Heartbeat.Derp?Heartbeat.Derp? by: Garth Thompson Posted on: Monday, June 17th 2002 3:29 PM Written: Monday, November 19th 2001 Despite the lack of Ben Archer in the IWO he's still Rob Kestler's superfriend, so deal with it! (Scene opens to heroic text and voice over.) Booming Voice - Yes it's time once again for your favorite super-hero league! The Heroes Organized to Maintain Order in Society, HOMOS! (Image of Rob Kestler Standing on a mountaintop, wearing a bright orange jumpsuit with HOMOS written on front, sighting the horizon.) Voice - Master of the psychic arts, ROB KESTLER! (Image of the photo of Ben Archer that Kestler carries around, except an orange construction paper jumpsuit with HOMOS written on it is taped on.) Voice - Super-friend BEN ARCHER! (Image of David Faustino Sitting at a desk wearing glasses and a suit.) Voice - Commissioner DAVID FAUSTINO! Remember kids, while Faustino is their commissioner, he is not an official member of HOMOS, I repeat, David Faustino is not a HOMOS. (Scene opens to king Hussein of Jordan (no relation) sitting on his throne with David Faustino and Rob Kestler and super-friend photo in front of him) Hussein (no relation) - Greetings HOMOS. Even though I don't accept your choice of lifestyle, I have need of superheroes and you seem to be the only ones that really exist, now that I found out that Captain America was a comic book. Kestler - Well I'm sorry if you don't accept the wrestling life-style, but we've learned to live with people who think that way. Hussein (no relation) - Uh, OK. Anyway the Shiite muslim terrorists who once menaced Europe are now threatening to attack my country, because I want to help America and uphold democracy. Faustino - If you really wanted to uphold democracy shouldn't you step down and give your people free elections? Hussein (no relation) - Hey are you a king, huh? I didn't think so. Anyway, because their name sounded too much like an English curse-word the Shiite muslims have changed their name to People Organized to Obtain Palestine, the POOP. Kestler - Gasp! Are they gonna try to hit a building with a plane? Hussein (no relation) - No, actually most terrorists are actually pretty cowardly. And since their funds were frozen they really don't have the budget to use airplanes. My agents believe that they are going to train a monkey to hijack a taxi and crash it into a local Burger King. Kestler - Then what are we waiting for? Up up and away! (Grasping his super-friend Kestler jumps up in the air. Of course since he can't fly he just lands on the ground again. He tries again and again.) Faustino - This could take hours. (Scene change to a building with a large sign on it that reads "Just another STUPID AMERICAN BUILDING THAT SHOULD BE BLOWN UP and absolutely not the secret headquarters of THE GLORIOUS POOP". Kestler appears to be flying in and then a further camera angle reveals that he is being air-lifted in by a helicopter. The helicopter lands and Faustino gets out and unties Kestler.) Hussein (over radio, and NO RELATION) - This is the building... Kestler - Are you sure, cause it says right on it that it isn't. Hussein (over radio, and NO RELATION) - Now you two get in there and stop them! Faustino - Actually just Kestler and his "super friend" will be going inside, I'm not actually a HOMOS. Hussein (over radio, and NO RELATION) - But I thought you tried to marry Michael Dudley? Faustino - Yes. Just cause I want to have sex with men doesn't mean I'm a HOMOS. Hussein (over radio, and NO RELATION) - You Americans are just way too confusing. Your money spends good though. (Kestler sneaks inside the building where the evil members of the POOP are plotting away with their long beards and head-towels, the leader Abdul al-Jemiah Mohammed al-Islam Omar Mohammed and his henchman Bill) Abdul al-Jemiah Mohammed al-Islam Omar Mohammed - Alright, how about we add the word "To" back in into the acronym. (He writes POTOP on a sheet of paper.) Bill - Pot o Pee? Abdul al-Jemiah Mohammed al-Islam Omar Mohammed (crumples up paper) - Just forget it! (Suddenly the wall explodes open and Kestler walks through.) Kestler - Stop evildoers! Feel the wrath of HOMOS! Abdul etc. - Fool! Our religeon condemns people like you! Kestler - Your religeon condemns super-heroes, man I new that Catholics were against Harry Potter, but that's just silly! Abdul etc. - Fool, FOOL! Prepare to meet the wrath of my monkey-ninja! (As Abdul etc. points forward a monkey ninja, specifically a spider monkey in the full black garb, jumps out and attacks Kestler. Mostly its attack just consists of ineffectual punching at Kestler's feet.) Kestler - Oh no, I'm powerless! Super-friend Ben Archer help me! (Kestler lifts up the photo of Ben Archer and drops it on the monkey which goes splat.) Kestler - Nice body slam! (Kestler picks up the photo and wypes off the monkey guts as lights flood the room. Suddenly a glowing super-human being with light green skin, giant eyes and no nose appears.) Being - Greetins mortals. I am the being formerly known as Michael Jackson. Everbody - Ooooo! Jackson - I have finally completed my metamorphosis and now am "Invincible" as I have transcended my mortal form. I am here to settle the question of which is the more powerful force in the universe, good or...bad! Hee hee hee! Kestler - Giggle! Jackson - That was a harmonic, not actual laughter. Kestler - :-( Jackson - Each of you will be granted access to three good or evil people from history. Abdul al-Jemiah Mohammed al-Islam Omar Mohammed, you may now choose your force of evil. Abdul etc. - Hey, I'm not evil. Bill - I am. (Jackson looks down at them patronizingly.) Abdul etc. - Fine, I guess I should have figured it out when I started growing those little horns. I choose...the man who put the "Commie" in "Communist", Jospeh Stalin! (Soviet march chants are heard, and a giant snowdrift comes in and drops Stalin who growls menacingly.) Abdul etc. - Next, the man who discovered "if you cut open twins then they die", Josef Mengele! (Just so that every Rob Kestler interview can have Nazis in it, a giant syringe appears and drips out Mengele in full medical garb.) Abdul etc. - Finally, the ultimate Hebrew-lasher, Pontius Pilate! (Two giant Roman pillars crash through the ceiling and amid confetti and cheers Pilate emerges.) Pilate - Hey, I'm not evil! Abdul etc. - Yeah, we've all been there buddy. Jackson - Now, Kestler, choose your force of good. Kestler - Uhhh, Ok, ummm, since he chose the enemies of freedom, free will and, uh, free trade I will chose the defenders of democracy! I choose...Rosa Parks! (She appears, in her late 70's of course, with a walker.) Kestler - Franklin Delano Roosevelt! (He appears, complete with wheelchair and blankets.) Kestler - Captain America! Jackson - That's just a comic book character, child. The closest I can provide you with is Derby Coolidge who wore a Captain America suit to a comic book convention. Kestler - Well, as long as he has the suit. (Derby Coolidge appears. Everbody except Jacko grabs their noses as he is a very smelly, six-foot-six, six-hundred pound man with a goiter.) Abdul etc. - This should be easy! Kill those pathetic losers! Coolidge - Burp. Kestler - Derp! (History's baddies run at the goodies. Mengele runs at Coolidge and jabs him with a syringe. This suddenly sucks in his gut, changes his outfit into a Nazi uniform and him into a Nazi superman.) Kestler - Derp? Roosevelt - Speak softly and carry a BIG STICK! (Roosevelt pulls a massive tree out from underneath his wheelchair and whacks Pilate with it sending the Roman flying through the sky. David Faustino walks in.) Faustino - Hey, wasn't it Teddy Roosevelt who said that? And I think it was a sexual euphamism! Roosevelt - Don't interrupt me when I'm kicking ass, boy! (Roosevelt brings his stick bearing down atop Mengele and the Nazi Coolidge, making them even less distinguishable than the monkey ninja. Stalin circles Parks.) Parks - Get to the back of the buss, sucka! (Parks picks up her walker and jabs it at Stalin.) Stalin - Oof, I should've eaten more vegetables and less people. (Stalin collapses dead from a heart attack. Suddenly Michael Jackson lowers to the floor, blinks, and Parks, Roosevelt, plus Coolidge, Mengele and Stalin's remains disappear.) Jackson - The answer is clear. Good will always prevail over evil, but simply because it has a bigger stick. Farewell my children, I am now passing to a higher plane of existance. Kestler - Bye, bye Superman. Say hello to my dad when you get there. (Jackson disappears in a flash of light. Police sirens are heard and Jordanian police officers rush up to arrest Abdul etc. and his henchman Bill. King Hussein (no relation FOOL!) comes out of a police car.) Hussein (no relation FOOL!) - Well done, HOMOS. Kestler - Thank you. I only wish my bestest buddy Vagrond was here to see it. I really miss him, wherever he is. If I could find him I'd make him part of HOMOS. Hussein (no relation FOOL!) - But I thought that he was an extraterrestrial lizard with no interest in sex with humans? (Scene change to New Zealand. Pontius Pilate flies through the air and lands on the ground.) Pilate - Man, that Franlin Roosevelt can throw helluva far. (Suddenly the ground begins to rumble.) Pilate - What the... (A hill in the background bursts open and a volcano of literally millions of Tom Greens pour out. They descend on the land, eating everything, especially grass, rocks, dirt and tree. Pilate tries to run away, but five Tom Greens jump at him like tigers.) Pilate - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! (Fade to black as Pilate is eaten with the words TO BE CONTINUED?!?!?!?:-)?!?!?!??)