Butt Thrilligan's Current Events by: Garth Thompson Posted on: Sunday, March 5th 2006 9:24 AM Written: Sunday, March 5th 2006 {Open to the home of Mr. Enif Nortlort somewhere in England. He has turned his spacious 0-bedroom efficiency apartment into an exact replica of the bridge of the Lexx spaceship from Lexx, the short-lived Canadian Sci-Fi series.} Enif "Hmmm, maybe this wasn't such a jolly good idear after all." {Enif walks over to the computer bay on the Lexx bridge which he's awkwardly jammed an "iMac" into. He pulls up the eBay website.} Enif "Nobody is willing to do the 'buy it now' for 40 million pounds? Perhaps this wasn't the bright money-making plan I thought it was." {The ceiling smashes open and Butt Thrilligan flies into the room, wearing, of course, a brightly red, white and blue American flag uniform with a smiling face of George W. Bush on the front.} Thrilligan "Team Awethomely Awethome to the rethcue!" Enif "Wow, it's brilliant Yank Alternate-Lifestyle superhero Butt Thrilligan!" Thrilligan "Yeth! And I'm here to thave you from the killer terrorist bee ghosts!" Enif "Huh? Actually I just have financial troubles." Thrilligan "OK, OK, paperwork at Wathington got a little methed up. I know how to handle thith." {Thrilligan walks over to the "communication panel" which has an old rotary phone attached and places a call." Thrilligan "Hello, FEMA? I'm a refugee from thomewhere in the thouth and I need emergency relief." (Short pause) "OK, OK, my social security number is 123-45-6789." {Thrilligan hangs up the phone.} Enif "Why did you call an American agency on the telly...phone?" Thrilligan "Jutht you wait!" {A wall is kicked in from the outside, creating 2 holes in the set, and Dick Cheney emerges in full hunting gear holding a large rifle.} Cheney "I was just hunting fox...I mean, uh, I mean artificial fox, when I got the call." {Cheney looks around at the futuristic set.} Cheney "My god, the squalor is worse than I thought. Let me write you a check." {Cheney goes for his checkbook but accidentally sets off his gun, hitting Enif in the shoulder. Blood splatters Thrilligan's flag-uniform but Enif seems only mildly injured.} Enif "The bloody scamp winged me!" Thrilligan "Hey, you can't expect him to operate the equipment perfectly. It's not like he'th a trained athlete or anything." {Cut to Kevin Garnett after scoring an incredibly easy 2 point shot in the first 1 minute of a Timberwolves game.} Garnett "Celibration time!" {Garnet takes the basketball and hurls it full force at an elderly man in a wheelchair in the audience, killing him splendidly.} Michael Jordan (In the audience, still wearing Plandeux's mind-control device) "Good, good." Marcus Bank "Um, we're behind 40 to 2." {Cut bank to Enif, Thrilligan and Cheney.} Cheney "See, it's not my responsibility. Oops." {Cheney's gun goes off again and this times hits Enif squarely in the chest, knocking him out of the hole in the wall. That one probably did it.} Thrilligan "I ethpethially like it when the athletes talk about how much they like being around the other men. I can't get enough of that kind of thporth coverage." {Cut to The Last Eskimo standing facing the camera in a small igloo.} TLE "Yes, Toga, I freed you from captivity in the Amazon World Park zoo and have given you your new non-slave name, Explodey the Penguin." {The camera pans around to reveal Toga, the penguin chick that disappeared last December, wearing a penguin's version of roman gladiator armor with a large bundle of red dynamite crudely strapped to his back.} TLE "Soon, soon." {Fade.}