Chad's Utopia . Com - Eskoplane - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Eskoplane
by: Garth Thompson
Posted on: Saturday, January 20th 2007 10:57 AM
Written: Sunday, December 31st 2006

{Open to a bustling airline terminal. A man near the entrance to the plane calls for passengers.}

Man on speaker "At this point we're honored to welcome our first-class premium members."

{Passengers enter the plane. Later...}

Man on speaker "Now it's our pleasure to allow our excellent business class members."

{Passengers enter the plane. Later...}

Man on speaker "Second-class passengers may please now enter the plane."

{Passengers enter the plane. Later...}

Man on speaker "Coach passengers you now have our permission to enter."

{Passengers enter the plane. Later...}

Man on speaker "And now niggas, catholics and jews may slime aboard the plane."

Kestler "That's us! Better get on."

{Pan over to reveal Rob Kestler, Vagrond and The Last Eskimo entering the plane. Rob Kestler is dressed as a Hacidic rabbi complete with the circular hat, black robe and dreadlocks. Vagrond is wearing a giant Afro wig and an NBA uniform. The Last Eskimo, naturally, is dressed as the pope. They slowly walk aboard the plane where, in the first-class section where each person has about 20 cubic feet to themselves. Jesus is seated here reading a book, and grabs TLE's parka to get his attention.}

TLE "What is it white demigod?"

Jesus "I just was reading this book and I thought you'd enjoy it on this trip."

{Jesus attempts to hand TLE the book but he knocks it to the ground with his rosary beads and spits on it on the ground. The book is "My Painful Journey against Whitey" by John Fire Lame Deer}

TLE "Damn you members of the white man's pantheon always handing me your damnable tomes of madness. The white man's lies have as little use to me on print as they do in voice."

{TLE continues down the plane, somehow hitting every passenger in first class on their elbow, despite their amazing volume. Jesus slowly picks up the book, smiling.}

Jesus "Heh heh, they neeeeeeeever listen."

{Kestler, Vagrond and TLE continue to their seats. As they pass through the sections the number of seats per side of the plane increases from 1 to 30. At the first 30-seat row that opens up TLE throws down his carry-on spear and animal pelts, and manages to take up the entire row. Kestler and Vagrond continue to their seats while a flight attendant stops by the row that has now been claimed by the Eskimo people.}

Flight attendant "Excuse me sir. Can you show me your ticket."

TLE "Damn the white man and his taxes! Yet I must pay to retain my casino rights."

{TLE hands the flight attendant his ticket and then immediately begins quickly throwing dice onto the floor of the plane.}

Flight attendant "I'm sorry sir but your seat is AB-14 and you appear to be seated in seats AA-0 through AA-29."

TLE "Again the white man has stolen land from me, and this time one which I have built his contemptible casinos on. And yet I must capitulate as the white man's armies are great and include use of technology I cannot understand such as the knotting of loops of twine through holes in a wooden handle."

{TLE removes his pope hat and jams it into the groin of the flight attendant who, by the way, was male. TLE proceeds to his own seat as the flight attendant, cringing in pain, is stepped over by passengers assigned to TLE's claimed seats. Several passengers slip on the dice strewn on the floor. Pan back to our heroes who occupy seats AB-12 through AB-14 at the convenient location of being as far from the aisle as possible without being by the window.}

Kestler "See, I knew these disguises would get us in :)"

{Vagrond ignores Kestler and appears to have comandeered the entire drink cart and forcibly shoved it into the seat in front of him. The flight attendant, however is more concerned with TLE who has pulled her (this one is a woman) aside and is asking her a series of questions.}

TLE "...so these 'seat belt extensions' could be used to strangle a fully sized white man?"

Flight attendant "I suppose but..."

TLE "In that case I shall require all of these 'seat belt extensions'. "

Flight attendant "Um, given the manner in which you asked for them I'm not sure I can..."

TLE "FOOL WHITE WOMAN! You cannot deny me as it is my right to all such weaponry as part of the 'weapons for fish' program the farce of a government of the white man has implemented"

{TLE pulls a massive pile of rotting herring out of his pope-parka and throws them onto the feet of the flight attendant, who reels back and looks as if she is about to vomit. Kestler, who had previously been explaining the benefits of purchasing a kiddie pool out of a magazine on an airplane to Vagrond, gets up and comforts the flight attendant, still wearing the outfit from before.}

Kestler "Shalom, my child, shalom. My friend the last mohican..."

TLE "Esquimeaux!"

Kestler "...samurai is just as harmless as any other minority group, even Unabombers. Just let me talk to the pilot and I'll get it straightened out."

{The flight attendant, in a state of shock or possibly e-coli, forgets all seventeen minutes of her training and opens the massive vault door to let Rob Kestler and TLE in to see the pilot, who turns to look at them.}

Pilot "What's going on? Why is there a rabbi and an eskimo here?"

CoPilot "I don't know but I hope the punchline is good."

Kestler "Hello captain. I would just like to let you know that my friend here is totally harmless."

{Kestler points to TLE who is holding his spear and is pointing it threateningly at the pilot while grimacing.}

TLE "Attention white men. Know that as my spear will pierce your flesh so will the Eskimo people pierce your land until naught is but ruins."

Pilot "Well, he seems like a nice guy."

Kestler "OK, good. Bye, we're going back to our seats. Good luck."

{Kestler and TLE leave the cockpit.}

Pilot "Did he just say 'good luck'? As if to imply that I became a captain not through skill but through luck?"

CoPilot "I think that he just meant..."

Pilot "I'll show him! I'm taking this baby down!"

CoPilot "I don't like this idea."

Pilot "Quiet you. There's a 'co-' before your name for a reason you know."

{The CoPilot looks dejected but doesn't stop the pilot as he pulls the plane, which by now was flying far above the hay-fields of Iowa, into a nose-dive. In the back of the plane people are screaming.}

Flight attendant "WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!"

TLE "Once again the white man attempts to eliminate the eskimo race before it has had a chance to become numerous. And as the gestation of the white man is much longer than a few minutes even if I were to procreate right now with a white feamle the half-eskimo offspring would not be produced in time."

Kestler (oblivious to the plummeting plane) "Huh? Did you say something? I was reading up on some great $50 patio furniture."

TLE "However the white man has underestimated the resourcefulness of the Eskimo race."

{TLE pulls a fish out of his parka and slaps Vagrond with it. Vagrond wakes up groggily, grasping at the air in front of him.}

TLE "Large and reptillian white man. The eskimo race requires you to save it from the murderous nature of your own race. Comply and I will allow you to save the other white men on this vessel as well."

{Vagrond jumps up, pulls off the fright wig and removes 10 packets of just-add-water 'hangover-be-gone' from it. Vagrond tears these open and dumps the powder down his throat all at once. Now sober, he exposes his massive claws and tears open a side of the vertical plane and grabs the panicking passengers, 3 or four at a time, and jumps from where they've fallen to the torn hole which is now sucking all of the magazines Kestler was reading out of it. One by one, Vagrond throws all of the passengers out of the plane, carefully aiming them so that they land on the numerous haystacks on the ground below. Vagrond does quite well with this, and only those passengers who struggle end up messing up their trajectories and splattering on the pavement. Finally, with all passengers and crew safely thrown from the plummeting plane, Vagrond leaps out himself and does a cannonball into the middle of a 4-way intersection, sending pavement rippling for a mile in each direction. Vagrond then gets up and walks over to where he threw Kestler and TLE, who knew enough not to struggle and as such landed on the comfiest, most-pitchfork-free stacks of hay.}

Kestler "Dang! I guess we'll have to walk the rest of the way then!"

TLE "A much preferred alternative to the iron thunderbirds of the white man."

{Out of the sky, Jesus floats down. Not with angel wings or anything, but instead using his large robe as a parachute and by flapping his arms and making plane noises.}

Kestler "Hey Jebus, can you wake up the people who struggled-wuggled and are now splattered-wattered?"

Jesus "No! I'm not a resurrection machine you know. I don't live just to resurrect whoever you ask me to."

{Kestler makes a sad pouty face at Jesus.}

Jesus "Fine. But I'm using 'raise dead' instead of 'resurrection' on them so they lose the point of constitution."

Kestler :-D

{End.}