The Saga of the Three Kings - Episode 2 by: Garth Thompson Posted on: Saturday, July 28th 2007 2:27 PM Written: Saturday, July 28th 2007 {As this Icelandic saga continues, open to Rob Kestler making his way across the wilderness to Chad Cassia's remote mountain shack. Actually he's just making his way across a southern Minnesota suburb to Cassia's Menards-quality Mexican-built house that looks exactly like every other one in midwestern suburbia. However the area is rather quiet as the sun sets, and a tumbleweed blows in front of Kestler - though not a real southwest one, one of the weedy ones from the northern US that clog up foiers. Kestler is concentrating heavilly on a piece of paper, most likely torn off from one of the magazines in the Psychic Porn & Go. On it is crudely written "Cassia, Chad" followed by his address. Kestler looks up.} Kestler "It's quiet...TOO it's." {Lightning crashes above and suddenly three dark figures jump from the tops of the multicar garages. They jump down and start rapidly running in circles around Kestler.} Kestler "Hey guys, can one of you help me with these directions?" {The figures step into the light revealing that they are handsome actors, or rather, sports mascots of the same handsome actor, complete with the giant bobbly head and foam hands and feet.} Kestler "Wow, it's Heath Ledger! I never thought I'd get to meet you, much less three of you at the same time! Can you sign my directions?" Mascot Leader "FOOL! We aren't that insignificant hearthrob. We're mascots for local Stevens high school, you know, 'The Fighting DeCaprios'." Kestler "Derp." Mascot Leader "Wait, you're not from around here, are you?" Kestler "Moo." Mascot Leader "Fool, then we'll tell you the story of our suffering. Twenty years ago our school had to change its name because some PC jerk considered 'The Fighting Crackers' too racist for some reason. Anyway, they were going to change it to a lame animal of some sort just like every other high school, in our case 'The Leopards'. However the student council's secretary accidentally wrote a 'n' instead of a 'p' and nobody bothered to change it. For many years the school just didn't depict its mascot however after our, *cough*, former clergy principal saw Titanic back in the day he made it officially the late-90's prepubescent hearthrob you see before you now." Kestler "Jay Leno?" Mascot Leader "Yes...wait, no we're dressed as Leonard DeCaprio you buffoon!" Kestler "Mary-Kate Olson!" {The mascot leader just sighs and coninues talking.} Mascot Leader "Since we have no skill at any known sport our only remote chance to score with girls..." Other Mascot "...or guys..." Mascot Leader "...guys in Steve's case...is to join the sports team as mascots and maybe get some runoff action." Kestler "Wait...why does your small suburban high school need 3 mascots?" Mascot Leader "SILENCE!!! And do you know the name of our alumni who wrote the letter wrong and damned us all to this terrible fate dressed as Leonardo DeCaprio?" Kestler "Ashley Olson?" Mascot Leader "His name was...CHAD CASSIA! And he's returned to his hometown to retire. We're on his train and soon he'll pay." Kestler "OOOOH!!!! Well Mr. Threatening Gang Leader, you can help me! He's my old mentor. Man if anything ever happened to me he'd sure be sad. But right now I'm looking for him, can you tell me, does this address say 51629 Steverson Drive, or 65912 Steverson Drive?" {Kestler flips the paper over several times, confused. The Mascots look at each other, their eyes smiling from behind Leonardo DeCaprio's teeth.} Mascot Leader "GET HIM!!!!" {The 3 mascots leap at Kestler, screaming.} Kestler "Fools! I am a famous wrestle psychic! NINJA ART - HIDING JUTSU!" {Kestler covers his eyes with his hands and stands motionless. However the mascots, due to their previously confessed lack of athletic ability, can do little to the massive man, pretty much just leaping at him and bouncing off. Eventually they collapse to the ground from exhaustion. Kestler takes his hands off his eyes.} Kestler "Hah, the jutsu worked. Now you guys better help me, is it 51629 or 65192?" {Kestler holds the scrap of paper in front of the collapsed leader, who examines it.} Mascot Leader (gasping) "Well, given that in English you typically write the numbers with the same side up as you write the rest of the letters, I'd say it's 51629. Also the three underlines there should've been some indicator." Kestler "Thank you kind sir, and now I'll be on my way. But be warned, next time I won't hold back, I'll use my fireball jutsu." {Kestler takes a lighter out of his pocket and waves it at the highschool kids in mascot costumes menacingly. He then continues towards Cassia's house while the gang leader tries to yell to him that typically, in our nubering system, 9 comes after 5.}