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Kestler. Vagrond. Porn 'n Go. Midgets. Classic
by: Chad Wagner
Posted on: Monday, June 10th 2002 7:36 PM
Written: Sunday, January 7th 2001

{The scene opens to Kestler in the porn shop where Rob is stocking his "War
in Heaven" action figures with the new "Adam and Eve" and "Adam and Steve"
action figure sets along with the "Garden of Eden" play set. Vagrond is
passed out on the table in front of a black board. A midget dressed as Ruff
Ryder is cleaning the blackboard...}

Kid who played Webster who is now the official IWO cameraman for Rob Kestler
"Whatcha talkin' about Kestler?"

Kestler "Are you still trying to get attention by stealing the old line
from Gary Coleman?"

Webster "...yes..."

Kestler "Alright. Oh, I'm on TV again. I like this."

Midget Ryder "You know who else has been on TV lately? ME!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kestler "That's right. Poor TV..."

Midget Ryder "What's that supposed to mean?"

Webster "Yeah, whatcha talkin' about Kestler?"

Kestler "Shut up Webster."

{Kestler finishes putting away the action figures before standing up and
addressing the Ruff Ryder midget...}

Kestler "So, I'm stupid huh?"

Midget Ryder "Yes, you and John Wade are both STUPID! Stupid JOBBERS!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Kestler "Yes, your impressive vocabulary has been taken into account."

Midget Ryder "And you're so stupid! You and your STUPID T.V. show! It's
such a rip off."

Kestler "Yes, a completely innovative idea that only one or two elite
people have ever used. What was I thinking?"

Midget Ryder "You weren't thinking stupid!"

Kestler "But I wasn't ripping off Titan. I've been displaying my psychic
abilities on cable access TV and late night infomercials since the day I was
born. If anything I'm ripping off the God forsaken Dione Warwick. And you
would know that history if you READ MY BOOK!"

{Kestler then pulls out his book and gives it to the midget. The midget
begins to cry...}

Midget Ryder "I can't read damn it!"

{The Midget runs out the door, jumps into his 1981 Impala and speeds away
crying while having sex with both of the seat belts in the front seat of the
car. Kestler, obviously not noticing that he's run away, continues to talk
about Ryder...}

Kestler "And for the record Ruff Ryder, my "Perfect Plan" was a movie short
and not a TV show. And no one has ever had a plan like that so next time
think before you talk. And for those wrestlers with personal leer jets and
armies of BMWs and limos, what in the hell are you doing in the ring if you
have all of that damn money? Only an idiot would be risking their body in
the ring if they're that well off."

{Kestler then walks over to the black board and grabs a piece of chalk...}

Kestler "And now on a happy note, I'm gonna explain the secret of Gorn
liquor."

{Kestler then writes some cryptic equation on the board. It takes up the
entire black board and looks to be pure insanity. Kestler then collects
himself and begins his presentation...}

Kestler "First you add the base ingredient. Alcohol simmered to the point
of concentrating to 400 proof alcohol. You then add nail polish remover and
plaster. You mix the solution together until it turns a pasty brown color
and begins to smell like Mexico. Next you add yellow dye number five and
paint thinner. Continue mixing and remove from heat. Now add the color
lavender, a newt, and LSD. Continue mixing until it begins to burn through
the container. Poor it into a special Gorn liquor container and serve to
the local Gorn."

{Kestler then gives a premade bottle of Gorn liquor to Vagrond who chugs it
down approvingly. A midget comes out the of the back and tried to take the
other bottle of Gorn liquor off of the table. Vagrond jumps up, grabs the
midget, tears it's arms off, beats him across the face repeatedly, and then
pours a small amount of Gorn liquor on him, melting him instantly. Just as
this scene plays out, the Honorable Reverend Jerry Falwell walks into the
store. He walks past the violent mess on the floor and over to the "War in
Heaven" action figures. He picks up the "Adam and Steve" action figures and
stomps over to Kestler...}

Jerry Falwell "What in the hell is this boy?"

Kestler "The best selling 'Adam and Steve' 'War in Heaven' action figure."

Jerry Falwell "NO! I'll tell you what this is! This is CRAP! This
promotes the EVIL gay life style. That reminds me, where is this 'Judd'
character. I need to have a word with him."

{Falwell pats a Colt 45 revolver strapped to his hip...}

Kestler "What are you talking about old man?"

Jerry Falwell "And what's with all of this evil pornographic material?!
Are you trying to strike out against God with all of this blatant evil
nudity?"

Kestler "No. But I sure do like those 'War in Heaven' action figures.
Moses even has Testament Slam action!!"

Jerry Falwell "This whole place is filled with principalities of darkness!
I'm now gonna bond that darkness with the love of Jesus!"

{Jerry Falwell then empties a milk carton full of holy water on Kestler and
Vagrond. Vagrond, hating water or anything hygienic, eats Jerry Falwell in
a fit of anger as the screen fades to black.}