Chad's Utopia . Com - Stupid Unfunny Website Update - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Stupid Unfunny Website Update
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Tuesday, January 24th 2006 5:59 PM
Written: Monday, January 23rd 2006

{Open to the supreme court nomination hearings of Sam Alito.}

Congressman Steve Buyer "Now Mr. Alito, what is your opinion on abortion?"

Alito "What's an abortion?"

Congressman Steve Chabot "It's when a pregnancy is cancelled by removing the fetus from the mother's womb."

Alito "What's a fetus?"

Congressman Steve Israel "It's an unborn human infant."

Alito "And these humans are?"

Congressman Steve King "The genus homo with the species sapiens..."

{Suddenly a giant robot bursts through the wall of the US Capitol, a pan up reveals that George W. Bush is controlling it.}

W "Heh heh, you guys said 'homo'."

Congressman Steve LaTourette "Mr. President, remember what we said about 'indoor toys' and 'outdoor toys'?"

W "Heh, just like those guys I made not get married. But anyway, check out my new car!"

{W makes the robot do a silly dance.}

Congressman Steve Pearce "Um, sir, we're trying to evaluate your supreme court nomination here."

W "Oh forget that guy...I just nominated him 'cause I thought he was that judge who decided the OJ Simpson trial. Heh."

Alito "I think you mean judge Ito."

Congressman Steve Rothman "AHA!! SO YOU DO OWN A TV!!"

{Rothman hits a button on his desk and the floor drops out from under Alito's chair and he falls screaming into a flaming pit. W stops making the giant robot do 'the worm' and instead uses it to gently pick up a comparatively tiny TV set, gently plug in its video feed and power, then violently smashes the entire podium and gently sets it in the rubble.}

W "Blah blah blah 3rd branch of guberniment blah. What I really wanted you to see was my new pro-freedom task force to root out terrorism. I call them "Team Awesomely Awesome".}

{The TV turns on. Zoom in to reveal that it's showing an empty, desolate stadium with a wrestling ring set up in the center. Suddenly 'Blackmail the Universe' by Megadeth starts playing. The camera pans to reveal Rob Kestler, Chad Cassia, Vagrond, Keeanu Reeves and Jesus walking in. They are all wearing black coats, black pants and shirts and black sunglasses, except for Vagrond who looks like Kestler loosely draped a black tarp over him before they entered. The music quiets and Kestler removes a microphone from his coat.}

Kestler "The world...is a computer simulation."

Reeves "Whoa."

Kestler "And the head moderator of this simulation is our President George H.W. 'Don't put in tha H' Bush.'

Reeves "Whoa."

{Vagrond pulls an ice pack out from under his tarp and places it on his head, wincing.}

Kestler "Two and a half years ago, our accounts got suspended for spoofing."

Reeves "W-"

{Vagrond stumbles up to Reeves and, grabbing him with both hands, throws him up into the upper rafters of the stadium where Reeves disappears in a little Wile-e-Coyote style puff of smoke. Then, figuring he's used to Kestler, Cassia and Jesus enough, falls asleep into his tarp.}

Kestler "We're working directly under the prez now! To defeat Osama Bin Laden and..."

{Kestler pulls a "Operation Iraqi Freedom" commemerative cup out of his coat and crushes it while saying...}

Kestler "PLANDEUX!!! But not necessarily in that order. And now unlike my prezzy-bossy's previous operations, there's can't be any question if we have god on our side...ain't that right Jebus?"

Jesus "Damn straight."

Cassia "Hey Jesus, I never knew that you were black."

Jesus "Actually I'm only half black, my mom's Jewish, remember."

Cassia "Oh yeah."

Kestler "To take on our enemies we're going to need some serious planning. How about Vagrond, you tank, Jesus, you heal, I'll do crowd control and Cassia can pull the mobs."

Cassia "You want me to pull on whats?"

Kestler "You know, for aggro. Keeanu told me all about how the array works."

Cassia "Don't you mean the matrix?"

Kestler "Derp."

{Cut to Kester, Cassia and Vagrond sitting in a coffee shop. Vagrond is shakily pouring Trandoshan brandy into his coffee.}

Cassia "Why are we here?"

Kestler "All TV shows during the Clinton era took place in coffee shops. According to boss, Clinton hid secret messages for terrorists in everything in the librarial media."

Cassia "Can't you do what you used to do? Look, there's Star Burst over there."

{Cassia points at the corner of the shop where Star Burst lays on the ground, bloodied and wearing tattered yellow rags with a jeweled crown placed on his head.}

Kestler "Pffh. That is soooooooooooo 2002."

{Star Burst gestures towards them. Behing him in the shadows lurks Hastur the Unspeakable.}

Star Burst "Help...me..."

Hastur the Unspeakable "Closer...closer..."

{Suddenly a woman behind Hastur the Unspeakable taps him on his shoulder.}

Woman "Come on honey, the kids want to go home."

{Hastur the unspeakable sighs and dejectedly walks out of the coffee shop with his wife and octopus-headed children.}

Kestler "De RP."

{Cut to Plandeux.}

Plandeux "Foolish Kestler...wasting your time in Iowa and all the while my awesome army of Space Oddities grows."

{Michael Jordan, complete with Plandeux's mind control device which has sunk most of the way into his scalp over the last couple of years he's worn it, enters.}

Plandeux "Yes General Jordan, what news do you bring from the front?"

Jordan "Master, the oddities are confused. They wish to attack the populace, but your orders are only to make humans of the same gender get married and also to help people use social security successfully."

Plandeux "I am surprised you cannot see as you are my most brilliant combat strategist. If gay marriage becomes legal, or if social security starts working George W. Bush will need someone to take the fall...and Rob Kestler is his head flunky!"

{Plandeux turns the dial on Jordan's head to "maniacal laughter" and they both laugh manically. Fade.}