Home Rob Kestler Longer Stories Shorter Stories Chad's Utopia.Comic
Don't Get Out And Vote
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Friday, June 7th 2002 12:21 AM
Written: Tuesday, November 7th 2000

{Scene fades into a local Alabama TV station covering election day as people
were urged to 'Get Out And Vote." Alabama is characterized by it's 12%
voter turn out and incest. Sally Sisterfucker is live for this report...}

SS "It turns out that today is an important day in the life of our nation.
No, it's not groundhogs day, today is election day."

{Pauses for a second...}

SS "Election day? What do we do on that day you might ask yourself."

{Fades to a midget Michael Dudley having sex with midget Caren...}

MM "Eleman-whatsion day?"

MC "ELEMAN-WHATSION DAY! YEAH!"

MM "Quiet sister, drink some more grain alcohol and continue to have sex
with me while I figure this out."

{Fades out as Dudley thinks of what that day could possibly be and continues
to have sex with his sister who is getting intoxicated worse than George W.
Bush before a long car trip...}

SS "Apparently we CHOOSE the next president of the United States along with
other unimportant positions like senators and US Representatives today. I'm
not sure how this works so I visited my local polling station. This is what
I found out. You apparently fill in a "ballot" and put it into this
machine. You can also write in a vote for who you would like to see as
President. And even though this is supposed to be a secret "ballot" we
video taped all ballots and if things hold up in the nation as to what we
have here then Inbred Jed will win by a landslide capturing 500 popular
votes. Because as well all know, Gore, Bush, and Nader really weren't all
that popular back in high school where as Inbred Jed got all the chicks
because he had the most sisters. If everything goes well, we can expect
Inbred Jed to be the next President of the United States!"

{Fades out to CNN National News...}

Reporter "Due to the popularity of the 'Get Out And Vote' campaign the
ignorant and the stupid have been voting in droves. If the trend of stupid
people using their birthright to vote continues, we'll vote in a list of
presidents who make promises of candy and sex for all and gets voted in and
then keeps his or her promises and therefore the national economy drops
drastically and we get invaded by Guam. Thankfully, the 'Get out and vote'
campaign hasn't gotten to ever youth and there are still some in this
country who are keeping up the American ideals, for example, we captured
this conversation between two college students earlier today when we brought
up voting."

{Fades to Texas where two college guys are talking...}

Ignorant College Texan "You know.....when am i gonna learn not to argue
with Wood? He is so hell bent on going to vote and i keep telling him that
his vote isnt going to count anyway."

Less Ignorant Texan "Dude a vote for Nader isn't about this election it's
about getting Nadder 5% of the vote so he can get matching funds for 2004
and launch an actual threat. You should vote man."

ICT "Screw that! Like was telling Wood, I dont give a crap who is in the
white house! They cant take away my basic right! And i dont care about any
issues. So what the hell do i care? I'm just gonna walk around, take up
space...a lot of space..."

LIT "Dude, you're a bitch then."

ICT "Why? They wont follow through with whatever empty promise they dish
out anyway."

LIT "The Green Party would if they could get their foot in the door so the
least you could do is vote Nader."

ICT "Sorry i was rasied democrat....I will die democrat!"

LIT "Because when you're trying to get 5% of the vote one vote could make a
difference."

ICT "Yeah....but two won't! So mine won't! Get it?!?!"

LIT "But you just said they wouldn't follow through with promises..... that
includes democrats."

ICT "Yeah but i would much have a party who gets hummers in the white house
than some up tight snotty republican...like Wood."

LIT "Dude Bush isn't snotty and how can you say Al Gore is less up tight
than Bush have you watched Gore?"

ICT "I'm talking in general not nessesarily this year....even then I would
like to have a president who knew about foriegn places....Bush isn't the
smartest in that category...besides, he's riding his dads coatails anyway."

LIT "Bush sr., has not campaigned once for him how can you say that?"

ICT "Hes riding in on the name alone."

LIT "WHO NAMED HIS ASS?"

ICT "If he was named Bob Smith he wouldnt be in the election now would he?
No, but because he has the name George Bush here he comes

LIT "And had Al Gore's dad not been a senator where would he be? Flipping
burgers?"

ICT "Nevermind! I'm tired and i dont feel like talking about this. Final
statement...I don't care so I'm not voting."

{The Ignorant College Texan then leaves the room to masturbate to pictures
of naked boys as we fade back to the studio...}

Reporter "It's good to know that we still have true, real Americans in our
great nation. And now for some bonus coverage...Rob Kestler on who wants to
be a Millionaire..."

{Fades to Rob and Regis...}

Regis "Rob, how did you manage to get .15 seconds on the fastest finger
round? I know that you're psychic but I didn't think that was real."

Kestler "I didn't use my powers. I simple spelled the word D-CAB and won
because I'm smart."

{Cassie is jumping up and down in the audience...}

Cassie "YAY SILLYKINS!"

Regis "Alright Rob. This is for $200....Garfield the Cat was a....A. Dog,
B. Cat, C. Donkey, or D. Chesse."

Kestler "D. Cheese."

Regis "Is that your final answer."

Kestler "Yeppers peppers."

Regis "Sorry Rob but the answer was B. Cat."

Kestler :-(

Regis "And moving to our next contestants."

{Fades out to Kestler not doing well on Millionaire.}