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IWO Hump-Day Havoc Card (aka OMFGROFLOLSTFUNOOB)
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Friday, November 10th 2006 9:04 AM
Written: Sunday, September 24th 2006

{At the normal time that the IWO's new Wednesday afternoon card, "IWO Hump-day Havoc" airs, instead a news broadcast is being displayed. Close zoom on an anchor at the scene.}

Anchorman "This is breaking news - apparently the alliance between the forces of evil known as 'Plandeux' and the 'Supreme Moon Overlord' or 'SMO' is over. This would ordinarily be a great day for America however instead these evil overlords appear to have selected our country as their battleground of choice..."

{Zoom out to reveal a midwestern suburb, blasted to the ground by combat. On one side of the fight thousands of moon-slaves, regular humans enslaved by the SMO, clad in rags and attacking with pointy sticks, rocks and whatever makeshift items they can find. On the other side of the battle is Plandeux's army of SPACE ODDITIES who, while having small numbers, are much better armed and posess a much stranger array of powers than the moon-slaves so thus far, the battle is a stalemate.}

Anchorman (Holding ear) "Wait...I'm just getting now that the National Guard is on their way to attempt to end the madness!"

{Suddenly, over the horizon dozens of missiles shoot, exploding and scattering parts of the armies. 100's of national guard soldiers rush over the hill screaming and shooting randomly Braveheart-style, meeting the already chaotic battle.}

Anchorman "OH THE HUMANITY! They seem to be attacking at random! One question remains - WHY HAS THE PRESIDENT MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED AND WHERE IS HE NOW??!?!"

{A splash screen displays "Now back to your regularly scheduled programming" then "IWO HUMP-DAY HAVOC" in towering letters that seem less dramatic given that this broadcast is interrupting the world being destroyed. Open to a picture of the IWO audience with the screaming fans. I mean fan. There is just one screaming fan who, as the camera zooms up on him is revealed to be George W. Bush.}

W "Whoooooo! Yaaaaaaa! Go Kestler! Go team Awesomely Awesome! Man, I am so glad that I don't have anything better I need to be doing right now."

Unseen Announcer #1 "Well Steve, looks like the IWO has turned out its largest crowd in over two years!"

Unseen Announcer #2 "Did the IWO even exist over the last two years, Steph?"

Steph "Actually I think Jamie Kosoy still held cards, they just didn't have any audience, wrestlers or Jamie Kosoy at them."

Steve "I don't think that Jamie Kosoy was even running the IWO at the end actually."

Steph "Well, all I know is what it says on this sheet he gave us, and he's the only boss listed so he must be the only one that ever existed."

Steve "At least he paid us five bucks to announce."

Steph "You know, I think he actually said five 'fucks' which he then clarified to mean 'five fucking hard punches in the stomach'."

{Cut to the announcing booth where it's revealed that both announcers are actually just one person with multiple personality disorder.}

Steve "I wonder if that means one or five."

Steph "I don't know but it's great to work with you again!"

Steve "You bet, as long as this doesn't devolve into some creepy Smeegul/Gollum like thing by the end of the card."

{The camera shifts away from the annoucers to the central ring.}

Steve "Oh, and here comes Kosoy now!"

{Kosoy enters the ring looking exactly as he did in 2000, meaning like a 4 foot tall clone of Drew Carrey wearing Nazi regalia except for a Yamica to show that while he disagrees with Hitler not accepting his people, he agrees with pretty much everything else he did. Kosoy throws up his "Heil" hand.}

Kosoy "ICH BIN EIN IWO!!!"

{Kosoy, still confusing JFK with Hitler, pulls his mini-microphone off his shirt for dramatic effect and continues}

Kosoy "Fools!!! Like a Phoenix I have risen again...but I don't mean that wrestler with a name like that, since wrestlers are just meat to me. Delicious, delicious lunchmeat on the sandwitch of the IWO. And the bread is my intensively excellent HTML design. Guess who's the special sauce? ME!!!! Now, send out the cold cuts."

{Steve/Steph hums "Pomp and Circumstance" while the current entire IWO roster marches out to the center of the dim, empty arena. First off comes Rob Kestler, still wearing his red, white & blue "Team Aweomely Awesome" uniform to which he's added a stolen American flag as a cape. Vagrond stumbles closely behind. After Vagrond The Last Eskimo emerges, in full parka and walking very slowly and holding up Teve Tobs who follows behind. Tobs is wearing a full business suit plus, of course, a ski mask with the "Macintosh" logo on it. Behind the annoyed Tobs enters "Baby Vagrond", just a normal everyday Iguana, who is wearing a safari uniform like his Austrailian handler Bruce, who carries him in.}

W "Boooooo! Baby Vagrond you suck! You heel! Boooooooo!"

{All the wrestlers plus Vagrond and Bruce get to the stage.}

Kosoy "Why if it isn't ham" (looks at The Last Eskimo) "Spam" (Looks at Teve Tobs) "and Idiot" (looks at Kestler)

Kestler "Moo?"

Kosoy "This...this is current complete roster for the IWO? A tiny lizard, two guys in cold-weather clothes and Idiot?"

Kestler "Moo."

Kosoy "Very well then. First things first - you will all refer to me from now on as 'Jramie Krosoy' since it's harder to say and I like to make people suffer."

Tobs "Krosoy! There are 2 STUPID LIZARD THINGS here and I can barely control my rage!!"

Krosoy "...as I was saying..."

Tobs "But there are 2 STUPID LIZARD THINGS here and I can barely control my rage!!"

Krosoy "...you'll speak when spoken to, Spam..."

Tobs "2 STUPID LIZARD THINGS here! I can barely control my rage!!"

Krosoy "ENOUGH! Whoa, deja-Dudley. Seriously, tell me what it'll take to get you to shut up?!?"

Tobs "A match with one of them...how about...that one!"

{Tobs points at Vagrond.}

Krosoy "No, bad idea. First off, he's not a wrestler and second he'd probably kill you and I've had bad experiences with matches where I had one of the wrestlers killed at the end. Specifically, Levine didn't stay dead after he got his head lopped off."

Tobs "Oh, but I wanna!!"

{Suddenly the camera focuses on Baby Vagrond.}

Baby Vagrond ""

Bruce "What's that baby Vagrond? You say you have a clip you want to show?"

{Kestler jumps in front of them.}

Kestler "There's a BABY Vagrond now? You should have told me you had a kid, Vagrond!"

{Vagrond wakes up slightly and starts shaking his head to indicate that Kestler is wrong.}

Kestler "Oh, look at him, he's so cute! Just like a dead tree branch or something."

{Kestler goes to pick up Baby Vagrond but real Vagrond stops him, then tears the cheaply made safari outfit off the iguana like the paper it is, as if to try to indicate to Kestler that it's just an iguana.}

Kestler "You're right Vagrond, babies AND lizards should not wear clothes. Thanks, and thank you TACOS for teaching me that lesson. I'm so excited! I remember when Elian Gonzales was my son! We'll have to schedule a play-date."

{Vagrond waves his front claw at the humans in disgust and then passes out back to blissfull slumber.}

Bruce "As I was saying, I mean, as Baby Vagrond was saying, the tape?"

Krosoy "Fine, I'll air the fucker."

{Krosoy pulls out a remote and hits play, and then a mega-screen display starts to lower very slowly and creakily down from the ceiling. A gigantic coat of dust falls off it, completely covering the wrestlers in four feet of grayness. Cut to the view on the screen which shows a hospital room where Fetus Boy, Teve Tobs' young, waxy-boned protegeé lays on a bed hooked to various machines. Doctors are monitoring him and a booming, dramatic male voice is heard.}

Voice "Yes, Baby Vagrond has kidnapped Fetus Boy and is subjecting him to horrible tortures!"

Doctor (to other Doctor) "We're lucky somebody brought him in here when they did...his chest cavity had collapsed which would have caused suffocation. With several major surgeries we may be able to get him back to critical condition from the 'dead in 5 minutes' condition he's in now."

{Cut back to the dust-covered wrestlers who are watching this.}

Tobs "THOSE BASTARDS!!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THEM THOSE BASTARDS!! WHAT ARE..."

{Everyone ignores Tobs and watches the mega-screen which the camera goes back to.}

Doctor "Whoever brought him in, they're like a guardian angel."

Voice "Yes, and Baby Vagrond has promised to continue this torture unless Teve Tobs admits that lizard things aren't stupid."

{Cut back to the wrestlers. Bruce got a broom somewhere and is sweeping the dust away while Teve Tobs goes on angrily.}

Tobs "Hah! I'll never admit that! How about, tonight, in this VERY ring, Baby Vagrond and I wrestle, in THIS very ring, and if I defeat him IN this very ring, he'll set Fetus Boy free to be free, in this very RING."

{Baby Vagrond looks at the camera as if to say "acceptable," but Krosoy steps in front of Teve, and then with the help of a stepladder Bruce hands him, stares into his eyes.}

Krosoy "Hah! You think that you're in Baby Vagrond's league Teve? You haven't been where he's been. You haven't done what he's done. You haven't EARNED what he's EARNED. You have to earn the right to face him."

Tobs "In this very ring?"

Krosoy "You guessed it broken-record boy. You must first face another wrestler, The Last Eskimo. The winner of that match has the honor of facing Baby Vagrond for some title. I'll need to go root around in the back and see what's left to determine which one."

TLE "Good, any day I can humiliate the white man is a good day."

Krosoy "We just need to determine your alignment, Eskie."

TLE "I am Lawful Neutral."

Krosoy "Not that, your wrestling alignment. Let's see, Teve Tobs is a neutral because he has that catch phrase..."

Tobs "I KNOW WHERE YOU GOT YOUR MONEY KESTLER!"

Kestler "Please, that is sooooooooo 2000."

Krosoy "Baby Vagrond is a heel..."

W (From stands) "Booooo!!! BOOOO!"

Krosoy "So you can be a face. Ready to join the good guys?"

TLE "I shall bathe in your children's blood, white man."

Krosoy "Aah, perfect. I don't see why anyone can question my management skills."

W "Yeaaaa! Go Last Eskimo! I suddenly like you now despite what the CIA tells me MUST BE DONE!"

Tobs "Wait, if I'm facing The Last Eskimo and the winner faces Baby Vagrond, that leaves..." (Teve struggles greatly with the concept of set inclusion/uninclusion) "...the guy who I know where he got his money! Who's he going to face?"

Krosoy "You mean Kestler? He's in the IWO people. You guys are just in the IML."

{TLE and Tobs groan, Baby Vagrond stares blankly, but then again all iguanas always do.}

Tobs "You put me in the minor league?!? How can I face the guy who I know where he got his money now?"

TLE "Another setback piled upon the Eskimo race by the white devils. Expected."

Krosoy "You guys obviously don't know what it takes to be in the IWO. If I can sum it up in one word, it's lackyitude. Lackey-slave, isn't that true?

Kestler "Yes."

Krosoy "What toady?"

Kestler "Yes, SIR!"

Krosoy "In fact I believe that you have a clip as well, isn't that right, croney?"

Kestler "Yes sir! Permission to allow you to show my clip sir!"

Krosoy "Permission...granted."

{Krosoy hits a button on the remote again and the mega-screen TV, which had started retracting but was going so slowly it hadn't gone all the way back up by now, changes to a music video. The song playing is to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger" and is in fact sung by the original band Survivor as it's not like they're doing something better anyway. It starts by showing images of Kestler Jogging with Jramie Krosoy holding onto his back, kicking his kidneys every step.}

Survivor "Falling down, back on my ass,
Which Krosoy has beaten flat..."

{Cut to footage of Kestler doing sit-ups, Krosoy is sitting on his chest and punches him every time he sits up, knocking him back down.}

Survivor "Went the distance just to buy him a beer,
And when I returned he wasn't even there."

{Footage of Kestler pushing a massive boulder up a hill, with Krosoy pushing it back down every time just as it nearly reaches the top.}

Survivor "It's the job of the jobber, it's the slave of Krosoy,
Willing to be his bitch when it's needed.
And the last known wrestler is Kestler, oh boy,
And Krosoy will make sure his will...is defeated."

{Cut away on the duhn, dah dah duhn part back to the watching wrestlers. Everybody except Kestler and Krosoy look disgusted. Kestler has a giant grin on his face.}

Tobs "Wow, I had no idea. Now I'm actually pretty glad I'm not in the IWO."

Bruce "Me too, damn."

Kestler "How did I get so big up there?"

Krosoy "Enough!" (Turns off remote) "The IML is decided but I must now use my awesome clerical skills to determine who will face who in the IWO tonight. It'll be Rob Kestler vs. Rob Kestler for every Title I can find!"

Krosoy "Let's get this holocaust started. ANNOUNCERS!!!"

{Cut back to the "announcer's section" (actually just a refurbished hot-dog stand) where Steve/Steph is sleeping. His right hand moves up while the rest of him sleeps, and pokes him in the jaw.}

Steve "I'm up, I'm up!"

Steph "Thought you were going to sleep through the first match there, huh?"

Steve "Well, if narcolepsy is the worst this new IWO era causes, then I think we'll be lucky. Hey, a match is starting!"

{Cut back to the center ring, "My Race Was Eliminated By The Selfishness of the White Man" by Joe Blues and his African Band starts playing as TLE enters.}

Steph "Well here comes The Last Eskimo, and he appears to be doing a traditional Inuit harpoon dance down the way to the ring."

Steve "They let him use that?"

Steph "Given that first-off, there's no referee, second, Jramie Krosoy is off coding CGI scripts somewhere and third, The Last Eskimo's always done that, I'll have to say yes."

{The camera moves to show Teve Tobs' entrance. Teve enters to the music of every song that has ever played on an iPod commercial all being played at the same time, a cacophony that sounds like the screams of the damned.}

Steve "Oh, and here comes Teve! He looks focused!"

Steph "It may just be gas. But he does repeat everything 300 times so that very well may be the case. It's rumored that his system naturally produces Ritalin and delivers it directly to his lymbic system."

Steve "Oh and it looks like they're getting started!"

{TLE and Tobs start circling, Tobs in a traditional stance, TLE readying his harpoon.}

Steph "Whoa, it looks like The Last Eskimo is going for his signature move right away?"

Steve "And that would be?"

Steph "It's called 'Harpoon to the Chest', Steve, and it's described as a harpoon to the chest."

Steve "And there he goes!"

{TLE lunges his harpoon into Tobs' chest, knocking Tobs backwards. Tobs lays on the ground, impaled.}

Steve "That was a short match."

Steph "WAIT! It seems that Tobs is getting back up!"

{Tobs stands up, pulls out the harpoon and throws it aside. He then removes a dented metal box from his chest.}

Steve "Is that a bible?"

Steph "No, it appears to be..."

{Tobs pulls a microphone out from the metal box, which still connects to it with a wire.}

Tobs "Check this out, Eskie! This is my iPod Maxi...this maxi-pad has saved my ears from having to listen to 'the normals' at my job or place of residence, and now it just saved my life!"

TLE "The white man refuses to die like the cochroach his people are. I call upon the spirits of my Eskimo ancestors - slain by the greed of your ilk - to help me!"

{TLE throws his arms up into the air.}

Steve "And what do you call that, Mr. Knows-the-Moves?"

Steph "It appears to be some sort of invocation to ancient spirits."

{Thousands of penguins march into the arena from all sides. They don't really attack or do anyting, they just march into the wrestling ring and stand there, crowding TLE and Tobs.}

Steve "Holy shit I have NOT seen that many evil penguins since Batman 2."

Tobs "Wait a minute, aren't penguins from the south pole and Eskimos from the north?"

Steph "OH MY GAWD!! TEVE TOBS JUST USED LOGIC!!! This is one hell of an unexpected turn!"

Steve "This is one exciting match right here."

{Tobs and TLE stand motionless for 10 minutes.}

Tobs "I said, aren't penguins from the south pole and Eskimos from the north?"

TLE "No...you fool...don't ask that again."

Tobs "I said, aren't penguins from the south pole and Eskimos from the north?"

TLE "Oh no! You've questioned their existance three times white man? Do you not know what you have done?!?"

{Suddenly penguins start exploding. At first it's just a few here and there, but then, like old-fashioned non-microwave popcorn more and more of them start going. The explosions knock both wrestlers over and soon the ring is hidden by smoke and flaming fowl flesh.}

Steve "OH THE PENGUINMANITY!"

Steph "When did the IWO turn into 'The Muppet Show'?"

Steve "Look, the smoke's clearing..."

Steph "It appears...yes, TEVE TOBS IS STILL STANDING!! The Last Eskimo is nowhere to be seen..."

Steve "Wow, Teve Tobs' sudden burst of logic combined with his usual mindless repetetivity may very well have won him the match!"

Steph "Wait, there's The Last Eskimo outside the ring! He appears to be trapped under a mass of penguin parts!"

{TLE twitches but between the penguin bits and his overstuffed parka he can barely move.}

TLE "Blast! Like the white men have metaphorically smothered my land I have been literally smothered!"

Steph "And here comes Krosoy."

{Jramie Krosoy enters intentionally slowly, and unintentionally slowly as well since his legs are about a foot long each, and after about half an hour gets to the ring where Teve Tobs has been standing perfectly motionless.}

Krosoy "One, two, blah blah ten. I don't do counting - I make ColdFusion do that for me. Anyway, the inferior Eskimo race is out and the even more inferior Teve Tobs race is in the title shot against whoever I said before."

Tobs "And that's a race I intend to win!"

{Suddenly the room shakes as rusty gears lower the gigantic TV screen. On it is displayed Fetus Boy's operating room. Baby Vagrond is sitting on him with a blank stupid expression on his face but somebody has placed tilted fake eyebrows on him in a sad, sad attempt to make him look angry. Fetus Boy, who appears much more like a person who's not dead since last we saw him, manages to stroke the lizard, and I mean that literally you dirty-minded freak.}

Tobs "OH EM EFF GEE!!! YOU BASTARD STUPID PROBABLY GAY GIANT LIZARD WHO IS STUPID AND PROBABLY GAY YOU ARE HOLDING DOWN FETUS BOY YOU BASTARDS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM YOU BASTARDS!!!"

Doctor (on screen) "Well, the pet therapy appears to be working."

Tobs "AS SURE AS WHEN I GET HOME I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH MY 500 WIVES SINCE I'M MORMON OR ARAB OR SOME CULTURE THAT HAS MULTIPLE WIVES I'M GOING TO SAVE YOU FETUS BOY!"

Krosoy "How can God have given someone so dumb such large lungs? Oh wait, I'm God so I'll do something about it."

{Krosoy tazers Tobs.}

Krosoy "There, when he wakes up the commercial will be done."

{Krosoy flips off the announcer(s). Cut back to him(them).}

Steve "What does that mean, Steph?"

Steph "It means we're going to commercial, Steve! Stay tuned IWO fans."

{At the notion of IWO fans Steph/Steve starts laughing with 2 voices coming out of him in unison that is very creepy. A commercial for "self-reproducing south african frogs laundry detergent" starts to play but then is interrupted by a news report.}

Anchorman "We return to coverage, interrupting the commercial instead of interrupting some stupid unfunny jobber-filled IWO broadcast. Why, I wish I knew. Chaos still reigns in the struggle to fill the power void that has emerged since the Green Horde mysteriously disappeared after the airing of "IWO Ragnarock". Plandeux's forces, the SMO's moon-slave army and the US national guard still clash. The son of noted bohemian Rob Kestler, Elian Gonzales-Kestler has emerged to try to stop the conflict."

{Pan over to Elian Gonzales who is now a disenchanted Goth teen. He attempts to give a speech in dull monotone.}

Gothzales "Hey, you people should like, stop fighting, because you're all going to die some day anyway, so you should, like, spend the limited time you have wearing black and reading awful poetry on the internet. I mean artful. Whoa, Freudian."

{One of Plandeux's space oddities that resembles some sort of "Good Times" Lunchbox with claws and fangs lunges at Gothzales who stands motionless. He is incinerated by a giant smoke ring, that a camera pan reveals was blown by Fidel Castro who is flying over the battle, the lower half of his body obscured by smoke.}

Castro "Whenever a Cuban or Communist child is in danger, I arrive!"

{A busload of American children is blown up by a landmine in easy saving distance of Castro. He whistles nonchalantly. An electrical arc leaps from the national guard mass at Castro who dodges it. Dick Cheney emerges from the soldiers.}

Cheney "Castro you fool. I knew that boy would draw you out!"

Castro "No, my old master, I am the stronger one now. The SMO has shown me how communism can work thanks to the 'moon-slave model of socialist economics.' Plus I have higher ground too, so you cannot win!"

Castro "CAPACITANCE ACTIVATE!"

{Cheney rips off his shirt and lightning streaks forth from his implanatable defibrillator scar, engulfing Castro who screams.}

Cheney "Fool. Only now at the end do you understand."

Anchorman "Now, just as this was getting interesting, back to the alternative to interesting television."

{The "IWO HUMP-DAY HAVOC" logo appears. The screen fades back to the empty stadium and empty arena. "Blackmail the Universe" by Megadave Mustain starts playing except the audio clip of news that normally plays is replaced by the audio from the news that played before the IWO broadcast started. George W. Bush enters carrying a large mortar which he uses to create some makeshift pyrotechnics for his entrance, as well as a few more holes in the stands and the ceiling to what age has already added. W then throws down the mortar and throws up the devil horns with both hands while sticking out his tongue. He gets ready to leap into the center ring but then some random person who evidently crawled in during break from the war going on outside, grabs his pantleg.}

Refugee "Mr. President...you have to do something...the world is in peril..."

W "The world? Heh, that skank's always bitching. Last time I checked I ain't the president of the world, I'm the president of the U-S-of-A."

{W delivers a solid kick to the refugee's forehead, knocking them clean unconscious and probably leaving them easy prey for Vagrond when he wakes up all hungry later. W vaults himself over the ropes, opens his coat where he has about 20 microphones stashed, grabs one and starts talking.}

Steph "Well it looks like the president himself has decided to make his presence known. Maybe a politician will add some sophistication to this event tonight."

W "Hey everybody. GEE DUBYA BEE IN THA HIZZYFIDIZZY!!"

{W puts his hands up as the crowd chants "George Bush, George Bush", or rather the pre-recorded chant that W is piping in plays that, since now that W's no longer in the stands, they're empty. From outside a scream is heard...}

Krosoy (Running to ring) "noooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

{Krosoy, panting as his Drew-Carey body shape isn't designed for moving that fast, steps in front of W.}

Krosoy "What are you doing! As God I created all things which includes the IWO so as it's my creation you have no right to interfere! Freedom of speech is in the constitution."

W "Pffffffff. That's nowhere in the constitution."

Krosoy "Yes it is, well, actually it's in the Bill of Rights..."

W "See, not the constipation. Heh, that "bill" was created by a bunch of whiny liberal founding fathers. We're still cleaning up those guys mistakes. Well you know what, George Washington? You can't tell me what to do 'cause you're not my REAL father. That's another George. And I'm George the Third with all the sanity and clear thinking that title implies."

{W snaps his fingers. Suddenly CIA agents drop on ropes, chloroform Krosoy, grab him and disappear back into the shadows.}

Steve "Whoa! Bush just took out the owner of the IWO in a...hey what's that move called, Steph?"

Steph "I believe it's called 'kidnapping to an undisclosed location' Steve."

W "Well that's one more trailer to America taken care of. ROB KESTLER AND TEAM AWESOMELY AWESOME come to me, I sermon you."

{Rob Kestler "flies" in, hanging on a large hook from the ceiling.}

Kestler "Wheeeeeeeeeee! I love being a superhero!"

W "Heh, heh. That's super-agent, Rob."

{Kestler lands and Vagrond drops on his hook, of course the rope can't support the giant reptile's 600 pound weight and snaps. Vagrond crashes to the ground, creating a large hole on the mat that he lazily crawls from, unharmed.}

W (Talking into microphone as if someone was watching) "Yes, IWO fans, Rob here and his own little version of Cheney, Vagrond, have been keeping America safe for football, T-bone steak roasts," (under his breath) "secret monitoring of all phone calls," (back to normal voice) "and football. And did I mention the steaks? Ain't that right, Rob?"

Kestler "Derp."

W "In fact just got some footage of their most recent assignment. Heh, keeping america safe for people who are too vegetative to do it themselves. Because if I believe in killing something, it sure ain't people in comas whose names can easily be used to cast false votes, heh heh."

{Cut to footage taken many months ago during the whole Terri Schiavo incident. Two groups holding various signs argue outside some unimpressive looking HMO.}

Sign-holder on one side "PULL THE PLUG! Any evidence showing that any people ever come out of comas ever is obviously fabricated. Plus the 3 cents in electricity and fluids per day" (under breath) "that many people have offered to pay themselves anyway" (loudly again) "could be used to feed homeless cats!"

Sign-holder on other side "DON'T PULL THE PLUG! Jeb Bush said not to pull the plug and in Florida we damn well do what he says. Remember 2000?"

{Rob Kestler and Vagrond walk in off-screen. Kestler is wearing his eyesore "Team Awesomely Awesome" uniform and Vagrond's back has been painted with an American Flag by Kestler just like those turtles they sold in pet stores before whiny animal lovers started complaining. Kestler looks at his watch, upon which George W. Bush appears.}

Kestler "Hello Watchy!!!"

W "Come in Captain Kestler, do you read me Captain Kestler?"

Kestler "I like it when you tell me what to do Watchy!"

W "No, Rob. I'm not inside your watch. I'm talking to you from a remote location via a smellular connection. Mah momma 'splained it all. Like how you don't actually live in a TV on my desk."

Kestler "Right...Wat...Watch...Watttttt's up...Watchy?"

W "Anyway, the country's split over this Terrby Shaver one, boys. If I make the wrong decision it could cost me the 5% of the country that still says they weren't drinking when they voted for me. I need you to settle this in some way that doesn't kill Turby Shurby but also doesn't leave her in a coma forever. Think you knuckleknoggins can handle that one?"

Kestler "Derp."

W "Good, I'll be waiting to hear from you with belated breath."

{W disappears from Kestler's watch. Once Kestler stops crying about his dead friend Watchy, he takes a look at the crowd.}

Kestler "Hmmmm, this crowd might be hard to get through. I'd better use a Geller mind trick."

{Kestler and Vagrond walk up to a man on the edge of the crowd who is holding a sign that says "BULLEMIA: NOT SO HILARIOUS NOW?". Kestler waves his hand in front of the man.}

Kestler "This is not the professional wrestler and giant lizard you are looking for."

Man "Why would I be looking for a professional wrestler and a giant lizard?"

{Kestler waves his hand in front of the man again.}

Kestler "No, you are not."

Man "Of course I'm not looking for a giant lizard and a professional wrestler. That sounds like some kind of extremely poorly written RP."

Kestler "Perfect."

{Kestler and Vagrond walk by the crowd which is of course not looking for them. They enter the inside of the building where Terri Schiavo is laying on a bed, wrapped in various cords and wires like a mummy.}

Kestler "That is sooooooooo sad. It's just like the time I lost Watchy. *Sniff*"

{Kestler cries for 5 more minutes while Vagrond pokes various buttons on the medical equipment.}

Kestler "I know how I can fix it! Kill her!"

{W appears on Kestler's watch.}

W "NO!"

{The W watch turns off.}

Kestler "Wait, I know! Leave her hooked to life support!"

{W flicks back on.}

W "NOOOO!!"

{W turns himself off again.}

Kestler "Hmmm. That's a sticky problem. Sticky like spilled juice. Sweet, sweet juice. If I could only bring her back to life somehow. Say Jebus, how did you come back to life?"

{Jesus walks in from the crowd holding a sign that says "WWID?".}

Jesus "Well, as I remember I was floating above my own body thinking, man, that's a bitch dying like that when I was all telling everybody I was gonna live forever. So then I got to thinking, and I laid my own hands on myself just like I did on that lazy guy and, sure enough, it brought me back to life too."

Kestler "Hmmm, do you think you can do that for her?"

Jesus "I doubt it. My powers haven't worked since I got outta Betty Ford. You know, no more 'burning the bush'."

Kestler "Well, maybe we can get her to heal herself like you did. We just need to set up the exact same conditions."

{Cut to Kestler and Vagrond outside of a cave. Kestler has Schiavo, still wrapped in cords, over his shoulder. Kestler heaves her into the cave, and then talks into his watch.}

Kestler "OK President Watchy, all clear."

{The camera pans up to reveal a gigantic boulder above the cave entrance. Explosions go off underneath it, sending it crashing down in front of the cave's entrance.}

Kestler "There. That giant stone is 100% certified that no human being can move it. Now, we play the waiting game."

{Cut to later that night, Kestler is sleeping in a sleeping bag and Vagrond is curled up at his feet. Vagrond awakens, blinking slowly, and clutches his stomach which lets out a loud rumble. Vagrond stands up and quietly pushes the massive boulder aside with ease. He then walks into the cave, opens his mouth and tosses Schiavo in, cords, clothes and all, chews and swallows. Then, satisfied by his midnight snack, he silently pushes the multi-ton boulder back and lays down again. Cut to the morning when Kestler wakes up suddenly.}

Kestler "Resurrection time!!"

{Kestler hits a button on his watch and more explosions go off, this time underneath the gigantic boulder. The boulder falls aside revealing the now empty cave. Kestler looks around the inside of the empty cave and gets a very satisfied look on his face.}

Kestler "Lo, she has risen."

{A doctor rushes into the scene.}

Doctor "Where have you idiots taken Terry Schiavo? I'll have you thrown in jail for this!"

Kestler "Hey, I work for the government now, and you know what that means?"

{Suddenly ropes drop from the empty sky and CIA agents slide down them, grab the doctor, slide back up, and the ropes disappear back into oblivion where they came from.}

W (on watch) "It means you just bought a one-way trip to an undislocation!"

{Vagrond, glad some of the work protecting Kestler is off his chest, falls back into blissful, well-fed slumber. Cut back to the IWO promo where Vagrond is also sleeping and Kestler is watching the TV.}

Kestler "Is this me here or up there?"

W "Philosopicles hour is over, Rob. Now it's time for me to get back to enjoyin' my day off at the ah dubya oh. CIA agents, release Krosoy please, cuz damned if I'ma be runnin this myself."

{A CIA agent slides down another skyhook rope next to W.}

CIA Agent "Um, you've never asked to bring anybody back from the 'location'. So we don't really have a process for it."

W "I'm the president and if I say do it, DO IT!"

{W curls his lower lip over his upper.}

CIA Agent "Fine, fine, I'll see what we can do."

{The CIA Agent disappears into the ceiling again and another one lowers, carrying Saddam Hussein, and throws him to the ground. Hussein gets up, dusts himself off and pulls out a microphone.}

Hussein "And now the IWO is proud to present an IML title match."

{Hussein digs through his pockets and pulls out a cigarette lighter.}

Hussein "For this, um, slightly dented but still capable of producing flame IML middle-eastern champion belt, TEVE TOBS FACES BABY VAGROND!"

{Pan over to the stands where W, Kestler and Vagrond are now sitting.}

W "WOOOO!!! TEVE TOBS! TEVE TOBS!"

Kestler "He knows where I got my money! ;)"

{Vagrond burps up some black hair as the cacophony of the damned starts playing again and Teve Tobs runs towards the ring.}

Steph "Well, it appears that Tobs is wearing a jungle explorer's uniform now as well."

Steve "Is he imitating Baby Vagrond's manager for some reason?"

Steph "I don't know. It is known that the adult Vagrond has trouble telling humans apart if they wear the same outfits, but then again Baby Vagrond doesn't seem to have knowledge of objects other than himself, food and heated plastic rocks, so I doubt that this is a tactical decision..."

{Tobs runs up to W, opens his coat and uses one of the many microphones in there.}

W "Hee hee, that tickers!"

Tobs "I'm wearing this SAFARI outfit since it represents the great SAFARI that is bundled with all of that great company's computers, of which I'm not the founder. And it has been proven to be the best browser by research done in secret at Apple, and kept secret PERMANENTLY, but you trust me, so that is why it's bundled with all of that great company's computers, of which I'm not the founder, which is why I'm wearing this SAFARI outfit."

Hussein (in ring) "Hey, since I'm supposed to be Krosoy, I should say something snotty and internet based, uh, my IE7 extensions can program circles around your pig-dog browser, ski-masked American devil."

TLE (Still under pile of penguin parts outside ring) "Yes. Finally the white devil recognizes his own devilishness."

Steph "Well, during that scintillating repartee, it appears Baby Vagrond and his manager have already made their way to the center of the ring!"

Steve "Oh, and it appears Tobs isn't happy about the trainer wearing the same outfit."

{Pan to Tobs who is dressed as Bruce, pointing with a gaping mouth at Bruce, who is dressed as usual. Bruce is carrying Baby Vagrond who is wearing a medevil viking outfit. He sets down Baby Vagrond and then turns to Tobs who is shaking and pointing but is otherwise not doing anything interesting.}

Bruce "Blimey!! What are you pointing at mate?"

Tobs "YOU STOLE MY OUTFIT!!!"

Bruce "Um, hate to break it to you mate, but I've worn this outfit since I started in the IWO managing Baby Vags and you've never been seen in it before today."

Tobs "YOU STOLE MY OUTFIT!!!"


Bruce "Um, perhaps you didn't hear me. Hey, g'day, can you hear me bloke? I said..."



Tobs "YOU STOLE MY OUTFIT!!!"

Bruce "Shivers! Is that all you can say?"

Tobs "YOU STOLE MY OUTFIT!!!"

{Bruce doesn't respond for a moment and then Tobs stops pointing and looks around nervously.}

Tobs "YOU STOLE MY OUTFIT!!!"

{Bruce still doesn't respond.}

Tobs "Um, well, you stole my outfit, um, and, um, you're making a mockery of Apple computer. Of which I am NOT the founder. And why the hell should you be wearing it, I mean after all the person you're based on is DEAD!!!"

Kestler and W (from the stands where Vagrond is sleeping) "Ooooooooooooooooooo!"

Steph "That was a low blow."

Steve "Truly. September '06 wasn't that long ago."

Bruce "CRICHEY! You shouldn't bring that up, mate! You're based on a guy who wasn't even in the IWO at the end of the period when more than just one bloke were in it, and also you're based on some other guy who hasn't been in the news for decades!"

Tobs "But, um...DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!"

Hussein "This is going about as fast as a car that's had its frame bombed out, hah! Begin wresting or I'll have the boss man bring back the REAL Krosoy."

Tobs "No, not that!"

Bruce "We'll be good, I swear!"

Hussein "Good, now DING!"

{Hussein literally just says 'DING' as loud as possible and jumps out of the ring, as does Bruce. Tobs hops in while Baby Vagrond just sits there motionless except for some slight twitching.}

Steve "Whoa, I can see the rage in Tobs' eyes!"

Steph "Pretty good to be able to see anything under that goofy ski mask. Tobs appears to be slowly circling Baby Vagrond, taking his time."

Steve "Oooh, ooh! Do you think he's setting up his signature move this early?"

Steph "Does Teve Tobs have a signature move? I don't think that's ever been brought up before..."

{Pan back to the ring where Teve Tobs clumsily swings at the air above the iguana.}

Steve "Tobs punches and Baby Vagrond dodges!"

{Tobs tries again but hits nothing besides air.}

Steve "Tobs tries again and misses again!"

{Tobs frantically starts flailing his arms around in the air above the iguana, which, not recognizing Tobs as a predator or greedy land developer, remains motionless. Even without a microphone Tobs can be heard screaming something about 'killing stupid lizard things'.}

Steve "Wow, this guy doesn't take a hint."

Steph "Well, that oblivious nature is what won him the last round so I doubt he's going to get a clue now."

{Suddenly the film of Tobs flailing skips frames, but after this "special effect" the living iguana representing Baby Vagrond is replaced with a stuffed toy iguana representing him. Tobs stops flailing and steps back. The camera pans onto him so that the toy is off camera, and then the toy is thrown...I mean Baby Vagrond jumps onto Tobs' neck. Tobs grabs the toy, in effect clutching his neck, and flops to the ground, screaming and kicking his legs wildly.}

Steph "Baby Vagrond goes for the jugular!"

Steve "Tobs breaks out his signature move of lying prone!"

{Steph/Steve looks at himself curiously.}

W (from stands) "Boooooo! Don't let him get away with it Tevv, Teef, uh, safari'in man! If you lose, then the terrorists most certainly win!"

{Hussein nods in silent approval. Cut back to the ring where Tobs is forcefully pulling the stuffed toy off his neck. He starts laughing wildly and tearing the stuffing out of the toy. The film then cuts awkwardly again and Tobs is standing in front of a real iguana, this time one not wearing any stupid outfit. Tobs is panting heavily.}

Steph "Oh, and Teve Tobs expertly breaks the hold!"

Steve "Look, shiny!"

Steph "You shouldn't get distracted so...wait a minute, Baby Vagrond does have something shiny!"

Steve "It's..."

Steph "It's Tobs' iPod Maxi from before!"

{Zoom in on Baby Vagrond to reveal that the iguana is, in fact, sitting on the dented iPod that saved Tobs' life.}

Steve "That is low, low, low..."

W "Booooooo! When I steal Cheney's pacemaker it's all in good fun and I always give it back when the men in the white coats ask me nice!"

Steve "...low, low, low..."

{Tobs, mesmerized by Steve's chanting also starts chanting "low, low", until the camera pans off the iguana so that Tobs alone is visible. Suddenly someone offscreen, I mean, Baby Vagrond, throws the iPod at Tobs who turns around to look at it. When he turns back the camera pans over to where Baby Vagrond was, where now is set up a table and tablecloth, with a lit candle on the table and a plate with a large T-bone steak on it. Baby Vagrond sits next to the steak and has no interest in it, as being an iguana he has much more vegetarian tastes than his giant namesake.}

Baby Vagrond ""

Bruce (From outside the ring) "Crichey! I think what Baby Vagrond is trying to say is that he's sorry for being so mean to you, and he's offering you this food as an apology."

Tobs (yelling as he's microphone-less) "FINALLY! SOME RECOGNITION FINALLY!"

{Tobs walks up to the table and starts eating the steak.}

Steve "OH MY GOD I CAN BARELY HANDLE THE EXCITEMENT!!!"

{Tobs very slowly eats for about 15 minutes. The filthy giant screen jumbo-tron lowers again, spreading dust over Tobs' meal which he brushes off and continues eating. On the jumbo-tron live video of the front lobby of a hospital is displayed. The dramatic male voice from the last Fetus Boy update is heard.}

Voice "Fetus Boy has mysteriously disappeared from the hospital where he was being held hostage by evil wrestler Baby Vagrond."

Tobs (not paying attention) "Huh, Fetus Boy, I don't have time to play with you now, go try to lift your arms or something to stay busy."

{On the screen, outside the hospital is seen a young man who looks very familliar but is healthy. He's talking to a doctor and they can be heard very quietly in the background only.}

Young Man "So I can really rejoin life with the normals?"

Doctor "Yes you can as long as you take your medicine and come in for periodic checkups. Truly it is a miracle that we were able to save you. If we hadn't started calcifying your bones immediately, you probably wouldn't have survived another day."

Young Man "Oh I don't know about that!" ;)

{The young man and doctor in the background walk away. The booming voice returns.}

Voice "What has happened to Fetus Boy and WHY IS THERE NO BODY?!?"

{The jumbo-tron dustily ascends but Tobs continues to ignore it and finishes eating about 15 minutes later. He wypes his face with the tablecloth.}

Tobs (With a full mouth) "FINALLY SOME REC..."

Baby Vagrond ""

Bruce "What's that Baby Vagrond, no...shivers! You can't mean that about the steak...it's too awful!"

Tobs (Still hasn't swallowed) "Huh?"

Bruce "Baby Vagrond says that...that...that as an iguana he might carry the E Coli bacteria, and you handled him before eating!"

Tobs (Backing up, terrified) "No, no!"

Bruce "Because you didn't wash your hands between touching an iguana and eating, there's a tiny chance you may have BEEN INFECTED WITH E COLI!!!"

Tobs "NOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO!"

W "Gaspdoodle!"

Tobs "NOOOO, NOOOOOOOOO!"

{Tobs has now fallen to the floor, screaming wildly. Baby Vagrond looks at the camera as if to say "You have been given the iguana curse!" Also, as if in response the massive, dusty jumbo-tron lowers again and a giant image of Samuel L. Jackson appears and begins reading the iguana curse.}

Samuel L. Jackson "I curse you so that from this day forward,
You may never rest, for an iguana will lay where you intend to sit,
And as you wander iguanas will lash your clothes to rags with their tails,
And your tears will not stain the earth as they will be lapped up by thirsty iguanas,
And you will eat naught but iguana flesh,
And you will drink naught but iguana blood,
And so it shall be until you iguana no more..."

{...Samuel L. Jackson then pauses and looks around nervously before adding...}

Samuel L. Jackson "...mother fuckers."

{The jumbo-tron turns off and slowly starts to reel back up. By now Tobs is hysterical, foaming at the mouth (well, out from under the ski mask anyway) and in convulsions on the floor. Baby Vagrond, in real-iguana form, walks slowly onto the twitching Tobs, coaxed by Bruce with a piece of lettuce, which Bruce quickly hides once he's on-camera.}

Bruce "What's that, Baby Vagrond, no! You say you're going to unmask Teve Tobs!"

W (talking to Rob Kestler) "Heh heh, been waiting for this all season. The last time it almost happpened I missed some big hurricane or something. Seems to have fixed 'erself by now, though."

Tobs "No, you can't unmask me! You're a stupid lizard thing! And you can't unmask me because I'm the only person who knows just how stupid giant stupid lizard things are! And something about Kestler's money though I don't remember it right now!!!"


{The iguana, pushed by an off-screen (and sometimes on-screen given the special effects level here) hand, awkwardly walks forward, pushing some of the ski mask off of Tobs. As this isn't working well the film skips and the real iguana is replaced by an iguana puppet which starts to pull off the mask with comparative ease.}

W "I wonder who it is?"

Kestler "I bet it was Rob Kestler all along!"

Steve "The suspense couldn't be greater!"

Steph "Well, it would be impossible to pull off a mask any slower than the pup...I mean than Baby Vagrond is."

{The ski mask is pulled off and the face is revealed...of Bill Gates!}

Steve "Saw THAT one coming."

Steph "Well, I suppose it SORT OF makes sense, I mean, Bill Gates owns more stock in Apple than Steve Jobs does right now, still not as much as Kestler, though..."

Gates "So long, losers!"

{Gates activates a jet pack he has somehow concealed and flies out of the arena through one of the holes that W 'accidentally' made, all the while laughing. Out of sheer habit Kestler pulls a paper cup out of his pocket and crushes it.}

Kestler "PLANDEUX!!!!"


W "Well, the terrorists won...this time. But that's because I merely have the power of 2 terms to stop them. Remember that people" (looks at camera) "remember that in 2008."

Steve "Huh, well I guess that ends the Teve Tobs' legacy in the IWO."

Steph "And just four years after the actual IWO ended. Not bad for Tobs, I mean Gates, actually."

Hussein "And the winner by...whatever the hell that was, is BABY VAGROND!"

{Baby Vagrond looks at the camera as if to say, "good riddance to Teve Tobs and his racist, anti-lizite attitude" but suddenly a 40-foot wide section of the arena wall collapses. From the smoke emerges a large trash heap with massive fangs and hundreds of flailing tentacles, each tipped with a discarded tire. The thing brings 10-20 of the tentacles together and crashes them into an uninhabited section of the stands (which isn't difficult here) and utterly destroys them. Vagrond instantly wakes from his slumber and his eyes widen as he bares his teeth. He readies his claws and jumps at the thing, which is probably a SPACE-ODDITY, striking it with his claws as he jumps into it, releasing a massive stream of black bile that spews out over the ring and Hussein. The monstrosity bellows in torment.}

Hussein "And that would be our cue to go to commercial, but don't you great satans leave your seats yet...we still have an actual IWO match coming up, and since there's no current title holder, every IWO belt will change hands tonight...either to Rob Kestler, or to Rob Kestler!"

{Cut to the IWO Hump-day Havoc logo followed by a commercial break. The commercial begins with an image of George W. Bush standing on a grassy hill, his back turned towards the camera, while the sky has superimposed a waving American flag. W turns towards the camera, smiling.}

W "Oh, hello. Heh heh, didn't see you there. My fellow Americans, my opponents would like to confuse the election with talk of 'moon slaves' and 'space oddities' and 'wanton death and destruction'. But they only want to do that because they're not focused on the real issues. And what are the real issues? Well, damned if I know, and damned if you know too. That's why you can bet I'll make the same decision you would if you were in my place. And you'd be just about the best president ever, right? Just like you, I know it's a load of hooey when my opponents talk about some ho named Katrini, or some rack of eyes. So folkers, when the next election rolls around, and I illegally replace the role of president with that of 'Emperor' and illegally run for it beyond my term limits, I think you'll all make the right decision and poke the chads that make me win. Not that it'll matter. And now, to read some words that my PR manager say get me votes. 'No children left in behind.' 'Abortification.' 'Game Araige.' 'Embri...embrif...em...'"

{W stares slightly off camera intently and makes the 'move cue card up' motion with his hand.}

W "'Erotic Steam Kell Research.' and finally 'Don't cut your runners.' My method of country-based management keeps it safe for the little folks, like my good friend, Jramie Krosoy who manages a small resting league. Ain't that right, Jrames?"

{Saddam Hussein is pushed in from off-screen and looks worried.}

Hussein "Uh, uh, yes?"

{W puts his arm around the terrified Hussein all friendly-like.}

W "That's right, because of me Krosby here is still in business. And maybe, just maybe, you are too."

Hussein "If anybody's watching, contact Amnesty International. I'm not ..."

W "Good night my fellow Amercanians, and good luck surviving that chaos out there, heh heh, whew did you see those space odd..."

{The ad cuts quickly to static and then to a title that reads "Paid for by the Concerned Citizens for GWB of America" and in smaller letters underneath "and the Glorious Oil Barons of Kerdeathistan". A news logo comes up and once again a newspiece is squeezed in. The anchorman stands outside of the IWO arena as death and destruction reels behind him with waves of Moon Slaves falling to one horror from space or another.}

Anchorman "And we're back from the broadcast that the executive order prevents us from interrupting. It appears that a new party has entered the melee that is taking place behind me right now. Well known philanthropist and recent Republican party benefactor Vagrond the Giant Space Lizard appears to be protecting the IWO arena by himself. He has already slain 2 space oddities that were described as 'huge abberrations' and is now in combat with a third smaller, though evidently no less powerful one. Let's see if we can get a close view."

{The anchorman crawls through the trench he is in, which appears to have been burnt rather than dug. The camera follows and, once over a slight hill, zooms in on the area directly in front of the IWO Arena. Vagrond is standing with claws and tail ready, but something roughly man-sized is running in circles around him very fast. Vagrond makes a few attempts to swipe at the blur but misses both times. Vagrond growls loudly. The blur comes to a screeching halt, revealing that it's a vaguely humanoid tiger salamander wearing oversized white robotic boots and gloves.}

Vagrond "Damn you, Speedymander!"

Speedymander :D

{Speedymander holds his hands out at Vagrond, shooting a spout of flame. Vagrond dodges the flame easily by doing a flip over Speedymander, but when he lands he is panting uncomfortably due to the heat. A flying TV screen with Plandeux's image on it comes into view, watching the fight.}

Plandeux "Yes, yes! I knew it was a good idea to strap boots of speed and flamethrower gloves to a giant salamander. And I sooooooooo was not just throwing together spare parts I had laying around."

{Plandeux looks over at his main general Michael Jordan, who rolls his eyes.}

Plandeux "With Vagrond out of the way the stadium...and thus Kestler...will be all mine! And I'll still have enough space oddities left to crush the pathetic moon slave army! Mu hu ha ha haaaa!"

{As Speedymander begins circling Vagrond again the camera pans back to the anchorman.}

Anchorman "Will Plandeux actually be able to cover a battle on two fronts or will this give the SMO the advantage? Tune in tonight after..."

{The anchorman is cut off by the splash logo for "And now back to IWO HUMP-DAY HAVOC". Cut to Steph/Steve in the annoucer's booth, wyping some various space oddity goo off himselves. Two separate captions underneath him read "Steph" and "Steve".}

Steph "And we're back. Tonight we've already seen the unmasking of Teve Tobs, a biblical-style resurrection, and several hundred penguins sent to the grim exploding deaths."

Steve "But don't tune out yet! There's only one match left and damned if it isn't the biggest one of the night!"

Steph "That's right Steve. Remember when I said that this card was turning into the Muppet Show earlier? Well, now it's about to turn into Monty Python season one as Rob Kestler for the first time ever is facing Rob Kestler in a match for every IWO title that Saddam Hussein was able to find during that commercial break!"

Steve "And here comes Hussein to the center of the ring now."

{Hussein walks into the center of the ring carrying a bunch of hockey sticks, padded gear and other hockey equipment. He uncerimoniously throws it to the ground in the center of the ring and readies his mike}

Hussein "Um, I think this place was being used as a hockey arena for the last four years or so. Well, anyway, IN THIS VERY RING TONIGHT, I GIVE YOU, ROB KESTLER!!"

W (from stands again) "Yeah! Wooooooooo! Team Awesomely Awesome representin'!!!"

{Kestler, still dressed outlandishly with his flag-cape, runs down the aisle to the ring, waving sparklers as makeshift pyrotechnics. During this, Steph/Steve hum "Freak on a Leash" in perfect 2-part harmony somehow. By accident, Kestler pokes his flag-cape with one of the sparklers, starting it on fire. Screaming like a little girl, Kestler tears off the flag, throws it to the ground and stamps out the fire. Kestler looks expectantly at the "fans" but W just smiles and nods so Kestler heads to the ring and starts dancing strangely.}

Hussein "And, challenging Kestler for this slag heap of sporting goods, I give you, ROB KESTLER!"

{Kestler quickly runs back down the aisle, lights 2 sparklers again and runs, a bit quicker this time, back to the ring. During this Steph/Steve hums both the bass and guitar parts for "Stayin' Alive" somehow. This time Kestler accidentally starts his flag-shirt on fire, and again tears it off to the ground, stamping it out. Underneath it he is wearing a "I have God in my pants" shirt with "God" crossed out and "Jramie Krosoy" written in, in what appears to be Krosoy's handwriting. Still not to the ring, Kestler manages to start THAT shirt on fire as well, but this time just throws it to the ground and lets it burn. Kestler jumps into the ring, now panting heavily.}

Hussein "DING!!!"

Steve "And he's...I mean they're off! Something about this match just feels very right to me."

Steph "Me too, Steve. I wish I could put a handle on why."

{Kestler assumes a fighting stance and slowly circles himself.}

Kestler (To himself) "OK Rob, don't choke. You've waited your whole life for a shot at the pile of miscellaneous hockey equipment. It's taken years of being a mid-card loser at the IWO, constant sucking up to Krosoy, and finally remaining in the IWO when everybody else, even the people running it, quit. It's all come down to this and damned if I'm going to let some upstart me take it away from me!"

Steph "Kestler's circling himself, sizing himself up a bit."

Steve "Come on, do something already!"

Steph "Finally impatient, huh?"

Steve "This isn't exciting like watching motionless penguins or watching somebody eat."

Steph "Well Kestler wants to be careful. He's a highly erratic wrestler so he doesn't want to catch himself off guard. And there's a punch!"

Steve "Missed, though."

Steph "Huh, Kestler doesn't seem to have figured out that if he just punches or kicks at random, he won't make contact with himself."

Steve "And another ten misses!"

Steph "Then again, Kestler's plan here could be to tire himself out, sort of rope-a-dope."

Steve "Can you be both the rope and the dope, though?"

Steph "I don't know, but that's a question for our pharmacist and, since Krosoy was replaced I doubt we'll ever be seeing the five bucks he promised us for announcing."

Steve "So I guess we'll be talking to each other a lot then."

Steph "I suppose so, Steve."

Steve "Hey, something's happening!"

Steph "Whoa, Kestler appears to have snaked his right arm around his throat and has grabbed his back in an auto-chokehold!!! The fan is going wild!"

Steve "And I'll bet the president'll really like what's coming next..."

Steph "Whoa, you did see it coming, Steve! Kestler has flipped himself forwards into a submission hold on the matt, his left arm holding his right! Is he going to make himself tap out?"

Steve "No!"

Steph "And much to the prez's delight Kestler has broken his own hold. Now he's readying himself again. It's clear there's no love lost between these wrestler."

Steve "Whoa, what's that? It looks like he's got both his arms underneath his own arms somehow!"

Steph "Could it be?"

Steve "Could what be? Hey, why is he standing on his tip-toes?"

Steph "It is! Kestler is setting up himself for his old signature move! The Call from Beyond!"

Steve "Isn't that from that old game show?"

Steph "Do you mean that millionaire show? Phone a friend?"

Steve "No I mean...whoa!!! Kestler just flung himself head first into the ground!"

Steph "He seems to have knocked himself cold! Oh no, if Kestler doesn't get up, then neither Kestler will win and the match will be declared a draw!"

Steve "Wait, I think I see some movement!"

Steph "Yes, Kestler has raised his right hip up! And he's got his right arm on his left shoulder for the pin!"

{Hussein runs to the center of the ring.}

Hussein "One..Two..Buckle my Shoe...uh..."

Kestler (Wincing through pain) "Just finish it already...The next number is four..."

Hussein "Really? Well then Four..Five..Six"

Steve "I can't take the excitement!"

Steph "Look at the stands!"

{The camera pans over to the stands to reveal that W is jumping up and down nervously and frantically bighting his nails like a schoolgirl.}

W "This is more exciting than 2000 in Floride!!! Heh heh. Just kidding, like we all didn't know what was gonna happen there, bro."

Hussein (who's been counting the entire time) "Seventeen..Eighteen..uh..."

Kestler "Just...two...more...counts...boss..."

Hussein "Uh..One-Hundred..Three!!! Rob Kestler has won the title! And Rob Kestler has been defeated too, so I just think I'll be taking these to sell on the black market."

{Hussein gathers up the hockey equipment and "hides" it under the ring. Kestler collapses to the ground, covered with self-inflicted bruises.}

Kestler "My finest hour. I only wish Vagrond hadn't been too busy playing with his friends so he could watch."

Steve "Wow, that was something. Between the discarded garbage, the single wrestler acting goofy and the COUNTING, I just about went nuts!"

Steph "I'll say, Steve, just add some watching paint dry and an hour or two of laundromat footage and I think our heads would have exploded from so much excitement!"

{Saddam Hussein walks up to the announcers booth where the one person with two voices sits.}

Hussein "My american pig-dog friend! Now that I am the owner of the IWO and have a rich american lifestyle, I'd like to hire you full time as a wrestler. Also I'd like to concurrently hire you full time as a vice president of the IWO. I think from now on I'll call you Evan Stevan and V.P. Stevan."

Evan Stevan "Sounds great! Though I should let you know I totally hate you, V.P. Stevan!"

V.P. Stevan "And I hate you too! That's why I'm going to give you a shot at every title I can think of next week. To kill you with kindness."

Hussein "Perfect."

{Interrupting Hussein and the Stevans, from outside a giant pile of slime, blood, bone and guts lumbers its way in. Everyone reels back until the pile starts shaking, revealing that it's just Vagrond covered with the remains of his opponents from outside. Vagrond shakes the rest of the detrius off but looks no worse for the wear.}

Vagrond "Man, do not ever kill 3,000 space oddities without washing up in between. Not healthy."

W "So, have you made the U-S-of-W-of-A safe again, Team Awesomely Awesome member Vagrond?"

Vagrond "Have you used the money I donated to your party to build me a gigantic Gorn Liquor bong?"

{W nods in approval.}

Vagrond "Then it'll be another 2 hours. Hey Rob, have any +5 weapons on you?"

Kestler "Sorry, just this Vorpal Sword."

{The shirtless Kestler produces an ornate sword somehow and tosses it to Vagrond who catches it.}

Vagrond "It'll have to do. Well, let's go. Lots of easy XP out there in those moon-slaves."

Kestler "Derpdoodle."

{Kestler produces a dragonskin-bound spellbook from his pants and follows Vagrond, who readies his sword as the two charge out into the sunset.}

W "Godspeed fair player characters, godspeed."

{Hussein and Stevan just look at each other, confused.}

V.P. Stevan "You get the wierdest people in this sport."

Evan Stevan "You said it bro."

{As per presidential decree, the credits for IWO Hump-Day Havoc run uninterrupted, basically just repeating Jramie Krosoy's name for every position from "Director" to "Boom Operator" and the only other name present is Rob Kestler as "Best Boy" thanks to his highly effective sucking up during this card. After the credits a splash screen reads "Brought to you as a joint venture of the IWO and the Concerned Citizens for GWB of America" and in smaller letters underneath "and the Glorious Oil Barons of Kerdeathistan...again".}

{Cut to the inside of a bedroom. The lights come on, albeit dimly, to reveal a king-size bed with the following people laying in it; Butt Thrilligan, Psycho Gay, David Faustino, a gay Michael Dudley midget (GMDM), a straight Michael Dudley midget (SMDM), Brett Boy Howdy and Governor Jim McGreevey. Butt Thrilligan suddenly sits up, worried.}

Thrilligan "Oh no!!! I wath tho busy having thweaty gay thexth in the awethome new world the prethident hath created that I totally forgot to compete in the IWO thith week!"

Faustino "Butt, darling...I have a question for you, what's your last name?"

Thrilligan "And I have a quethchun for you too, why the hell are you thtill here?"

SMDM "And why is Psycho Gay here? Was he even ever a separate character from the character he was based on?"

GMDM "And even so, the character he was based on hasn't existed in years."

Psycho Gay "Honey, you two are in no position to talk about characters who haven't existed in years."

McGreevey "Hey, this isn't the Oprah set!"

Psycho Gay "Oh pffffff. You have such a Judd complex."

{Fade on video of Vagrond and Kestler mad power leveling.}