Chad's Utopia . Com - Look an update and it's by Chad (Note: in some countries "by" is slang for "not by") - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Look an update and it's by Chad (Note: in some countries "by" is slang for "not by")
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Tuesday, January 24th 2006 5:58 PM
Written: Tuesday, January 24th 2006

{Open to the inside of a drug store. In front of the "personal products" section a large creature stands that looks something like agiant sloth but with multiple spines and slime covering its fur. The creature pulls out a cell phone. The screen splits to reveal he's talking to Plandeux.}

Creature "Master, I am a slime-sloth from the Alkari system. I grab prey with my large claws and absorb them into my amorphous form where I digest their very souls and expel them as a powerful energy-based attack. I am one of the galaxy's most feared villains, and yet you have me standing in a terrestrial convenience mart and preventing teenagers from purchasing prophylactics."

Plandeux "You question me, slime-sloth? Once teen pregnancy rates skyrocket George W. Bush will have no choice but to find someone to take the blame...and the only flunky he hasn't used yet is Kestler! And with Kestler out of the picture...we strike!"

Slime-Sloth "A thousand pardons vaporous one. Now I must go as a target approaches."

{A wholesome-looking teenage couple dressed in 1950's garb approach the contraceptives aisle.}

Girl "Hey look Bobby-Joe, the first step to losing our innocence at our local school's upcoming dance or social event!"

Boy "That's right Bobbi-Sue and thanks to the liberal-leaning educational system, I know clearly how to have coitus and not produce a child!"

{The slime-sloth jumps in front of them.}

Bobbi-Sue "Hey look - a filipino migrant worker."

Slime-Sloth "Uhhhh, yeah. Ummm...yeah. Hey, you know what they DIDN'T tell you at school? That even if you don't use a condom you still have a nearly 60% chance of not making a baby?"

Bobby-Joe "Wow, that's over half!"

Bobbi-Sue "Way better than the lottery!

Bobby-Joe "Which we can buy tickets for with the money we save!"

Bobbi 'the pill' Neckbreaker "Huh?"

{A distant scream becomes louder as Kestler rushes in, followed by Vagrond who stumbles in much slower.}

Kestler "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!"

{Kestler, incidentally, is wearing a uniform which is patterned with the American Flag and has the phrase "Team Awesomely Awesome" printed on the front.}

Kestler "Stop you kids! Sure, you might not get teen pregnant, but think about how it would make our president look if you did!"

Bobby-Joe "You mean Clinton?"

Kestler "That sounds pretty close. I think you got the last name right."

Slime-Sloth "Gah! He means George Bush you idiots!!"

Bobbi-Sue "But wasn't he president BEFORE Clinton?"

Bobby-Joe "Well, he only served one term so maybe it's a non-consecutive..."

Kestler "No, I think you're both right. The president is clearly George Clinton. In fact, I'll call him."

{Kestler tries to pull a cell-phone out of his very tight uniform and instead a magazine falls on the floor. Bobby-Joe picks it up.}

Kestler "Oh that...that's just some merchandise from my store I was moving when I got 'tha call'."

{Bobby-Joe reads it, wide-eyed.}

Bobby-Joe "Whoa...suddenly I have a new idea. Sorry Bobbi-Sue, this seems a hell of a lot more comfortable for a twelve-year-old such as myself.}

{Bobbi-Sue runs off crying while Bobby-Joe slowly walks away reading. The slime-sloth is enraged.}

Slime-Sloth "GRAAAAAAAH!!!! FORGET PLANDEUX'S PLANS!! WHEN HE SEES KESTLER'S HEAD IMPALED ON A..."

{The slime-sloth, evidently forgetting he has giant spines, looks around for a pointy objects and finds one.}

Slime-Sloth "...LADY NORELCO SHAVER HE'LL THANK ME!!"

{The slime-sloth lunges at Kestler. Vagrond, who had been taking a power-nap in a bin of 39cent deoderant soap, does a back-flip forward over Kestler and slashes with both his rear and front left leg claws. The attack slips through the unharmed slime-sloth as if he were made of watery peanut-butter.}

Slime-Sloth "Fool space reptile...my mucilaginous form is immune to your physical attacks!"

{Vagrond quickly throws Kestler onto his back and carries him down the clothing aisle which this drug store apparently has. Vagrond then looks at the tags on various items of clothing until he finds a pair of rainbow-colored mens slacks that read "100% Polyester". He has enough time to do this as the slime-sloth is part sloth after all, and it's not like 'The Blob' was known for its speed. Vagrond throws the polyester item onto the approaching slime-sloth.}

Slime-Sloth "What is this? Dress up time? You've only slowed me slightly...more...than I was already slowly moving!"

{Vagrond carries Kestler with him to the checkout and grabs a convenience cigarette lighter. Taking his time, which he needs with his giant lizard claws, he carefully opens the lighter, starts it, and sets it to be on when the tab isn't being pushed in. He hurls it at the slime-sloth causing it to erupt in a tremendous fiery explosion that blows the roof off the store and leaves the shelves leaning away from the blackened blast center.}

Kestler "Hey! ......that kid didn't pay for that magazine!"

{Kestler runs out after Bobby-Joe with Vagrond loping behind him. Zoom in on Bobbi 'the pill' Neckbreaker as he picks up the slime-sloth's cell phone.}

Bobbi 'the pill' Neckbreaker "Plandeux, I've been sent as a messenger to inform you. Now that the Green Horde is no more, your alliance with the SMO is officially cancelled."

{Bobbi 'the pill' Neckbreaker crushes the phone between his hands which would be a lot more impressive if he weren't built like a truck and all modern cell phones weren't built like graham crackers.}

Bobbi 'the pill' Neckbreaker "THE PILL CURES WHAT AILS YA!!"

{Cut to a newspaper that reads "DUE TO TEEN PREGNANCY RATES DROPPING 0.0003% GEORGE W. BUSH'S APPROVAL RATING SKYROCKETS UP FROM 3% TO 3.00007%!"}