The Saga of the Three Kings - Episode 1 by: Garth Thompson Posted on: Tuesday, June 19th 2007 2:18 PM Written: Tuesday, June 19th 2007 {Open to Rob Kestler, David Faustino and Vagrond sitting in a coffee shop. By which I mean sitting on a box outside of Rob Kestler's shop that Kestler has crudely written "Kestler Koughee Kart" on. Kestler and Faustino are holding empty coffee mugs, Kestler's being an Uri Gellar $119.95 psionic crystal special and Faustino's being a memorial one from the Backdoor Boys' "Every Rainbow has its Thorns" 1995 Tour. Vagrond is holding a plain white one and shivering slightly, also having a wool car blanket thrown over his back.} Kestler "Man Bud Bundy, now that the IWO doesn't exist anymore it's going to be so boring." Faustino "'Married with Children' hasn't existed for twenty years now and I'm not bored. Though I do get sick of people confusing me with Seth Green." {A random college student walks by.} RCS "Hey, it's the guy who makes Robot Chicken! Did you make that giant animatronic lizard?" Kestler "And Vagrond has sobered up since IWO Ragnarok. BORING!" {Vagrond clutches his head and gets up slightly.} Vagrond "Actually I only swore off all alcoholic space reptillian beverages with less than 14 letters in their names...and only between 6am and 9am. But I'll be damned if I don't have a massive headache anyway. 9 o'clock where are you!!?!" {Vagriond removes some Virimiri Chardonnay from his blanket and pours it into his coffee cup.} RCS "Whoa...animation guy, how did you make that move without stop motion? Are you telekinetic? Because I told my friends that I thought you were but then they said that my thinking that was due to 'the substance' that also made me enjoy Robot Chicken in the first place." Vagrond "This one would be too easy for me. TELEKINESIS MIDGET!!!" {The now middle-aged midget wearing a t-shirt that says "Telekinesis" runs screaming out from Kestler's shop and lunges himself onto the random college student. The student runs off screming as the Telekinesis midget grabs at his hair and kicks his shoulders.} Kestler "Hilarious midget antics? BORING!" Faustino "If you're so completely bored Rob, why don't you try some new activities? I did one fateful day when we were filming on-location in San Francisco and it completely changed my life." Kestler "New activities you say...hmmm..." {Cut to Rob Kestler riding on a ultralight airplane constructed out of hay and twine he took from Cassie's farm.} Kestler "BORING!" {All of the hay falls out of the airplane and Kestler starts plummeting to the ground.} Kestler "BORING!" {Kestler crashes deep into the ocean and is grabbed by half-fish minions of Cthulhu who drag him to an undersea city.} Kestler (bubbling underwater) "BORING!" {The fish men place Kestler on their sacrificial altar, which has two large lights under it, a green one for "OK" and a red one for "REJECT". The red light goes off so they throw Kestler onto the shore of an uncharted desert island.} Kestler (gasping for air) "BORING!" {Kestler collapses but is given CPR by a Ph.D./teacher who happened to be on the island.} Kestler (just waking up) "BORING!" {The person who revived Kestler constructs a crude luxury liner to get off the island, but due to the bungling of the bunkmate of a friend of the person who revived Kestler, the boat leaves with only Kestler on it. Kestler is shown playing shuffleboard on the boat.} Kestler "BORING!" {Kestler is shown swimming on the pool which is on the boat.} Kestler "BORING!" {The boat docks...in Iowa somehow...and Kestler returns to Cassie's farm. Given that constructing his own fun vehicle from materials on the farm didn't work he instead borrows the massive 8-lanes-wide corn thresher and goes for a joyride in downtown Des Moines, sending cars flying off the street, knocking over street lamps and in general bailing the pedestrians (in a generally non-fatal way).} Kestler "BORING!" {Kestler then loses control of the corn thresher and it spins sideways, crashing vertically into the largest building in Iowa, a 2 story youth hostel. Kestler crawls from the smoldering wreckage.} Kestler "BORING!" {Cut to Kestler being tried for terrorism in a US military trial. Kestler has taken the witness stand and is being cross examing while the Judge (aka some General) and the Jury (aka 12 new recruits) watch closely.} Kestler "BORING!" {Cut to Kestler sitting in Guantanamo Bay prison camp...I mean Guantanamo Bay adventure playset, making a wallet with chains on his arms and legs. Kestler is surronded by long-bearded men doing the same thing while guards (aka the Jury from before) circle brandishing missile launchers.} Kestler "BORING!" {Kestler slaps a "Made in China" sticker on the wallet he just made. Kestler's close personal friend and master George W. Bush rushes in and explains to the guards that a mistake has been made, and then gives them all "free gas for life" cards to forget about the incident. Osama Bin Laden, chained up next to Kestler, claims to be "Jeb Bush" and also gets out...AGAIN. Cut to Cassie's farm in Iowa where cows are wandering around randomly and Cassie is petting one. A US military helicopter flies low and tosses Kestler out onto the wheat and then flies away.} Kestler "BORING!" Cassie "How can you still be bored silly? You got to play with all of the farm toys." Kestler "Farm toys might be fun for you Cassie, but you're one of 'the normals'. I was a big exciting wrestle-man with mid-card credibility and name recognition within a 3 and 1/2 foot radius of the ring. I just can't get excited about the same stuff you can." {Cassie looks excited.} Cassie "Oooh! I know Robbie-kins! That guy who got you into the stupid fake wrestling retired and he wasn't bored! And he was a good influence on you too, besides the stupid fake wresting thing I mean." Kestler "Cassia? I suppose I could look him up. I'll need corn though...and lots of it!" Cassie "But you broke the thresher sillykins!" Kestler "Well, I'll go without corn, but it could be dangerous!" {Kestler gets a steely look on his face and ominous music plays as it fades to...} TO BE CONTINUED