Chad's Utopia . Com - DERP: The RP, Part Deux - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

DERP: The RP, Part Deux
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Friday, June 7th 2002 12:20 AM
Written: Friday, November 24th 2000

{Fades into Clark Gable...}

Gable "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn..."

{Pans out to see Clark Gable is on the set of Peter North's epic porn...}

Gable "...if it's Jenna Jameson or Stacy Valentine that gives me head."

{Cuts to Rob Kestler and Cassie in their "home" (IWO dressing closet in an
undisclosed venue...}

Kestler "And that's why abortion is a good idea. We can just abort them
and let God sort them out."

Cassie "Abortion is not silly or fun. Back on the farm we don't have
abortions which is why our family makes up the majority of the state of
Iowa. So I say abortion in naughty."

{Discussion moderator Clive Burton walks onto the scene...}

Clive Burton "Alright, next issue. What do you think of a national
language."

Kestler "Derp."

Burton "No using your own distinct language here mister!"

Cassie "I think that everyone being exactly the same would be silly!"

Burton "Silly."

Kestler "Silly means good."

Burton "Ok. What about you Mister Kestler."

Kestler "I think that a national language would take away from the
distinctiveness and heritage of the peoples who originally settled this
land. Just because we like our own customs and language doesn't mean that
we have the right to force the majority's ideals on the minority."

Burton "Alrighty."

Kestler "Moodoodle."

Burton "What did I say about your own distinct language?"

Kestler :-(

Cassie "I don't think that people's heritages would be lost. The would
still be able to speak their own languages. The government would then just
not have to print out like everything in three languages."

Kestler "The government does everything in either english or latin. They
don't acknowledge any other languages. If you look at what is printed in
multiple languages it's VCR manuals and other commercial goods. Trust me,
we're not increasing the national deficit there, we're just making it so
that corporate, big business america has to acknowledge everyone."

Cassie "I still think that a national language would be sillyriffic!"

Kestler "Why don't we just go for the whole deal then, we institute
Espananto, the universal language. Then everyone learns this new language,
we replace everything we have, and we're all happy!"

Cassie "Ok! :-)"

Kestler "Because America did so well converting to metric."

Cassie "Met-what?"

Clive Burton "Next topic. President."

Cassie "I say that we test their internal silly levels. Whoever is higher
wins....yay!"

Kestler "I'm going with our state governer and saying that all we do is
simply change the constitution, leave Clinton in for four more years, and
we'll have a do over in 2004."

Burton "Isn't it true that Governer Jesse 'The Checkbook' Ventura is a
flaming idiot in politics?"

Kestler "Moo!"

Burton "Next topic, sex."

Cassie "Naughty!!!"

Kestler "What's that?"

Burton "Oh come on! You've gotta be doing it!"

Kestler "Doing it!"

Cassie "You're not a silly person at all! Dare I say that you're
completely un-silly!"

{Cassie throws Clive burton into the ventilation shaft that is dressed up to
look like a window....Cassie chose a cow pattern to make it more like
home...}

Cassie "I don't like people like that coming into our house out of no
where. It's not fun at all."

Kestler "Yep...I wonder what Vagrond is doing...."

{Fades to the Psychic Porn n' Go where Vagrond is passed out on the floor.
Schitzo Tod and AWS Man (also known as Bill) are looking over him...}

AWS Man (also known as Bill) "What the freak is a Vagrond."

Schitzo Tod "Let's just poke at him with a stick!"

{Tod begins to poke at Vagrond with a stick. This get no response at
all...}

AWS Man (also known as Bill) "Freakin' do something! This is getting
freakin' boring! Freak, we've been here for like 5 freakin' hours in a porn
store and we're not even freakin' watching porn....FREAK!"

Schitzo Tod "Let's poke at him with an atomic war head!"

{Tod tries to drag Vagrond but due to Vagrond's huge size it doesn't
work...}

Schitzo Tod "Who would have thought a 600 pound lizard would be so heavy?!"

AWS Man (also known as Bill) "Freak!"

{Vagrond begins to stir...}

Schitzo Tod "Ah! It's moving!"

{AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Schitzo Tod jump back. Vagrond gets to
his feet...}

Vagrond "Every time I wake up this happens."

Schitzo Tod "Ah! It's talks!"

Vagrond "Ah, it's a retard. Where is the gorn liquor provider?"

AWS Man (also known as Bill) "What the freak is a Gorn liquor provider?"

Vagrond "Ignorant tool. He is the Human who provides me with gorn liquor.
His name is Ross Kebler or something."

Schitzo Tod "Ross Kebler? Like the elf?"

Vagrond "I said he was a human you waste of protein."

Schitxo Tod "Moo?"

Vagrond "I swear this planet takes away from the intelligence of the life
forms on here."

AWS Man (also know as Bill) "Let's watch some freakin' porn!"

Vagrond "Fine, I still have some gorn liquor left but if Ross Kebler isn't
back when I'm out then there will be trouble."

{Fades back to Kestler and Cassie...}

Cassie "...and that's why Jay's Mom named him Jay. Because she knew what
it rhymed with and it's fun and silly!"

Kestler "Derp!"

{Fades to the moon. The Supreme Moon Overlord (SMO) is watching over his
legions of moon slaves....}

SMO "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

{Supreme Moon Advisor approaches...}

SMA "Lord, you have a visitor from the planet Earth."

SMO "Allow him entrance."

{In walks the Hitler/Kosoy midget...}

Hitler/Kosoy "Hello my equal in evilness."

SMO "What is it that you want now Kosoy."

Hitler/Kosoy "Remember that time when you bought my soul back from the
devil for me?"

SMO "Yes."

Hitler/Kosoy "That was swell."

SMO "What do you want?"

Hitler/Kosoy "Do you remember that time when I provided you with all of
these moon slaves because I alone know how to best use labor which requires
no maintenence or monetary compensation. The same moon slaves which are now
building you your city of gold here on the moon?"

SMO "What are you getting at?"

Hitler/Kosoy "Remember that time when you created VP Evan and Evan Levine
at the exact same time and gave them to me? And now they run the IWO with
an iron fist while I just sit around and masturbate while watching money
come in?"

SMO "GET TO IT!"

Hitler/Kosoy "Well, now it's time for me to do something for you."

{Hitler/Kosoy gets on one knee and pulls out a ring...}

Hitler Kosoy "Will you marry me and give me a lifetime of happiness and
sex?"

SMO "Remove him."

{Hitler/Kosoy is dragged off crying. Fade back to Kestler and Cassie...}

Cassie "And because you have to be in the dangerous fake wrestling show,
I've gotten you some help to work with you as a trainer!"

{In walks a dog wearing a mask...}

Cassie "This is Raul Jose Marquis Castando Castrica Alonzo Juan Gonzales
Enrique Smith, the luchador labrador! He's the best mexican wrestler
alive!"

{RJMCCAJGES barks approval...}

Kestler "This seems a little odd."

Cassie "No Silly! He's a little dog. And also the bestest wrestling being
in Mexico!"

Kestler "Derp? Where did you find him?"

Cassie "The humane society."

Kestler "How do you know he's the bestest wrestler in Mexico."

Cassie "Because he's wearing the cute little mask! Look at him! He's so
cute!"

{Cassie goes and pets BJMCCAJGES, he barks approval. Fade to Star Burst,
Wes Borland, and DJ Lethal from Leak Bizkwik, formerly known as Fred Durst
and Limp Bizkit. Star Burst makes sure his giant star burst is properly
backwards on the top of his head...}

Star Burst "This is the shit that I be talking about. Appearing in three
straight Rob Kestler promos."

Wes "Dude, they're RPs. This is just e-wrestling..."

{The scene is cut off by VP Evan midget...}

VP Evan Midget "What the fuck?! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! They're breaking
the code! They're making it seem not real! NOT REAL!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

{Fades to the SMO and his giant cities on the Moon...}

SMO "MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

{Fade to black.}