh wait a minute...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

{Stewart is being devoured as the scene of terror is replaced by a funny graphic of Tom Green with a goofy look on his face next to the White House and the caption "Green Politics". Fade to stupid.}