Chad's Utopia . Com - Derp: The RP - The hilarious stories of Rob Kestler as told by Chad Wagner and Garth Thompson

Derp: The RP
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Friday, June 7th 2002 12:20 AM
Written: Thursday, November 23rd 2000

{Scene fades into Rob Kestler and Cassie sitting in Rob Kestler's IWO dressing closet at whatever arena...}

Cassie "I'm sure glad that you decided to come back to your real home and have Thanksgiving with me!"

Kestler "Yep."

Cassie "Sorry I've been gone for so long, but we had a big debat back home in South Eat Bumblefuck Iowa about who should be president."

Kestler "Derp?"

Cassie "Since my family makes up a majority of the state we all had to go one way and it wasn't silly or fun to talk about."

Kestler "Moo?"

Cassie "Because we all know that whoever is in the white house won't really affect our lives at all. They can't take away our right to make the bestest cattle feed this side a missoura."

Kestler "Moodoodle."

Cassie "So, did you play a lot with your friends while I was gone?"

Kestler "I lil' bit."

Cassie "That's good. What did you do."

Kestler "I dunno. Stuff."

Cassie "What kind of stuff? Silly stuff?"

Kestler "Ummmm....I somehow ended up in a match at the paper view for a shiny belt."

Cassie "Rob-bert!"

Kestler "What?"

Cassie "What did I tell you about playing in your dangerous fake wrestling! Those big men might hurt you and break you. And that won't be silly at all!!!!"

Kestler "Meesa sowry."

Cassie "Why do you do this to me, why can't you get a safe job like being a farmer?"

{cuts to farmer Cowtits out in the field with his wheat thresher...}

Farmer Cowtits "Yep, farmering is the bester job der is. Carn't thank of anything morer safe or good natur'd than bein' a farmer."

{Farmer Cowtits accidently stumbles a bit and his arms are ripped off in the wheat thresher...}

Farmer Cowtits "Aw, not a again. Maw, call up da doc, I der dun it again."

{Cuts back to Rob and Cassie...}

Cassie "And that's why I think cold fussion is a no no not-a-silly."

Kestler "Noop."

Cassie "Now, why did you get involved with this whole belt thingy show?"

Kestler "I accidentally beat two other wrestler people and got into the match."

Cassie "Naughty Rob!"

{Cassie hits Rob with a newspaper...}

Kestler :-(

Cassie "I told you that you're supposed to be settled down now and no more play fighting with your friends."

Kestler "Meesa Sowry."

Cassie "Rick Outlaw on 770AM radio Debuque, Iowa on his date hour said that men shouldn't do stuff like that."

Kestler "I didn't know."

Cassie "Now you know."

Kestler "And knowing is half the battle!"

Cassie "What?"

Kestler "It's from a TV story. Jem."

Cassie "TV? What's that?"

Kestler "It's a box with little people in it that portray stories."

Cassie "Oh, like a puppet show?"

Kestler "I don't know. Maybe. AWS Man (also known as Bill) calls cameras a soul stealing box and you use cameras to inform the people in the TV therefore, in a way, TV stories are people's souls."

{Hypothesis Kain runs into the room...}

H.K "That would be a deductive reasoning strategy ending in a HYPOTHESIS!"

{Thunder rolls, lightning strikes, Kilroy eats a midget, Vagrond is competely appathetic to the gimmick theft/tribute from Kilroy, Hypothesis Kain leaves...}

Cassie "Ewwww, that sounds all weird and naughty. Let's abolish television."

Kestler "Hey, you sound like Joe Lieberman."

Cassie "How silly!"

{Fades to Jesus who was not killed recently in a match. He is rocking out to rap rock band Godsmack. In walks Star Burst (see previous RP), Wes Borland, and DJ Lethal...}

Star Burst (wearing a giant red starburst on his head backwards) "Hey, what it is?"

Wes "Please god, kill us all."

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says that Wes needs to stop thinking that he's a rock star. He's playnig second fiddle to a man named Star Burst who hangs out with Method Man."

Jesus "Dude, isn't it like totally true that Method Man is neither a method or a man?"

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says that I'll have to mix some mad rhymes on your holy ass if you defy our lord and savior Star Burst one more time."

Star Burst "Fuck yeah."

Jesus "Huh?"

{In walks Jim Nabors...}

Jim Nabors "Gaaaaaaalie, what's goin's on in heare?"

Star Burst "What da fuck do you want Opie, yo?"

Jim Nabors "Opie...Ah shucks, I'm not Opie, I'm Gomer Pile."

Wes "Yeah, he's right. He played Gomer Pile in 'Gomer Pile: USMC.'"

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says that you do NOT defy the great one, Star Burst, leader of the best rap rock band Leak Bizkwik, since Godsmack."

Jim Nabors "GAAAAAAALIE!"

{In walks Cher...}

Cher "Someone called for a diva?"

{In walks Aretha Franklin, Tina Turner, Whitney Houston, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, Celine Dion, and Britney Spears...}

Aretha Franklin "Divas here...live."

Star Burst "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about all up in here. Star Burst needs some ghetto head and I only get head from fucking rich chicks because I'm fucking famous and black."

{In walks Ike Turner...}

Ike Turner "What are you doing in here Tina?!"

Tina "We're all going to give head to that guy because he's famous and black."

Ike Turner "You ain't doing shit to dat honky!"

{Ike Turner kicks the living shit out of Star Burst (Fred Durst)...}

Ike Turner "Now you're coming home with Daddy and you're going to give me head while I watch old tapes of me CARRYING you through Proud Mary."

{Ike and Tina leave, in walks the London Philharmonic Orchestra...}

Orchestra leader "Someone asked for an orchestra for background to a hastily thrown together rap rock album?"

Wes "He's over there, battered and bruised..."

{Wes points to Star Burst....}

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says that Star Burst will never be beaten! He's just pretending and currently thinking of new hit lyrics."

Mandy Moore "Aren't all of his lyrics about himself and the hood and include the name 'Limp Bizkit' at least once in ever song?"

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says you be quiet and give the pondering Star Burst head."

{In walks Pete Sampras and the Chicago boys choir...}

Pete Sampras "Someone needed back up vocals from a tennis player for a track called 'Leak Bizkwik, We're da Shit?'"

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says that he's on the ground over there thinking of new lyrics and waiting to get head."

Pete Sampras "What is the boys choir for."

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says that he needs to get head too."

{Chicago boys choir begins to give DJ Lethal head. In walks Abraham Lincoln, Owen Hart, and Napoleon...}

Wes Borland "Aren't you all supposed to be dead."

{They remember they're dead and fall over....dead. In walks Chinese diplomat Kung Pow...}

Kung Pow "Someone order Lo Mein?"

DJ Lethal "DJ Lethal says that Leak Bizkwik ordered Chinese from the diplomat because we're so fucking important!"

{In walks a tiger...}

Tiger "growl."

{In walks PT Barnum...}

PT Barnum "Tiger, what do you think you're doing out of your cage?"

Tiger "Had to see the best rap rock band in this room."

PT Barnum "Understandable."

{In walks Rocky and Bullwinkle...}

Rocky "Now this is just crazy."

{Scene fades out on the most enormous walk on cameo appearance in recent history as Jesus, Star Burst, Wes Borland, DJ Lethal, Jim Nabors, Cher, Aretha Franklin, Tina Turner, Whitney Houston, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, Celine Dion, Britney Spears, Ike Turner, London Philharmonic Symphony, Pete Sampras, the Chicago Boys choir, Abraham Lincoln, Owen Hart, Napoleon, Chinese diplomat Kung Pow, a tiger, PT Barnum, and Rocky and Bullwinkle all converse with each other.}