The Saga of the Three Kings - Episode 5 by: Garth Thompson Posted on: Monday, July 7th 2008 8:09 AM Written: Wednesday, July 2nd 2008 {Open to Rob Kestler wandering around in circles in the cul-de-sac right outside of Cassia's house. Kestler then reaches into his pants and removes a 15th century navigator's sextant.} Kestler "Good thing Vagrond let me borrow this or I'd be lost for sure! Let's see, if the claw of the badger is at 16 degrees and Zeus' - I mean Krosoy's - beard is at 37 pixels then I must already be back home in Iowa! Hi Cassie!" {Kestler turns around to wave at 'Cassie' who is in fact David Blaine. Behind him stand new age guru Deepak Chopra and a zombie Harry Houdini} Kestler "Washed up celebrities in a Kestler RP? Who would've guessed it!" Blaine "Kestler, we have come for you. And what is this RP thing you speak of?" Chopra "You can tell we're serious because we're unwilling to break the fourth wall." Kestler "I don't know if you guys have been following my exciting Icelandic saga or not, but if you have, this is exactly the sort of time when I yell BORING!!!! and walk away." {Kestler begins to walk away.} Blaine "Ha! Hate to continue your cute little tradition of breaking the third wall, darling, but the saga is exactly why we're here. Power of...HOLDING MY BREATH!" {Blaine produces a water tank from behind a parked car and jumps into it. The tank falls over onto Kestler.} Zombie Houdini "Graaaaaaaaaaaah!" {The Zombie Houdini produces another water tank from behind a tree and, not to be outdone, ties himself up in chains, jumps in and plops that tank down onto the first tank.} Chopra "Power of...creative visualization! I am visualizing a shower of falling rocks falling on Kestler." {Chopra concentrates really hard, bugging out his eyes and lips. He eventually concentrates so hard he falls over. At this point a pigeon lands on top of Zombie Houdini's water tank.} Chopra "Partial success!" {Chopra stops concentrating. Kestler now speaks from underneath 2 water tanks and a pigeon. A car drives by on the road but doesn't slow down at all.} Kestler "Pretty good. But not pretty enough...power of...CALLING NINE ONE ONE!" {Kestler pulls out a cell phone from his pants under 2 water tanks and a pigeon. Before he can dial, Blaine looks shocked and pushes his and Zombie Houdini's water tanks up off Kestler. Blaine gets out of the water but Houdini just continues floating underwater.} Blaine "OK, Kestler honey, you got us. Your power is impressive. You are your daddy's son In fact, that's why we're here." Kestler "Holy exposition!" Blaine "As your father abandoned you as a child you probably believe that various political, financial and religious organizations run the world..." Kestler "Actually Lord Uri Geller didn't abandon me, it's just he was halfway across the world when the immaculate conception happened..." {Kestler pulls a copy of his second edition autobiography, "Ain't got time to pee" out of his pants and begins reading it.} Kestler "My adoptive parents got me when my adoptive dad went into the store I would later own wearing his 'World's Greatest Dad' T-Shirt, leaving the stroller with his birth-child outside so the child wouldn't suffocate inside the store, obviously. Then tragedy struck when a Mexican welfare family stole the child and claimed it as their own, replacing it in the stroller with a large rock. My birth mother, the Virgin Sherry, saw the stroller and, being a white single mother, left me in the stroller and took the rock to raise as her own. My birth parents didn't know what happened until many years later, and thought I was their biological child. This is why I've always considered myself to be Tibetian..." Blaine "Hey! We're doing the exposition in this episode, darling." Kestler "Sorrydoodle." Blaine "Now where was I? Right. The Catholic Church, the United States Government, Frito-Lay Incorporated. In the society you have lived in, you have been led to believe that organizations such as these control the world. But this is a lie. The world is actually entirely controlled by three individuals, one of which is your father, Uri Geller!" Kestler "Gaspdoodle!" Blaine "The other two true masters of the world are Michael Jackson and Donald Trump. These three individuals claim to be celebrities and friends to preserve the charade. The actual truth is that for decades upon decades they have struggled against one another to increase their control. But until just recently it has been almost entirely even, each controlling roughly a third of the earth's land mass and people." Kestler "So, you're telling me...blue...is a color?" Chopra "However last month one of the three kings made an announcement..." {Cut to silhouetted image of somebody with curly hair sitting on a large throne.} High pitched accented voice "I will no longer draw power from the cash of unsuspecting idiots. Just consenting idiots." {Cut back to Kestler, Blaine and Chopra.} Chopra "As celebrities like the ruler need cash from idiots to survive, this would significantly weaken this ruler's power, maybe even kill him." Blaine "There will be a wicked rush to fill the void. Both new individuals will try to take the power the deposed ruler has given up, and the two other rulers will try to expand into his territory. You just ain't seen anything like it before." Kestler "Derp." Chopra "Kestler, the ruler who would no longer take cash from idiots was your father! He needs your help, Kestler, to visualize and actualize another Geller dynasty." Kestler "Derp." Blaine "You have 3 days to make up your mind, love. We'll come for you then at Cassie Farmerer's Farm in Bumblefuck, Iowa." Kestler "Uuuuuuh. OK, thanks for lunch Lambada. I'll see you then." {Kestler wanders off using his sextant to navigate somehow. Chopra looks at Houdini who is still floating motionless inside the water tank.} Chopra "Isn't he going to come out of there?" Blaine "He's a zombie so it's not like he needs to breathe anyway." {Fade.}